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The important thing about this situation is that your daughter is an adult, and needs to manage this situation on her own, with campus housing and campus disability services to accommodate her own anxiety and sensory issues. You, as her mother, are not going to be able to address this for her. The university has to walk a fine line between providing appropriate housing for both students and not treating the bipolar roommate like a pariah due to her mental health.
I strongly disagree. The mother (parent) is paying for all this and needs to supervise this and be involved so the housing situation is resolved for her daughter's benefit. They don't always employ the best and brightest staffers for these jobs, and you wouldn't want someone bullying her 18 year old daughter into telling her she has to cope with this roommate because the staffer is too lazy to make simple changes. The roommate's mental health issues are for her, her parents, mental health professionals and the University to deal with. It is not the job of a fellow student. There is a major difference between offering assistance in course subjects with a fellow student and being an unpaid forced full-time horribly unqualified mental health worker, who has her own academic responsibilities to deal with.
The disability office was understanding about our solo-room request and yet kept saying "you should feel sorry for the roommate and her family". Yes, I do, but that does not stop me from being concerned about my daughter first as she has her own challenges that we are working through. Prior to college starting the roommate was a stranger. I have great sympathies and offered the family help if needed, but it is not my responsibility.
She needs to be with a different roommate, in a single room, or another option for housing perhaps not on campus. I would not allow her to be put back in with that same roommate. If feeling sorry for others would cure the world, I would be all in on such thinking, but why does your daughter have to be made to suffer because of another student's behavior is simply not valid. You should talk with an attorney because low-paid staffers at colleges don't do anything unless forced to do it I am sad to say. Please pay close attention, contacting and consulting with an attorney doesn't mean you are going to sue and make all this public. You consult with attorney and he/she contacts the management at the University on your behave and that alone can have a positive result for your daughter. A phone call and/or letter from an attorney won't go unnoticed to get you action. I would do this and stop having conversations with the staff there about it.
So if you can't change them and you can't change the room assignment, I wonder if some of these things are issues for the RA to work on? Has your daughter gone to the RA to ask for roommate mediation about the issues you describe? (roommate constantly stream of consciousness talking so that she cannot study or focus in her own room, coming up behind her and staring at her computer, or any other things?) I would suggest doing so and getting these things documented so that there is a paper trail that you did try to "work things out" so that if you do need to get pushy and insist DD get her own room, you can demonstrate, see, we did x y and z.
The roommate has mental health issues. A stern talking to by an RA who is usually a student themselves isn't going to have the desired outcome. This can't be treated as if the roommate insists on playing the radio loud while the daughter is studying, this is a serious problem.
As an adult with general anxiety disorder, I would go crazy with a roommate like that. They both need school counseling, frequently and monitoring, or your daughter needs her own room. That would be the best scenario.
No one would consider having a fellow student care for a roommate with a serious physical illness. How is a serious mental illness any different? No college freshman should be burdened with such a responsibility.
Some of the stuff you describe sounds like it may be due not to the bipolar piece but perhaps the homeschooling piece or maybe just being raised by oddball parents. This isn't to say that all homeschoolers are poorly socialized. Many homeschooling families do a lovely job of teaching their kids social skills and making sure they interact with LOTS of other kids on the regular.
But hearing things like constantly talks to herself, stands behind another person and stares over their shoulder on the computer, sends their daughter to college at 17 and when she has a SERIOUS mental health breakdown where she can't communicate at all for several days, sends her back within a week rather than being like OMG we need to make sure you are OKAY before we consider sending you back because your health is the priority... these things all lead me to suspect the family of this girl might be a bit... off.
So if you can't change them and you can't change the room assignment, I wonder if some of these things are issues for the RA to work on? Has your daughter gone to the RA to ask for roommate mediation about the issues you describe? (roommate constantly stream of consciousness talking so that she cannot study or focus in her own room, coming up behind her and staring at her computer, or any other things?) I would suggest doing so and getting these things documented so that there is a paper trail that you did try to "work things out" so that if you do need to get pushy and insist DD get her own room, you can demonstrate, see, we did x y and z.
I was going to say similar, my son had a roommate from hell 20 years ago who gave him no personal space. My son eventually was forced to come back home and commute while paying for housing just to get away from him. The college wouldn't do anything, even though it was documented.
There was a third roommate but he had some sort of medical issue where he needed his own room. He was able to close the door on Ben while my son could barely get near his own bed because Ben had brought some large gorilla stuffed animal that was taking up half the room.
Even if documenting does not help, at least the daughter tried to make everything known to someone. She should also say how stressed she is about the girl coming back and how she wonders how much her own grades will suffer, if she's going to have to consider dropping out over this.
I do love the idea of Rummage on getting an attorney involved to write a letter.
OP, I really feel for you. I like having my own personal space, it would drive me nuts if someone was always over my shoulder. To think she thinks she can dictate what time they all go to bed? Unrealistic when you're paying for half of that dorm room. Make that known too. The girl is too immature for college if she has to go to bed when her mommy says so.
The roommate has mental health issues. A stern talking to by an RA who is usually a student themselves isn't going to have the desired outcome. This can't be treated as if the roommate insists on playing the radio loud while the daughter is studying, this is a serious problem.
I agree there is an issue. However the OP has stated the campus does not have any available housing so getting daughter into a single room may be an uphill battle. I think it is in daughter's favor that she has two medical conditions (autism and an anxiety disorder) but I think that if she doesn't even try to work things out with the roommate, the college may have grounds to say, well talking to your roommate and trying to work out your issues needs to be the obvious first step before we can even consider doing something drastic like assigning you your own private room. Which honestly, is reasonable.
Right now the daughter is extremely stressed by the roommate's behaviors but is so far just sharing her stress with her mom and maybe with her therapist. If the university has, say three single rooms come available at the end of the semester and thirty students with reasons that they need a single room, the daughter's case is going to be a LOT more compelling if she has made every attempt to mediate this. Not by her mom just saying "her roommate has a mental health issue and so we need a single room" because likely there will be lots of students with similar roommate conflicts. But by there being a paper trail of the daughter and OP having tried again and again to mediate and work out the situation and it being unworkable and negatively affecting the daughter's stress level due to her medical condition.
So yes, going to the RA so they can talk to the roommate while daughter spells out the specific behaviors that are an issue would be helpful.
-constant talking to herself and making noise so that I cannot study in our room
-insists on lights out at 9 pm every night so I cannot get homework done in our room
-stares over my shoulder whenever I am on the computer, making me feel very uncomfortable
If that isn't resolved, going again. Make a paper trail, and make sure that either daughter or OP emails a list of what was discussed to someone in charge of housing the day after each meeting. Maybe her therapist could write a letter to the housing office.
Last edited by kitkatbar; 09-30-2022 at 10:46 AM..
My DD was recently diagnosed with mild but high-functioning autism which is why I am involved more than a parent usually would be as the great changes with going to college added to her anxiety. She has sought help from the campus disability office as well as the campus health center doctor and counseling center and they are all aware of her issues. We had already received information how she could apply for a solo room sophomore year when the incident with her roommate came up. Campus is over-sold so getting a solo room for the spring would not be possible (unless her roommate withdraws).
Her roommate's mother has been very up front with what is going on with the roommate (daily voice text updates she sends to a number of people) which is why I am informed. Otherwise of course the university cannot discuss the roommate's situation with anyone.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coloradomom22;
Currently my daughter goes to counseling weekly at the college counseling center but there isn't a support group available. However, she has joined a club for other students with high-functioning autism that has been great. She finally feels like she's met others just like herself. They meet at least once a week for discussions and socials.
The disability office was understanding about our solo-room request and yet kept saying "you should feel sorry for the roommate and her family". Yes, I do, but that does not stop me from being concerned about my daughter first as she has her own challenges that we are working through. Prior to college starting the roommate was a stranger. I have great sympathies and offered the family help if needed, but it is not my responsibility.
OK, so your daughter has been diagnosed, is going to the school counseling center regularly, and is on file with the disability office. The next step would be to have the disability office work with the housing office to find someone your daughter could switch rooms with. Putting two students together with those particular disabilities is not a compatible combination. It's simply is not workable, not a judgment on either student. This is what the disability office and the housing office need to understand.
It's not a competition about who has the worse condition, whom we should feel sorry for the most. The disability office doesn't seem to be staffed by people who understand these types of disabilities. They're probably just regular staffers, not people with a psychology background or anything like that. I wonder if speaking to the office manager would help; hopefully that person has relevant qualifications to the field of disabilities. You need to talk to someone who will get the ball rolling.
Perhaps a student who is away in the evenings studying in the library could be found. In any case, a student without any disabilities will have more resilience and wherewithal to adjust to a quirky roommate situation, than a student with anxiety and a level of autism. The housing office could meet with a number of RA's, perhaps, to find someone to switch with your daughter. And in the meantime, the new roomie would have the room to herself, while the absent roomie works out her symptoms.
Good luck, OP. It helps to have an understanding about how these university bureaucracies work. I've worked in student advising and also managed a small dorm. You need to get the disability office to get on the stick and work with the housing office to bring about a solution.
She needs to be with a different roommate, in a single room, or another option for housing perhaps not on campus. I would not allow her to be put back in with that same roommate. If feeling sorry for others would cure the world, I would be all in on such thinking, but why does your daughter have to be made to suffer because of another student's behavior is simply not valid. You should talk with an attorney because low-paid staffers at colleges don't do anything unless forced to do it I am sad to say. Please pay close attention, contacting and consulting with an attorney doesn't mean you are going to sue and make all this public. You consult with attorney and he/she contacts the management at the University on your behave and that alone can have a positive result for your daughter. A phone call and/or letter from an attorney won't go unnoticed to get you action. I would do this and stop having conversations with the staff there about it.
Be careful what you wish for:
instead of lights out at 9pm according to her roommate’s request ( which I find that it shouldn’t be your daughter’s problem -and she shouldn’t be obligated to comply - there are ear plugs and sleeping masks available for those on their preferred regimen; or the girl may request a more compatible roommate than OP’s daughter ) the OP’s daughter may end up with the party girl or some other undesirable behavior - especially if the OP will follow up with the attorney and other drastic demands instead of requests for cooperation - it could spectacularly backfire - a little “present” from low-paying staff.
The best course of action is to try to look for an alternate housing - with the authorities but let it be for now and see if there could be any issues.
I would definitely be firm on an unacceptable demand to turn off lights at 9pm. That is the roommate’s problem.
She shouldn’t demand accommodations from other people.
Talking to RA about roommate’s talkativeness and spying over the shoulder is perhaps a good recommendation - but I would try to ask the daughter to talk to the roommate first - she may not realize that she is doing that.
Last edited by L00k4ward; 09-30-2022 at 12:41 PM..
Be careful what you wish for:
instead of lights out at 9pm according to her roommate’s request ( which I find that it shouldn’t be your daughter’s problem -and she shouldn’t be obligated to comply - there are ear plugs and sleeping masks available for those on their preferred regimen; or the girl may request a more compatible roommate than OP’s daughter ) the OP’s daughter may end up with the party girl - especially if the OP will follow up with the attorney and other drastic demands instead of requests for cooperation
Good point. The goal should go beyond simply getting the Op's daughter out of the current situation, but also getting her into a situation that doesn't aggravate her symptoms even more. An office that works with disabilities should understand that. It's about finding compatible roommates for both girls. The disability office could explain that to the housing office. A team approach is needed to find a livable solution.
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