The 7 year itch.... (dating, marry, woman, hubby)

[JustJulia]

Originally Posted by krys33

I'm not sure why... But I have been comparing him to my exboyfriend (from 4 years ago). My husband is a much better person than my ex but my ex was more helpful, showed he cared and was always there for me and for some reason I don't have that with my husband. I just feel like I need more. I have tried in a nice way to tell him I need more help around the house and that I need to know I can rely on him but he just gets upset when I talk to him about this stuff.

Okay, it sounds like you are settling into the reality of marriage, where both of you have to work on communication and compromise.

1. Stop comparing your husband to other men, and stop this wistful thinking of your ex. You said your husband is a better man, so cut it out. All that will accomplish is to put distance between you and foster resentment. You cannot be inside your marriage, long to be outside, and hope to be happy.

2. You and your husband are a team. You need to work together, not against one another. I think a lot of spouses become adversarial, trying to best one another in arguments, prove who's right or better, or force the other to their will. Think about how you speak to him, how he reacts, and how that makes you react. Also think about what you are asking him to do and whether it's fair or reasonable. (I am not judging one way or another--I don't know you.)

3. Very few people like housework, and many people will come up with all sorts of excuses and dodges to get out of it. It's a major source of argument, though, probably way up there with finances.

4. If the way you are doing thing (i.e., communicating) isn't working, try something else. Are you nagging? Do you demand that he do something right away, or at a time when he is tired or stressed out? Is it critical that he do something exactly your way? Have you tried talking when you are both relaxed and happy, maybe divvying up the chores and setting reasonable goals and timelines? Some people (women and men) just chafe at being told what to do, especially RIGHT NOW, but they respond fine to being asked nicely to do something later. (Again, just suggestions, no accusations.)

[himain]

I've heard its about 2 years now..

[Mooseketeer]

I never had it and have been together with Hubby ( unmarried for 21 years, married for 6 months now). The only Itch I get is to up sticks and move somewhere else. With Hubby, not without !


I fell in Love with the Love of my life and have never, not once EVER felt like I needed someone new in my life. Have I wanted to throw sharp objects at him ? Heck yes ! Have I ever wanted to scream at him until I was hoarse ? Yep ? Have I ever wanted to throw him down a deep shaft ? Oh yes . But sleep with someone else ? NO.

When I feel that itch it will be a very bad sign indeed. And I would not scratch that itch until I got rid of Hubby first.


I know how it would kill me if he ever cheated on me so I would never do that to another human being , never mind one I loved and respected at one time. That to me is utterly incomprehensible.

[gwynedd1]

Originally Posted by Gudra

. I have tried in a nice way to tell him I need more help around the house and that I need to know I can rely on him but he just gets upset when I talk to him about this stuff.

Ah, the typical traditional (not all men are like that, obviously) mothers and fathers not teaching their sons to do some housework situation.Selfish and arrogant, etc. Causes tons of problems esp when the kids come along and the priority is sometimes with the latter.The house doesn't clean itself.

Hi Gudra,

Have you ever lived with many men? Most of them don't care about the house work at the same level because its innate. Men did not spend time in the same dwelling place and tiding up on the trail is maladaptive. On the other hand keeping hygiene in the main domicile is adaptive. I do not see dirt like my wife does. I also do single jobs at once rather than keeping 10 at bay. As I said, stupid , stupid idiotic Americans who thing that little sardine in their head is running everything. They are usually fixing something if they do it.

[Coolhand68]

Originally Posted by AsymptoticFaery

I am sure some will think this is uber idealistic or silly, but I truly believe that if there's actually an itch after a certain period of time to leave the relationship or explore, then either that person isn't your best match and you've settled or you just aren't the monogamous type and need to figure out what kind of situation is best for you.

I agre with this partially. I don't think there is any prescribed time in which everyone gets an itch. I do believe everyone still finds other people attractive, and many find themselves fending off temptation, more than would readily admit. I don't think struggling with temptation means you love your S.O. any less. But it could be a sign that you've married the wrong person or you just aren't carved out for marriage or commitment. Not a bad thing.

[Gudra]

I hate doing housework, too (YOUNGEST child:P) but if you dirty something, then you have to clean up somewhat. I look at life as a team effort- be it at work, playing football or whatever. Innateness shouldn't matter , I used to be a bit impatient but I learnt not to be so. You don't want women giving the excuse that they are naturally one way or other so can't do this or that. I mean I 'm lousy with directions(get lost often)but I can't always offer that as a reason for being late

[Gudra]

Have I ever wanted to throw him down a deep shaft ? Oh yes .

Hey, plenty of coal mines up there in UK; ma chere (sorry English keyboard). Allez!

[gwynedd1]

Originally Posted by Gudra

I hate doing housework, too (YOUNGEST child:P) but if you dirty something, then you have to clean up somewhat. I look at life as a team effort- be it at work, playing football or whatever. Innateness shouldn't matter , I used to be a bit impatient but I learnt. You don't want women giving the excuse that they are naturally one way or the other . Doesn't hold water

Hi Gudra,

Too bad, it does. If it didn't, then men would not find women attractive and they would not be around to do anything. House work does not have to be done. It can be put off. It cannot get to squalor, but I have seen enough to see that many women do not understand the law of diminishing marginal returns. Most of those spotless homes are a competition between women. Have at it I say...

I don't make my wife go on the roof, do heavy lifting, clean the gutters, work on the car, build shelves, do the plumbing, digging, carrying, sledge hammering, electrical or any other of that BS. I do cook from scratch, can and preserve and sometimes clean, but I just don't have the same drive to see an unkempt house. She has no drive to do what I do. That is why we are happy.

This can go both ways. I have seen men more sensitive, however what happens is one person's threshold is reached before the other. The one with the more sensitive threshold usually is the one to wants it "clean". If it bothers you, then clean it.

[SifuPhil]

Originally Posted by gwynedd1

...I have seen men more sensitive, however what happens is one person's threshold is reached before the other. The one with the more sensitive threshold usually is the one to wants it "clean". If it bothers you, then clean it.

Very true. I'm a bit of a neat-freak and get minor twitches when I see a friend's house dirty and they seemingly don't care. It takes a bit of self-control not to start on the floors and windows. But that's their Way, so I usually just bite my thumb and smile.

[krys33]

Thanks JustJulia,
This has really help me put things in perspective. Tonight we will sit down and have a nice calm conversation about who should do what. Thank you so much for your wise words. Wish me luck!