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Few people get everything they want in a relationship, passion, a best friend, good looking, rich, kind and gentle etc.
You have to decide if you want a marriage with a really nice guy who you don't have a lot of lust for or a marriage with someone passionate but potentially missing some of the great characteristics your current boyfriend has.
Well, if you wait much longer you probably won't be having kids.
If you're looking for the perfect guy, trust me, by now some other woman has already found him. At your age, all that's left are sloppy seconds and commitment-phobes.
Just make up your mind already. If you're already thirty you should know what you want.
Well, I think it is very obvious that it is a relationship of convenience. You said yourself it is more platonic, and not once did I see the word Love.
Thank you for the advice, particularly Djuna.
I do not want kids.
He did not propose to me or issue an ultimatum, he wouldn't, he knows I am ambivalent, there is no coming clean. But at the same time I know it is what he wants and feel guilty.
I have stayed with him because I want it to work out and there is a lot that I love about him. I just feel like time's up on my indecision.
Yeah, I think after three years, it's time to make a decision.
These feelings of ambivalence would be fine if you were 21. They would be fine if you had only been dating for a year. However, in your 30's and after having dated this guy for 3 years, you know enough to make a decision. Spending 3 more years with him will change nothing, will reveal nothing new.
At this point, I think you are wasting your time and more importantly, his time. I don't mean that to be cruel, but it sounds like he likes you a lot more than you like him. I think the only fair thing to do is to let this man be free to find a woman who REALLY loves him, who adores every word from his mouth, who can't wait for him to get home so they can snuggle on the couch and she can jump his bones later. You sound very "meh" about him. No one deserves to be stuck with a person that THEY are very devoted to, while that person just thinks they're "okay."
I do think that the OP was expressed very well and honestly described a situation that is difficult to deal with and I can't fault her for what she's telling us. However, I do agree with those who are telling you that it just isn't fair to this guy who sounds like a very decent sort of person to be left hanging in limbo, hoping that things will change. By your own words you've told us that this really isn't going to work for you in the long run and the fact that you even are posing this question to a group of strangers on the internet tells me that you already the answer to the question that you're asking us. For the sake of this man who appears to be deserving of respect I think you should break off the relationship. I wouldn't be one to attempt to try to hang a lot of guilt over your head for your predicament because I can see how something like this could happen. I just think you need to consider the emotional situation of this man who appears to have much more invested in your relationship than you do.
I do think that the OP was expressed very well and honestly described a situation that is difficult to deal with and I can't fault her for what she's telling us. However, I do agree with those who are telling you that it just isn't fair to this guy who sounds like a very decent sort of person to be left hanging in limbo, hoping that things will change. By your own words you've told us that this really isn't going to work for you in the long run and the fact that you even are posing this question to a group of strangers on the internet tells me that you already the answer to the question that you're asking us. For the sake of this man who appears to be deserving of respect I think you should break off the relationship. I wouldn't be one to attempt to try to hang a lot of guilt over your head for your predicament because I can see how something like this could happen. I just think you need to consider the emotional situation of this man who appears to have much more invested in your relationship than you do.
Very nice response, MG. I guess I can appreciate the situation as well. Also, if the gentleman is wanting to have children, he too, should be given the chance to find someone who loves him in the same manner in which he loves them, and be able to start a family.
Sounds like OP has a good head on her shoulders and knows what she wants in life. I am not so sure it is a partner for life, or just someone she is able to spend time with here and again.
OP, would you like to some day marry and have that special someone to love, and love you back? Just someone to spend your days with, without the worry of having a family?
I know I have already had my family and I am past that stage, and so is my bf. We are at the stage in our lives where we spend our time together, doing whatever. Doesn't even matter what we do. Just feels good to the both of us, having someone love us the same way we love them.
I think that is key, and I think this one sided relationship you are in is a bit of an unfair one, for the gentleman.
Good luck in whatever you decide. Seems like you already know what to do but are looking for confirmation....
Maybe you should consider talking to a professional to help you sort out your own feelings first. It sounds like both of you have become comfortable with the situation and don't have the passion to work through your issues. This guy has a lot going for him so you will be replaced in his life if you don't want him. Any marriage is how the two parties define it so the two of you need to decide what you want going forward.
Thank you all for the advice.
MontanaGuy that was a very nice thoughtful response.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pikantari
I am not so sure it is a partner for life, or just someone she is able to spend time with here and again.
OP, would you like to some day marry and have that special someone to love, and love you back? Just someone to spend your days with, without the worry of having a family?
Yes I am looking for a life partner. (I've always assumed husband but I guess it wouldn't have to be legal marriage.)
I know my posts sound callous, but I really do/did hope it was him--this wouldn't have gone on so long if not. He isn't just a guy I hang out with here and again, we live together, and share everything. Every step forward was taken in hopes that we would end up together.
The kids thing is unrelated--I've known since I was very young that I couldn't have kids naturally, and while I know there are other options, I guess I just crossed it off the list of interests early. He knows all this, of course.
To those crying old maid, yes, I do understand that if I lose him there is a very good chance that I might not find anyone else soon. It took me 10 years of adulthood to find him, and I know it gets no easier. Here in NYC I don't feel old yet, most of my friends are unmarried still, but I know it's coming fast.
Heidi, you might be right that counseling would be a good next step, to help me understand if the main issue is incompatibility or commitment phobia.
One question I ask myself a lot and have trouble answering is how I would feel about the relationship if we were already married--am I just freaking out in a cold-feet sort of way?
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