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Having know many firends who are musicans I really would decribe them as someone I would want my wife to be aroud sharing their affairs really. I thnithe OP is asking for trouble and knows it full well. If it happens she shouldn't be surprised really as a dult not a college age kid in that life.
I'm interested in this thread because this has been one issue that affected me personally, to put it bluntly, it ended my marriage as I am currently going through early divorce proceedings. Still, every cloud has a very silver lining, because I am finally OUT of Miami for good!
Firstly, I see a couple of you clearly are man-haters. Get over yourselves. The early feminists of the women's suffrage movement wanted equality, not a society in which men were dirt and always to blame, even in this case, when the "wife" seems to get off on opposite sex interests and is so clueless that she cannot see the wood for the trees, despite the fact that dozens of people even here have pointed it out to her, yet she continues to put her friend ahead of her marriage, much like my soon-to-be ex wife did with her own "little brother".
Let's be objective here and look at the information the OP has given us, basically shooting herself in the foot:
1) The friend has a past history of using women and being reckless.
2) He chose to confide in a married woman, playing the "pity" card, which as a red blooded man, is an attempt to get into JMassey's pants!
3) JM's hubby told her that he is fine with her having male friends, but he doesn't like this particular guy (gee, I wonder why?).
4) JM wonders why her hubby goes quiet, but as a man who was in a similar position, I am guessing that it's because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings or create drama, being as JM claims to have few friends of either gender.
5) Clearly, JM has posted here to seek validation for what is essentially the beginnings of an emotional affair. Perhaps she should just go ahead and screw her "friend" already, because we all know where this is heading.
Men and women can be platonic friends, but too many boundaries are being crossed here. Shame on those of you who defend this woman's actions. She is cheating and is blatantly wiping her ass with her marriage vows by putting what seems to be nothing more than a casual opposite sex friendship with a complete and utter loser ahead of her husband's needs. I'm sure he isn't throwing tantrums; it sounds like he's just too nice to tell his idiotic wife how he really feels.
Those of you who clearly have man-hating issues need to **** and get over yourselves. I would say the same thing if it were a wife being played by her husband. Regardless of whether it's the husband or the wife doing this to their partner and causing them unnecessary pain, it's WRONG.
It also blows my mind how many men and women are all for gender equality these days, yet, having a woman drop any male FRIENDS for the sake of her husband sounds like something from the 19th century. Having her drop her male friend because her husband is acting immature and jealous for no reason sounds even more ridiculous. So the male friend is in a vulnerable state and needs to talk, so what? She knows she's not attracted to him, she knows she can control her actions. I don't understand, at all.
WTF does "gender equality" have to do with it? It would be EQUALLY as wrong if this were a husband doing it to his wife.
WTF does "gender equality" have to do with it? It would be EQUALLY as wrong if this were a husband doing it to his wife.
Wake up and smell the coffee.
Gender equality has nothing to do with is. I mentioned it because some of the responses on here stating that she should lose the friend because the husband comes first, regardless of ANYTHING, sounds as ridiculous and absurd as those gender "roles" of the 19th century. And no, it would NOT be equally as wrong if the husband were doing this because what she's doing is NOT wrong in the first place!
Gender equality has nothing to do with is. I mentioned it because some of the responses on here stating that she should lose the friend because the husband comes first, regardless of ANYTHING, sounds as ridiculous and absurd as those gender "roles" of the 19th century. And no, it would NOT be equally as wrong if the husband were doing this because what she's doing is NOT wrong in the first place!
If this thread were written by a man, we'd all be saying that his wife comes first. There's no reason to turn this into a sexism issue. The spouse always comes first, and is part of what it means to marry in the first place.
If this thread were written by a man, we'd all be saying that his wife comes first. There's no reason to turn this into a sexism issue. The spouse always comes first, and is part of what it means to marry in the first place.
''forsaking all others'' They are not just words, they are a vow.
''forsaking all others'' They are not just words, they are a vow.
Yeah, that's that inconvenient part about the vows we take when we get married, dang it. We're actually supposed to LIVE UP to the things we promise at the alter, imagine that.
Oh and by pointing that out some of the genuis's here will tell us we are being "judgemental" or "imposing your values on someone else"
Attitudes like our OP's, coupled with a lack of real committment, are what account for the high divorce rate in this country.
So many people are making such a big deal out of this. Of course it's possible that there are elements to this friendship we aren't aware of that would make it inappropriate, but I don't see anything in the OP's post that would necessitate that conclusion. She does have a duty to her husband. He should come first. But she also shouldn't senselessly give in to illegitimate concerns of his based on irrational insecurity and jealousy. What she should do is do everything she can to make her husband and her male buddy friends with each other and to assure her husband it's platonic, and it sounds like she's already been attempting to do that very thing.
People need friendships outside of their spouse/significant other; too many people think their spouse should be their whole world and fulfill all their social needs, and that's a dangerous notion. And in being friends with others, why does it matter if it's someone of the opposite sex? With immature people, having opposite sex friends can certainly hurt one's romantic relationship. But with mature, sensible persons who know the value of platonic friendships with others and have the control to keep it platonic, having those friendships can help strengthen one's romantic relationship.
And it's not "emotional adultery" to confide in or to have a good time with a friend of the opposite sex alone. That's a fundamental part of what good friendship is. So long as your significant other is who you make your best friend, I don't see what the problem is with mature people having other (platonic) friends of the opposite sex.
Too many relationships break up because of people's insecurities over this issue. I know plenty of people that have gone through rough times in their relationship over crap just like this. If you don't trust someone, don't be with them. It's as simple as that. If they're going to cheat on you, they'll end up cheating on your sooner or later whether they have close opposite sex friends or not. It doesn't take being close to someone of the opposite sex to end up cheating with them (in fact, while I haven't researched the statistics, I'd wager you're less likely to cheat with a good friend than a casual friend or acquaintance).
Trying to control someone's behavior and telling them who they can and cannot be friends with will only make it more likely they cheat on you. Of course, if you think your significant other's friendship is fishy or you think their friend is after the wrong things, you ought to voice that concern. As a hopefully rational person, your SO will be able to discern if your concern has a basis in reality. But just because you "feel" like the friend might be some ******* and you don't trust them doesn't necessarily mean you're right; that could just be your irrational jealousy clouding your judgment. You don't need to trust the friend anyway...only your SO. And if you don't trust them, then end it and find someone you do trust to be with. And if you find yourself incapable of trusting people on a deep level, as seems to be the case with so many people, perhaps some therapy is in order.
Well if the OP is right that this friendship is purely platonic she shold not care if when she emails or talks on the phone with him her hubby can listen in and read emails back and forth. It should be no big deal. Then make it a point to get the two men together and maybe they can become friends. Maybe the hubby is concerned he is being left out. Somehow I have a hunch that is the main problem. Hubby can't be included in this triangle and he knows it.
Yeah, that's that inconvenient part about the vows we take when we get married, dang it. We're actually supposed to LIVE UP to the things we promise at the alter, imagine that.
Oh and by pointing that out some of the genuis's here will tell us we are being "judgemental" or "imposing your values on someone else"
Attitudes like our OP's, coupled with a lack of real committment, are what account for the high divorce rate in this country.
For giving me a chance to come off the sidelines...this was another thread I read with great interest, and there have been any number of well-thought-out posts herein...but here's my take on it...
OP, you are MARRIED...now, that doesn't mean you should cloister yourself away from the world, and not have ANY friends, but your husband is acting like he is for a reason...and no, that doesn't make him a 'jerk', or a 'loser', or 'selfish and immature'...in fact, OP is lucky that hubby hasn't gone medieval and tracked dude down and fed him a couple of knuckle sandwiches, while politely telling him to step the **** off and keep clear of his wife...
My wife has friends, both male and female, who were in her life BEFORE I got there, and will likely be there long after I'm gone...same with me and MY friends...we're both on Facebook, and that hasn't caused the earth to open up and swallow us, because we have a mutually strong trust of each other, and what's more, we TALK to each other whenever there's an issue, so that small tiffs don't lead to major blow-ups...
But I digress...OP's hubby must have extraordinary olfactory nerves, because he smells a rat, and his wife is too concerned with wringing her hands and crying 'Oh Harold...whyever should I cast my little brother out? He's just a FRIEND!' Yeah...the kind of friend Gordon Lightfoot was singing about when he said: 'Sundown, ya better take care, if I catch you creepin' 'round my back stairs'
And as far as him being a musician? Well no offense to any musicians hereabouts, but I wouldn't care if he could strum with one hand, bake biscuits with the other, and read the Sunday NY Times with his feet, at the same time...and hubby being jealous of dude's talent? Bullsnarkey...he's trying to let his wife know that there's something rotten nearby, and it ain't just Limburger...The Guitar Man has major issues, NOT the kind he needs to be sharing with a married friend, judging by what I've been able to piece together from info offered by the OP...by all rights, she should endeavor to find a way to tell him that his presence is causing a rift in her marriage, and maybe it's wise if they limit contact with each other...
That's not hubby trying to be controlling either...WTF? I'm willing to bet he really loves his wife, and isn't trying to control her at all---just let her know that her friend is a problem, and needs to go...and that ain't being judgmental and forcing values on someone else---that's the sound of people trying to let the OP know she should listen to her husband, and the two of them need to talk about this before it's too late, and either hubby says 'adios' and walks away, or Guitar Man succeeds in running wifey's bloomers up the flagpole in the town square, after he's succeeded in slipping her the ol' high hard one...only time will tell
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