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My DD is a college freshman living in Honors college dorm housing. Her roommate is a nice girl but talks all the time (random stream of consciousness)and since my DD has anxiety and sensory issues it was stressing her out not to have a peaceful place to retreat.
DD said that her roommate seemed stressed and was talking more. Then last week she was discovered on campus very confused and upset. Long story short is she was hospitalized and diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She had a total break from reality and could not do simple commands or understand much of anything for several days. She remained hospitalized and medication was administered to try to bring her episode under control. Yesterday she was sent home and her mom said she seemed so much better.
This roommate's parents are nice people but I think are somewhat naive as to the pressure their daughter has been under. She was homeschooled her whole life, never went to any outside school or options program, etc. Roommate is a high achiever (perfect SAT, full academic scholarship) and came to college at 17. Her bipolar diagnosis of course has nothing really to do with this but I am concerned that her parents are ready to send her back to school and into the dorms when she should have time to adjust to her diagnosis which all just happened in the past week. They want their daughter to finish the semester. I am afraid her parents see my DD as a "best friend" who could watch after her. Meanwhile my DD is dealing with her own issues and cannot have this pressure to look after her roommate.
I have no idea what protocols colleges have regarding students coming back to the dorms after a situation like this. Because of HIPAA laws no one can or will tell me anything. But I feel this affects my daughter too and it's not fair that she receives literally no information if her roommate is coming back and what that will involve.
They should communicate with the school health center and her counselor. After a situation like the one you describe, there should be a safety plan agreed upon, and such a plan would NOT include leaning heavily on someone who is not trained for these kinds of needs. The safety plan could include directions for what your daughter could do if she notices something off, needs a break, etc.
It would be a good idea I think, for your daughter to discuss her anxiety and sensory issues with a counselor in the health center, in the context of the possibility of an unstable student returning to your daughter's dorm room. If she's on record as having her own needs for a quiet location, that should be accommodated. Has your daughter been diagnosed by anyone (family doctor?) as having anxiety and sensory issues?
If HIPAA prevents you from getting any information, how did you get the significant info you already have? I ask, simply to ascertain whether that information would be something your daughter would be able to disclose to a counselor. I think the best strategy is to handle the situation preventively, to the extent possible. The campus housing office needs to know that the two girls should not be dormed together. Would you be able to pay for a single room for your daughter, if there is such an option in the Honors dorm?
The important thing about this situation is that your daughter is an adult, and needs to manage this situation on her own, with campus housing and campus disability services to accommodate her own anxiety and sensory issues. You, as her mother, are not going to be able to address this for her. The university has to walk a fine line between providing appropriate housing for both students and not treating the bipolar roommate like a pariah due to her mental health.
The important thing about this situation is that your daughter is an adult, and needs to manage this situation on her own, with campus housing and campus disability services to accommodate her own anxiety and sensory issues. You, as her mother, are not going to be able to address this for her. The university has to walk a fine line between providing appropriate housing for both students and not treating the bipolar roommate like a pariah due to her mental health.
My DD was recently diagnosed with mild but high-functioning autism which is why I am involved more than a parent usually would be as the great changes with going to college added to her anxiety. She has sought help from the campus disability office as well as the campus health center doctor and counseling center and they are all aware of her issues. We had already received information how she could apply for a solo room sophomore year when the incident with her roommate came up. Campus is over-sold so getting a solo room for the spring would not be possible (unless her roommate withdraws).
Her roommate's mother has been very up front with what is going on with the roommate (daily voice text updates she sends to a number of people) which is why I am informed. Otherwise of course the university cannot discuss the roommate's situation with anyone.
The truth is I've already been concerned with my DD's own issues. While I have great compassion for her roommate my daughter still comes first which is why I am concerned about the roommate coming back without any real information on what is going on.My DD has overcome a lot and is on a good track both mentally and academically. Initially she didn't want her autism diagnosis known (she covers it well) because she didn't want the stigma.
Last edited by Coloradomom22; 09-29-2022 at 12:51 PM..
My DD is a college freshman living in Honors college dorm housing. Her roommate is a nice girl but talks all the time (random stream of consciousness)and since my DD has anxiety and sensory issues it was stressing her out not to have a peaceful place to retreat.
DD said that her roommate seemed stressed and was talking more. Then last week she was discovered on campus very confused and upset. Long story short is she was hospitalized and diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She had a total break from reality and could not do simple commands or understand much of anything for several days. She remained hospitalized and medication was administered to try to bring her episode under control. Yesterday she was sent home and her mom said she seemed so much better.
This roommate's parents are nice people but I think are somewhat naive as to the pressure their daughter has been under. She was homeschooled her whole life, never went to any outside school or options program, etc. Roommate is a high achiever (perfect SAT, full academic scholarship) and came to college at 17. Her bipolar diagnosis of course has nothing really to do with this but I am concerned that her parents are ready to send her back to school and into the dorms when she should have time to adjust to her diagnosis which all just happened in the past week. They want their daughter to finish the semester. I am afraid her parents see my DD as a "best friend" who could watch after her. Meanwhile my DD is dealing with her own issues and cannot have this pressure to look after her roommate.
I have no idea what protocols colleges have regarding students coming back to the dorms after a situation like this. Because of HIPAA laws no one can or will tell me anything. But I feel this affects my daughter too and it's not fair that she receives literally no information if her roommate is coming back and what that will involve.
Anyone have any information? Thanks.
This is tough. You are not in the same position as you were when your daughter was in HS. Most colleges and universities; they will not divulge anything to parents.
Most colleges and universities have an office of disability services. Are your daughter's anxiety and sensory issues diagnosed? Did your daughter see a therapist before going to college? If she has a therapist, have her write a letter to the office of disability services requesting that your daughter have a single room. Or, a change of roommate.
Have your daughter register as a "Disabled Student". Anxiety and sensory disorders will qualify. To increase her chances, have her complain to the Dean of Residential Life, first. This may go under a different name, but this is the person responsible for housing. You can probably go with your daughter to this meeting. Also, tell the person in charge of housing what the parents said, and how they view your daughter.
You are right, your daughter is in college to learn, not to be her roommate's therapist. This is just wrong.
If students have serious psychiatric issues, parents should consider keeping their children home and letting them commute - especially for the first two years. This is NOT your daughter's problem.
Also, most universities have on-campus counseling services. These vary quite a bit in quality, and they are free of charge. Perhaps seeing a counselor on campus may be of help.
BUT FIRST - she needs to get out of that room. Do not worry about offending the roommate or parents. Worry about your daughter.
ETA - My daughter was assigned a roommate in Freshman year who had been hospitalized many times for cutting herself. One day, my daughter came home from class and found blood all over her roommate's bed. Naturally, this was disturbing to her. My daughter did not have a documented history of anxiety, however, we were able to change her room assignment.
College can be really isolating for anyone who feels different and anxiety can be immobilizing.
Your daughter needs her own support system and would benefit from a support group with similar problems. It's possible that the counseling center has something available. Support groups can really help when you can get support from others who understand what you are feeling.
And not to stigmatize the roommate or make the daughter fearful. These days anyone seems to be going off the deep end. Living with a relative stranger is always a risk.
The roommate will have a difficult few years getting to know her illness. But if she follows her doctor's advice they will work to get and keep her stabilized. Chances are good, unfortunately for her, that she will need to leave school and deal with one thing at a time.
I'll bet you told her everything you thought she needed to know. Give her some space to use it.
Try not to worry too much, Mom. It's scary sending our kids out there.
College can be really isolating for anyone who feels different and anxiety can be immobilizing.
Your daughter needs her own support system and would benefit from a support group with similar problems. It's possible that the counseling center has something available. Support groups can really help when you can get support from others who understand what you are feeling.
And not to stigmatize the roommate or make the daughter fearful. These days anyone seems to be going off the deep end. Living with a relative stranger is always a risk.
The roommate will have a difficult few years getting to know her illness. But if she follows her doctor's advice they will work to get and keep her stabilized. Chances are good, unfortunately for her, that she will need to leave school and deal with one thing at a time.
I'll bet you told her everything you thought she needed to know. Give her some space to use it.
Try not to worry too much, Mom. It's scary sending our kids out there.
My daughter frankly is relieved that her roommate isn't there. She feels guilty about that due to the circumstances but the truth is her nonstop talking greatly stressed her out. The roommate would also hover behind her and watch what she did on her computer. DD never felt like she could have a break. Now her anxiety has eased as she has time to destress on her own.
Currently my daughter goes to counseling weekly at the college counseling center but there isn't a support group available. However, she has joined a club for other students with high-functioning autism that has been great. She finally feels like she's met others just like herself. They meet at least once a week for discussions and socials.
The disability office was understanding about our solo-room request and yet kept saying "you should feel sorry for the roommate and her family". Yes, I do, but that does not stop me from being concerned about my daughter first as she has her own challenges that we are working through. Prior to college starting the roommate was a stranger. I have great sympathies and offered the family help if needed, but it is not my responsibility.
Last edited by Coloradomom22; 09-29-2022 at 06:10 PM..
Some of the stuff you describe sounds like it may be due not to the bipolar piece but perhaps the homeschooling piece or maybe just being raised by oddball parents. This isn't to say that all homeschoolers are poorly socialized. Many homeschooling families do a lovely job of teaching their kids social skills and making sure they interact with LOTS of other kids on the regular.
But hearing things like constantly talks to herself, stands behind another person and stares over their shoulder on the computer, sends their daughter to college at 17 and when she has a SERIOUS mental health breakdown where she can't communicate at all for several days, sends her back within a week rather than being like OMG we need to make sure you are OKAY before we consider sending you back because your health is the priority... these things all lead me to suspect the family of this girl might be a bit... off.
So if you can't change them and you can't change the room assignment, I wonder if some of these things are issues for the RA to work on? Has your daughter gone to the RA to ask for roommate mediation about the issues you describe? (roommate constantly stream of consciousness talking so that she cannot study or focus in her own room, coming up behind her and staring at her computer, or any other things?) I would suggest doing so and getting these things documented so that there is a paper trail that you did try to "work things out" so that if you do need to get pushy and insist DD get her own room, you can demonstrate, see, we did x y and z.
Some of the stuff you describe sounds like it may be due not to the bipolar piece but perhaps the homeschooling piece or maybe just being raised by oddball parents. This isn't to say that all homeschoolers are poorly socialized. Many homeschooling families do a lovely job of teaching their kids social skills and making sure they interact with LOTS of other kids on the regular.
But hearing things like constantly talks to herself, stands behind another person and stares over their shoulder on the computer, sends their daughter to college at 17 and when she has a SERIOUS mental health breakdown where she can't communicate at all for several days, sends her back within a week rather than being like OMG we need to make sure you are OKAY before we consider sending you back because your health is the priority... these things all lead me to suspect the family of this girl might be a bit... off.
So if you can't change them and you can't change the room assignment, I wonder if some of these things are issues for the RA to work on? Has your daughter gone to the RA to ask for roommate mediation about the issues you describe? (roommate constantly stream of consciousness talking so that she cannot study or focus in her own room, coming up behind her and staring at her computer, or any other things?) I would suggest doing so and getting these things documented so that there is a paper trail that you did try to "work things out" so that if you do need to get pushy and insist DD get her own room, you can demonstrate, see, we did x y and z.
Honestly, I had some of the same thoughts. The roommate's bipolar disorder is a separate thing but her parents don't think college had anything to do with it while I think it didn't help. Roommate had difficulties managing her time and eventually was missing assignments. She also had a very rigid 9 pm bedtime (insisted on lights out) which also was a huge stress to my daughter who likes to do her homework later and unwind by messaging friends online.
The parents did not exactly say they were planning on sending their daughter back to school but it's something I am sensing in the way the mom sounded when she said "dd seems like her old self again!" I hope they take it slow and realize their daughter needs time to heal and adjust to her new "normal" with medication. If anything they should push for their daughter to continue with her classes online (college would make accommodations) so she can remain home under their supervision and care.
My daughter with her anxiety is extremely non-confrontational which is a problem so I don't know how willing she'd be to get outside help from her RA. At this point we are just waiting to see what happens with the roommate.
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