Going out without your s/o - how much is too much? (girlfriends, marriage)

[Mac_Muz]

Well if your plan is to save this guy from himself yer gonna need to light a fire with 2 sticks. Anyother way to light a fire is too lazy. The guy is allowing his age to take him him over.

I am 58 and play like I was 14. I don't even look 58, and last week at Laconia Bike Week entering a bar I got carded. I practicly got down and kissed the bouncers shoes!

BTW, I can and do start fires with 2 sticks in 120 seconds every time. What that means is this will be work and I do fear you will become something of a nag getting this guy jump started into having a life again, but if you want a man, and not a dead head you will have to find a way to get him motivated. We only get one shot at life and it shouldn't be wasted.

When I was 16 I dreamed to ride the USA on a big bike. That dream went by the boards so to speak for a long time. Pretty much it was forgotten. In Oct 04 i got very ill, and in the dilerium I told my 2nd Bride. I had no idea I told her, but when I got smarter than a head of lettuce she repeated this news to me and asked why I never mentioned it. She said let's do it, err, no it's your dream you do it. I said no let's do it together, and so we did.

On that, it is a lot more work to ride the USA both ways, and then some than it is to dream about it in a fat laid back easy chair. That means you have some hard work cut out for you and your dream.

[*VaNiLlaGoRrilLa*]

Originally Posted by Mac_Muz

if you want a man, and not a dead head you will have to find a way to get him motivated. We only get one shot at life and it shouldn't be wasted.

Tell me about it!

I am not one of those "let's go rock climbing!" type of people, in fact I hate to exercise, but I do enjoy going out in the evenings, socialising, enjoying a drink and meeting people. The last few things I have asked him to go to he has told me he won't know anyone or it wasn't his "scene". There is getting him motivated and then there is feeling like I am going through life dragging him kicking and screaming. I don't want him to do things just because I want him to, I want him to WANT to do these things with me... if that makes any sense??

THAT'S the hardest part. He is never excited about anything. I often feel like a lot of the things we have done together over the years, he has done just to keep me happy/shut me up, and I don't want that.

[TKramar]

But he probably has. (just tried to make you happy)

If I wasn't seeing ANYONE at all right now, I'd think that you had been talking about ME. I sound like the guy you're talking about. I don't like to leave the house. I don't like socializing with other people. I'm pretty much a loner, a hermit, by choice. I only want one person as a friend, and that's my SO.

But I'm single right now, so I know you don't mean me.

[professorsenator]

Originally Posted by *VaNiLlaGoRrilLa*

I don't want him to do things just because I want him to, I want him to WANT to do these things with me... if that makes any sense??

It makes perfect sense. And it reveals a fundamental difference between the two of you: you like to socialize and he's a homebody. You (reasonably) want your boyfriend to socialize with you, but the problem is that he's not into it. You're incompatible on this issue.

And, as it turns out, it's a pretty important issue. You need to face it -- he's not gonna change. You just need to ask yourself if sacrificing a social life is worth being with him 'cause that, at the end of the day, is what's gonna happen. Indeed, it's already happening.

[*VaNiLlaGoRrilLa*]

Originally Posted by TKramar

But he probably has. (just tried to make you happy)

As thoughtful as it is, it doesn't make me feel good. I hate going on holidays and have him reject every idea I come up with, only to tell me he'd prefer to stay in the hotel for the day.

We have been on one overseas holiday to a tropical island and he didn't want to go diving because he was ashamed of his body because he hasn't lost the weight he's been promising to lose for 6 years.

I know I sound like a horrible witch, but I'm just being honest. I have a man who loves me but on the other side of the coin I am watching my life slip through my fingers.

Originally Posted by professorsenator

you like to socialize and he's a homebody. You (reasonably) want your boyfriend to socialize with you, but the problem is that he's not into it. You're incompatible on this issue.

You just need to ask yourself if sacrificing a social life is worth being with him 'cause that, at the end of the day, is what's gonna happen. Indeed, it's already happening.

But he used to be the life of the party, and indeed he still is around old friends. I think he has reached a stage where he is happy with his life, doesn't feel like he needs any "new friends" and is happier to just stay at home.

I have been asking myself that forever. At the end of the day he is always there, will I miss that if I swap it for more of a social life, or won't I?

[smel]

Originally Posted by *VaNiLlaGoRrilLa*

As thoughtful as it is, it doesn't make me feel good. I hate going on holidays and have him reject every idea I come up with, only to tell me he'd prefer to stay in the hotel for the day.

We have been on one overseas holiday to a tropical island and he didn't want to go diving because he was ashamed of his body because he hasn't lost the weight he's been promising to lose for 6 years.

I know I sound like a horrible witch, but I'm just being honest. I have a man who loves me but on the other side of the coin I am watching my life slip through my fingers.



But he used to be the life of the party, and indeed he still is around old friends. I think he has reached a stage where he is happy with his life, doesn't feel like he needs any "new friends" and is happier to just stay at home.

I have been asking myself that forever. At the end of the day he is always there, will I miss that if I swap it for more of a social life, or won't I?

You really do keep saying the same thing. Only you can decide what YOU want. None of us are in your shoes, and you have to make this decision alone. Good luck.

[*VaNiLlaGoRrilLa*]

Originally Posted by smel

You really do keep saying the same thing. Only you can decide what YOU want. None of us are in your shoes, and you have to make this decision alone. Good luck.

Thank You.

I don't want to come off as b**chy here and I'm really not trying to be so please don't take it too wrong, but I also keep saying that if you are sick of my threads or don't have anything constructive to add other than to remind me I am repeating myself, please avoid them altogether. It's not helping me and is totally unnecessary.

[robee70]

Originally Posted by *VaNiLlaGoRrilLa*

As thoughtful as it is, it doesn't make me feel good. I hate going on holidays and have him reject every idea I come up with, only to tell me he'd prefer to stay in the hotel for the day.

We have been on one overseas holiday to a tropical island and he didn't want to go diving because he was ashamed of his body because he hasn't lost the weight he's been promising to lose for 6 years.

I know I sound like a horrible witch, but I'm just being honest. I have a man who loves me but on the other side of the coin I am watching my life slip through my fingers.



But he used to be the life of the party, and indeed he still is around old friends. I think he has reached a stage where he is happy with his life, doesn't feel like he needs any "new friends" and is happier to just stay at home.

I have been asking myself that forever. At the end of the day he is always there, will I miss that if I swap it for more of a social life, or won't I?

VG, here's what I think and I say this not really knowing the whole story.

You met a wonderful 36 man when you were very young (21, I think). He showered you with love and affection and from what I understand from some of your other posts gave you a sense of security having been in an abusive home.

Here you are 9 years later and you are suddenly starting to have your opinions of what you want, but that apparently doesn't sit well with him. He may not be abusive, but he is passive-aggressive and makes you feel guilty for finally wanting to experience life at 30. He may be threated by this because he may feel that his "hold" on you is slipping. He may feel he can't compete with what you may find out in the real world, with your peers. You in turn feel indebted to him because he loves you and relative to the way your dad treated your mom, he's pure gold. Maybe even your family and friends reinforce this and say to you, "What a great man". See the vicious cycle? Where are YOU in all of this?

I know this is easier said than done, but you need to remember that your wants are no less important than his. Your happiness is not dependent on him making you happy, but of being happy first with yourself.

Think about it.

[Mac_Muz]

Well, I ain't got much use of playin Mr Social my self, and don't bother much with parties, spending time drinking with others, which once i did plenty of, but after years of that it get dull and boring.

I find so long as things are well more or less in order, that type of friends seem fine, but when things get rough they are gone and you can't count on them for more than being plain gone.

Pretty superficial. I have no idea if your guy see's things that way. He might.

Never the less I don't stop doing things I want to do. I live in pain every single day and have since May 10 1979, when I was in a motorcycle crash, that broke my neck. I broke a lot more than that then and lost my spleen. Again working my lower back was crushed in 1987, which caused more loss of living, and for a long while I was unable to go winter camping. I like winter camping at -40 below, and hiking in the White Mountains in NH. A little ice climbing too.

A lot of that was limited to either me alone or with my brother who was a modern outdoors man, till a tick bite killed him in 1998.

After the 1987 incident, where AIG cheated me out of back surgery, where I would have recieved a cage and 2 screws in my spine, I discovered another way to camp, a sort of car camping, which untill that time I dispized. But this new way to me involved history.

It was by accident I came on a primitive camp, and a rush of excitement flew thru my mind and body, just seeing this camp and the people in it. I was just our in a cage riding around to see Fall foliage.

I stopped the cage and parked it and walked right into camp and asked what it was, and what it was about.

Next day I was back dressed as close as possible to what type of clothings I saw, and with my smoke pole, which wasn't right, but was as close as i could get. The dates for these folks was 1700 to 1840, and since then I became a woodsman with skills from now dating back to 5,000 years ago.

That accident created a burning fire in my sole, and still it is a fire. A drive.

And while I hurt every day, I go do what I can, and on better days I do more. All of it hurts but ya only get one chance at life.

Bein' me I really don't know what modern folks find to do. I don't see much that is worth the doing in a modern way. people work, drink in groups to socialize and watch tv, or waste all their time on a computer. I waste a ton of time on the cmputer too, but in the doing I research things i don't know about and then I go do them.

I wasn't born knowing how how to make fire with 2 sticks, I didn't know how to make stone tools, I didn't know how to forge blades and fit grips, or how to sew my wife a dress, a shirt, mocs leggins, coats, belts, moc boots, knife sheaths and or axe cases, but I know now and make them on a whim. I didn't know how to load and shoot a black powder gun one day in 1970, but then the day came alone because no one I knew did, that I sat down to read and then sat down to build a junk CVA kit so the cost would be low.

Now if I want I can be a stock maker, and barrel maker and a lock maker.

Lock, stock and barrel. BOOM

This might not be this guy's cup of tea, but there must be something he wants to do. I expect he will swear there is nothing, if asked, but deep inside somewhere there is a little boy in all men and they want to play at something.

If that is gone then this guys is a living breathing dead man and zombie in the shell of a body. That would be sad.

You can either find it, live as you are with the living dead, or move on ....

Another tale: One day a guy I know came to me and handed me a 1/2 dozen pre 1964 American Coins, all quaters and half dollars, and said make me pieces of Trade Silver. I said Huh? What's that?

He showed me a book, and I flipped thru the pages, for my first time seeing a wearable type of money. I dug deeper and bought more books, and then I made what I saw. In time going to events, known as a trade Silver maker and I guess a good one,, it became hard to meet primitive camp set up time, which is 1/2 hour, to dump your gear on the ground and get the cage the hell out of camp and well out of sight.

A line would form of buyers before I could open the dammned door and step on solid earth. I did stop that work when silver peaked at $21.00 per Troy Ounce. If silver goes down and or if pay goes up I would start that again in a heart beat.

There has to be something that floats this guys stick...

[Mac_Muz]

My, that was long