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Imagine you're a woman who normally dates guys 5'10" and above, but now you're dating someone 5'7". Or maybe you're an average looking guy who's been chasing after thin girls his whole life, but now you're dating a woman who's slightly overweight. Maybe you're a single mom who normally went after bad boys, but now you're dating the average looking nice guy who's more reliable and trustworthy. And maybe that guy normally pursued women who didn't have kids. What do all of these people have in common? They're all seen as people who settled.
What I find interesting is this fear that people have about being seen as someone who settled. You'd think that after high school, people wouldn't be so hung up on what others think. But I guess being image-conscious never really goes away.
What's also interesting is that people whose priorities have simply changed are still seen as having settled. Take the example of the single mom. Maybe before she had a kid, she only dated the good-looking bad boys who treated her like dirt. So she learned the hard way that someone who's more honest and trustworthy would be better for her, even if he's not as good-looking. Or how about the guy who married the really hot girl he met in college? She was so hot that he didn't care that she was selfish, immature, and dumb as toast. But after being married to her for 10 years and perhaps being cheated on, he realizes that looks aren't everything and that qualities he undervalued before like honesty, intelligence, and maturity matter more to him now. So he marries a plain looking woman with an average body who has those qualities. Both of these people, particularly the single mom, would be seen as people who settled. But rather than calling it that, why not simply accept that people's standards change?
I think that's a big reason why dating is so hard for some people. Countless women will complain that there are no good men left. A lot of men will say the same thing about women. But it begs the question. What do you consider good enough? You're never going to find your ideal person and have to be willing to make trade-offs. But it seems like in today's culture, that's seen as a bad thing. You deserve the best. Don't accept anything less than perfect. No wonder so many people can't find what they're looking for or they're never happy with what they have already. And if you decide that some qualities aren't that important to you anymore, watch out. Someone will say you're settling.
Last edited by DennyCrane; 12-08-2010 at 09:35 AM..
"Settle" is only a bad word when it comes to relationships because it is an excuse to hold onto unrealistic expectations. If you settle an argument, or settle a lawsuit, it usually means that the parties have come to a reasonable conclusion about a course of action.
Settling means you have come to terms with exactly what is important to you and what isn't, so you can clearly pursue what is right for you. It is not an admission of defeat, nor does it mean you are accepting a person who is "beneath" you.
"Settle" is only a bad word when it comes to relationships because it is an excuse to hold onto unrealistic expectations. If you settle an argument, or settle a lawsuit, it usually means that the parties have come to a reasonable conclusion about a course of action.
Settling means you have come to terms with exactly what is important to you and what isn't, so you can clearly pursue what is right for you. It is not an admission of defeat, nor does it mean you are accepting a person who is "beneath" you.
"Settle" is only a bad word when it comes to relationships because it is an excuse to hold onto unrealistic expectations. If you settle an argument, or settle a lawsuit, it usually means that the parties have come to a reasonable conclusion about a course of action.
Settling means you have come to terms with exactly what is important to you and what isn't, so you can clearly pursue what is right for you. It is not an admission of defeat, nor does it mean you are accepting a person who is "beneath" you.
I agree. It is definitely an excuse to hold onto unrealistic expectations.
But I think a lot of people have come to see settling in a negative light, not just in terms of relationships, but in any context. For example, settling a lawsuit. As far as the legal system's concerned, settling a lawsuit is a good thing because it means the courts won't have to resolve the dispute. But a lot of people will think "there are no winners except for the lawyers who made a lot of money." In other words, anything where there's no clear cut winner is bad. You definitely see this in politics. Democrats and Republicans can settle a disagreement and find middle ground. But supporters on both sides will be up in arms because they didn't get everything they wanted.
I think another area where settling is seen as a bad thing is in the job market. In my field, I could make a lot more money if I were willing to travel. But I hate traveling for work, so I accepted a job that pays less and lets me work locally. In the views of others (whose opinions don't matter that much to me), I settled and should've aimed higher. During the booming economy of the 90s, I saw this a lot. People would have a great job with a good salary and good benefits. But then they'd wonder if there was something even better out there and jump ship in less than a year. In their minds, they settled for a job that wasn't the best out there and therefore should go after something better.
"Settle" is only a bad word when it comes to relationships because it is an excuse to hold onto unrealistic expectations. If you settle an argument, or settle a lawsuit, it usually means that the parties have come to a reasonable conclusion about a course of action.
Settling means you have come to terms with exactly what is important to you and what isn't, so you can clearly pursue what is right for you. It is not an admission of defeat, nor does it mean you are accepting a person who is "beneath" you.
Funny - that was my first thought when I read the title of the thread. Settling as simply that....settling. And then I read the thread with the negative connotation. I believe I like this ^^ explanation best.
But I think a lot of people have come to see settling in a negative light
It would be more correct if people would say "settled for less". I think that was probably used originally, and then as people got lazy, verbally, they simply dropped the "for less".
I concur what others have said about the term "settle" and it being unrealistic expectations you place before even entering a relationship. So many people don't know how to just enjoy the other person without having all of these expectations. What happened to good ol' fashioned "courting" and being naive during that time. If you like someone you like them. If you don't, you don't. A lot of people get so hung up on the what's, if's and etc.. that they forget how to just let go and enjoy someone new. If it's meant to be, things will happen and any predisposed ideas you "thought you wanted" will go right out the window anyway.... It's fine to have some idea in your head of what you want and desire but you should never turn down a person because they don't meet every one of your expectations... that one person may be out there for you and maybe they make $5000 less than your "expected annual salary" or maybe they are 1" shorter than you want, would it be worth it to throw away a lifetime of happiness because you couldn't budge? I think not.
Perhaps, the word "compromise" would be better. Instead of settled, they compromised on what they would accept for a relationship. Essentially, they mean the same thing, but just sounds less stingy.
Settled for less, settled down, compromise, whatever you wanna call it, it's essentially the same thing. What the words actually mean isn't as important as how they're being used. One person may see settling as a sign of maturity while someone else will simply see it as pathetic. I personally don't see it as a bad thing. But it does seem like a lot of people have this fear of not only ending up with someone less than what they thought they could get, but also that others will think less of them for it.
Thanks to the internet, people have more options for meeting people. Online dating sites, Facebook, etc. You meet or have the potential to meet so many people that it's easy to hold out for Mr. or Mrs. Perfect. You'd think that the people who are inflexible on their requirements would eventually learn to be flexible. But I've seen a lot of cases where people become even more rigid with age, as if a bad experience taught them that being flexible is bad.
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