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I agree there is an issue. However the OP has stated the campus does not have any available housing so getting daughter into a single room may be an uphill battle. I think it is in daughter's favor that she has two medical conditions (autism and an anxiety disorder) but I think that if she doesn't even try to work things out with the roommate, the college may have grounds to say, well talking to your roommate and trying to work out your issues needs to be the obvious first step before we can even consider doing something drastic like assigning you your own private room. Which honestly, is reasonable.
Right now the daughter is extremely stressed by the roommate's behaviors but is so far just sharing her stress with her mom and maybe with her therapist. If the university has, say three single rooms come available at the end of the semester and thirty students with reasons that they need a single room, the daughter's case is going to be a LOT more compelling if she has made every attempt to mediate this. Not by her mom just saying "her roommate has a mental health issue and so we need a single room" because likely there will be lots of students with similar roommate conflicts. But by there being a paper trail of the daughter and OP having tried again and again to mediate and work out the situation and it being unworkable and negatively affecting the daughter's stress level due to her medical condition.
So yes, going to the RA so they can talk to the roommate while daughter spells out the specific behaviors that are an issue would be helpful.
-constant talking to herself and making noise so that I cannot study in our room
-insists on lights out at 9 pm every night so I cannot get homework done in our room
-stares over my shoulder whenever I am on the computer, making me feel very uncomfortable
If that isn't resolved, going again. Make a paper trail, and make sure that either daughter or OP emails a list of what was discussed to someone in charge of housing the day after each meeting. Maybe her therapist could write a letter to the housing office.
The college's claims of housing occupancy issues is their problem to deal with, and can't be used as an excuse for the OP's daughter to be subjected to this. Going to the RA is a serious waste of time. I think you are confusing collecting paper trails with actual action. As with employers, you can collect all the data you want on the situation that doesn't mean it is going to be rectified to your satisfaction or at all. People have this fantasy that they will show their documentation trail to a magic genie who will fully appreciate the logic of the problem and fix it. The main job of staffers in academia is to make people go away and not have to deal with any problems. The only real course of action is to consultant with an attorney as I have mentioned.
The main job of staffers in academia is to make people go away and not have to deal with any problems. The only real course of action is to consultant with an attorney as I have mentioned.
That's really unfair and untrue in the vast majority of cases. Most university staff, especially in high traffic departments like housing, actually do want to help students and find solutions. But they also have to deal with university and local regulations, and keep the needs of all parties involved in mind. These offices don't want to deal with helicopter parents who think that their offspring is the most important person in the world and should never be inconvenienced.
Coming to a resolution here might very well involve compromise. Throwing a lawyer at a situation where the OP's daughter might not yet have sat down her roommate and said, "it's not reasonable to have lights out at 9pm every night, but how about we do XYZ" The paper trail is going to help develop a solution. This is valuable life experience for these students--in the workplace you have to document everything and try to solve your own problems before you go running to the boss or HR.
Last edited by fleetiebelle; 09-30-2022 at 01:18 PM..
Good point. The goal should go beyond simply getting the Op's daughter out of the current situation, but also getting her into a situation that doesn't aggravate her symptoms even more. An office that works with disabilities should understand that. It's about finding compatible roommates for both girls. The disability office could explain that to the housing office. A team approach is needed to find a livable solution.
I agree, but many college campuses are very short on housing this year due to rental costs drastically rising nationwide. There is a strong likelihood that single rooms may not be available. If OP's daughter and her roommate need to be switched around with new roommates, they will probably be looking at a pool of people who are being switched for the same reasons they are--they were not able to get along with their previous roommates, which means OP's daughter could very well get a roommate who is just as challenging to live with or worse. The disability office is going to prioritize helping both girls because that's their job.
I would see if there are any friends from her new group that she might want to room with for next year. For this year, I would first prioritize trying to work things out with the roommate. Have daughter talk to her about the talking to herself and the staring over her shoulder. Get her some sound canceling earbuds that she can put in so she doesn't hear roommate. Gently explain that she needs to do her homework and so turning the lights out at 9 pm is too early. Suggest that she order a sleep mask. Turn out the overhead lights, but have daughter use a desk lamp for studying, which isn't as bright. Also, daughter can go to the campus library and study and do homework some evenings there too, and that will mean they're not constantly in each other's hair.
If these measures don't work, talk to the RA. Get it on paper with disability and housing offices all the steps that have been tried to mediate their differences. Request room change if she wants to roll the dice with a new roommate. Rinse. Repeat.
Get some input from your daughter's therapist, and if the therapist agrees she needs a single room, make an appt with the Director/Dean of Residential Life (or the admin with a similar title) and tell him/her the school needs to provide appropriate accommodations for your daughter. Don't waste any more time with pencil pushers in the housing office or the RA. I would also make it clear to the roommate's parents that your daughter is unable to take any responsibility for their daughter.
Get some input from your daughter's therapist, and if the therapist agrees she needs a single room, make an appt with the Director/Dean of Residential Life (or the admin with a similar title) and tell him/her the school needs to provide appropriate accommodations for your daughter. Don't waste any more time with pencil pushers in the housing office or the RA. I would also make it clear to the roommate's parents that your daughter is unable to take any responsibility for their daughter.
Best idea yet, IMO. At this point, I would think the roommate has missed too much of the semester. She could withdraw, and try again next semester. I can't see her being able to make up for the lost work, class lectures, etc., without having another meltdown. The parents seem to be pushing her to make a go of it, so they can feel better about having an almost-normal, reasonably functional child, but that's not working out for the daughter. Even if she were to return to her dorm room and try to resume her studies, my sense is, that she wouldn't last long.
It's too bad universities are always short on dorm space. Enrollments have increased to the point that colleges can't keep up with demand.
No one would consider having a fellow student care for a roommate with a serious physical illness. How is a serious mental illness any different? No college freshman should be burdened with such a responsibility.
1. It is inherited disorder which runs in families.
2. Medication does not work on a regular basis. Your daughter's roommate might be okay for a month and a month later have a full breakdown.
3. Many bipolar people have hallucinations. My SIL said someone vomited in her office. Security didn't see any vomit. My SIL was pissed of that they didn't see it because it was obviously her!
4. Some bipolar people become violent. Years ago there was a story out of Westchester (I think Katonah, NY) were a bipolar aunt was babysitting and took out a knife and repeatedly stabbed her nieces. She came out the trance to call 911 in time so lucky the girls didn't die.
My children' doctor told me never to leave my kids alone with my SIL for a second! Your daughter can't be alone with her roommate either.
5. I would not mentioned my daughter's anxiety, don't make her the issue! I would say that the roommate is mentally ill and unstable. She doesn't belong in a dorm. End of story. Any normal parent would want their child away from a bipolar student who been talking to herself. Yo don't need to document it or explain your child's anxiety.
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5. I would not mentioned my daughter's anxiety, don't make her the issue! I would say that the roommate is mentally ill and unstable. She doesn't belong in a dorm. End of story. Any normal parent would want their child away from a bipolar student who been talking to herself. Yo don't need to document it or explain your child's anxiety.
Food for thought. I have the feeling the roommate's mother wants her daughter to be able to have a semblance of a normal life for her age, and possibly until now hasn't understood fully her daughter's condition. And still may not accept how serious it is. I get the impression she really wants to "mainstream" her daughter by sending her to college, and it's not working.
As an update, this past week once we learned about the roommate's issues we got all the paperwork in order for my daughter to apply for a solo room should the roommate withdraw. It's on file with the Office of disabilities. Tonight the RA's in my daughter's dorm came to her and said that the roommate's parents are coming tomorrow morning to clean out her stuff. So I assume she is medically withdrawing. Offices are closed for the weekend but on Monday we will confirm what is going on and that my daughter can have her own room.
I have a feeling that perhaps the roommate seemed better but now the parents are realizing the gravity of the situation and that finishing the semester just isn't possible. Managing a new bipolar diagnosis is complicated. My daughter disagrees with the parents when they said the roommate was happy and doing well until she had her episode because she had been stressed for weeks and was missing assignments.
As it is I feel great sympathies for the roommate and her parents but I am relieved that my daughter will not have to deal with this situation any longer.
Unfortunately I think you're going to have to arrange for housing off campus (maybe a rental that is shared). I do not think it is good to subject your daughter to a stranger with bi polar. I had one of those in my life and it was soul sucking (it's really very dangerous).
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