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One study revealed that 48% of those who cheated were motivated by emotional disconnection with their spouse, and the primary cause of that was was feeling underappreciated. It was a lack of thoughtful and kind gestures.
Nothing can guarantee a spouse won't cheat, but a solid, loving, appreciative, and connected relationship reduces the chances greatly.
I don't believe that for a moment....somewhere along the line people have to stop making excuses for themselves...and take ownership, a person doesn't do what is not already in them to do...period...I felt very underappreciated, believe you me, however, I could have not run around on my husband....
Again, it's an excuse, if your that sad and lonely, show some respect for not only yourself, but everyone else involved and leave first. And I don't mean you, I'm talking you in general....\
There are tons of reasons why people cheat....but as far as I'm concerned, if it isn't already in a person to do so, they won't regardless, they will have enough respect for themselves and everyone else involved to leave first.
Those that do cheat are self imposed and thoughtless, they don't seem to care about how many other lives they are affecting...so regardless the reasons...there is a huge problem with the person who is cheating, and I'd leave, do not pass go, do not collect $200.00. There are people that cheat, once, and learn and carry the weight of guilt around for years and never do it again...but fewer then those who cheat all they're lives...again and again...
When I caught my husband I wondered how many others there were.....
found out he was cheating even before we were married.... how could I have been so blind
I saw a thread on here about forgiving a single act of infidelity and I got to thinking why would there even be one act?
You see, I love my fiance quite a lot. We communicate well and have a general good time with one another over all. Granted there are peaks and valleys, but there is is always love between us. I could never cheat on her.
My fiance is my best friend, lover and one day my wife and mother of our children. She so fills my life that can't even fathom such a horrible act.
So tell me, why would people do it. They obviously got in their current relationship for some reason or another. So why be so heartless and cruel to commit, what in my mind, is an unforgivable act?
I have been around so many couples in my 32 years in the Army. I had to deal with many cases of infidelity from either the Soldiers or his wife.
This is my observation. There can be so many reasons that people cheat.
I have seen guys that were very good husbands and never would ever think of cheating on their wives. But, when they did they were also in such shock wondering how they ever did such thing.
Others, cannot handle loneliness and find someone else to ease it knowing it is wrong and their guilt does affect them.
Back in '85 I remember this senior sergeant when I was stationed in Korea. He was going around with a lady here and there. For all I know he was having a lot of fun. Well, not as much as it looked. One day he came to my room and told me he wanted to talk. I could see he was in distress. Wow! Believe it or not he was very distressed. He suddenly starte to cry so loud and tears pouring down in buckets. He put his hands on his face and they go so wet from his tears. He screamed "I miss my wife so much! I REALLY want to be with her!" I just did not know to say so I just listened. I told him to let it all out and I was not there to judge him. He expresed how lonely he was and he could not take it and be with anyone but at the same time he felt so guilty.
I do not know whatever happened to him when he left Korea. Maybe he got divorced, I do not know. However, he surprised the heck out of me.
Also, after the infidelity may realize they had a weakness in their character and the emotional make up. Some see it as a time to reasses your life and see who you are and where you need to work on yourself on an area you never though you were weak.
Others do not think much of it. Actually, there are some women that are aware of what is going on but they just do not want to know about it. Some women have told me that deep inside that man is a good and caring men and later in life they know he will stick with them and end up being together.
In other words they see it as the men will "settle" down eventually and see them worthy to keep in the long run. Some do feel that when the hurricane arrives later in life their man will be there by them, interesting but it is what it is in some cases.
My mom. She told me a story she had with my dad. Way back in the 50s they met in Mexico. The got married and took her to Chicago where he had a job. She was a young 18 year old and he was about 28. He used to be an MC in the Mexican shows in those days. One day it got late and she stayed by the window waiting for him and it was late and late. He finally arrived. She told him "Look at my eyes and listen very carefully what I am going to tell you. You know the store in_________St? He said "Yes". Well, imagine that our home is the center of a circle and that store is the edge of a circle. Draw a circle around the house with that distance. Whatever you do beyond the circle is on you andy our conscience. However, if I am ever the gossip of the neigborhood with anyone inside this circle, you will never see me and our kids again in your life! Do you understand!" He said yes. She told me he never gave her reason to feel humiliated after that. Now, about a couple of years after he died she heard a rumor he may have a daughter in Mexico but they were not substantiated. She asked me to find that possible step sister I may have. I could not find anyone. However, I asked her why she wanted me to find her. She said, if she exists maybe we can help her. Interesting!
Another, a while ago there was an article in the Army Times. Remember the Tailhook Navy scandal a few years back? The article interviewed many Navy wives about cheating. Well, the article mentioned that some Navy wives would put condoms in their husbands luggage when they had to go away! They said they did not want their husband to cheat but if they did, they wanted to make sure their husband did not get some type of STD and they wanted to protect their family interests. They said they were aware how many women like to hit on Navy pilot whether they are married or not and their husbands after all are men and lonely. How about that one! Wow!
The last point. The cheater in the end is the one that betrayed. However, one thing I looked at as I dealt with so many cases is this. There are so many factors that come into play and this factors often lead to situations and circimstance both are not aware. These circumstance can lead to both growing appart. That is when the danger of infidelity starts to be a threat to the relationship. Often if the offended party is truly honest, he or she will realize how he or she contributed to a situation that may lead to infidelity. That is why a marriage is not different than anything else. Just as if you want to have a friendship to keep stable and strong you water it just like you do a plant, so with marriage. You need to keep nurturing it.
I lady that recruited me to be a volunteer in the community got a job with Child Protective Service. About a month ago I gave her a call to say hello. In the conversation I asked how she was doind. I sensed something in the tone of her voice. We ended up agreeing that she was so busy with her work and so her husband and the kids were a very time consuming task that there was not much time for them with each other. I could sense that maybe little by little they were starting to grow appart. She felt frustrated. I told her she needed to sit down with him and make it a point to set aside at least a couple of days if not more during the month for them to go out to dinner and if possible to leave the children with the in-laws so they could spend time together and enjoy each other. She said she was going to do that. I told her that if they do not do that little by little without noticing it they will be growing appart to the point that either one may emotionally fall for someone when they least expect. I told her she and him are human have their needs and if there is not time for each other they can be tempted by someone that shows extra attention.
There are books on the issues why cheating happens. In many cases a marriage can be salvaged and even grow stronger and in others it is broken forever with no recovery, take care.
So in 20 years I should expect my husband to have cheated or be on his way to doing so? Should he expect the same from me? That's horribly depressing.
There will always be things that take away from the "good" and "idealistic" status quo, but isn't the point of marriage to work through those together as a team, not be miserable and look for relief outside your relationship?
Absolutely not, and I hope not. All I am saying is that you have a better perspective on the reality of relationships. I'm not quite to the 20 year mark but even after 7 years I have seen friends get divorced, and have affairs who I never thought would.
And I completely agree with you about working hard to keep your marriage the best. I am actually a success story, so far. I just know I have drastically changed my POV when I was first married at 21. Back then I said the same thing. Now I can see why it can happen...and that it "can" happen to good people.
There are tons of reasons why people cheat....but as far as I'm concerned, if it isn't already in a person to do so, they won't regardless, they will have enough respect for themselves and everyone else involved to leave first.
Those that do cheat are self imposed and thoughtless, they don't seem to care about how many other lives they are affecting...so regardless the reasons...there is a huge problem with the person who is cheating, and I'd leave, do not pass go, do not collect $200.00. There are people that cheat, once, and learn and carry the weight of guilt around for years and never do it again...but fewer then those who cheat all they're lives...again and again...
When I caught my husband I wondered how many others there were.....
found out he was cheating even before we were married.... how could I have been so blind
I agree with you, to some extent. But once again, it's not black or white. A person's disposition to cheat will range across a spectrum from never to always, with by far most people falling in between the extremes. Circumstances will influence some more than others. So, I am totally convinced that some people set their spouse up to fail. I think that in extreme cases, an angry or unloving spouse will (perhaps subconsciously) even push a spouse so far that they do cheat (and they want this to happen), in order to claim the moral high ground and use the cheating as a reason to leave, because they can't justify to themselves to do so otherwise. That way, they don't have to take any responsibility for contributing to the problem, though most observers can easily see what's happening.
I'll respond to this with, I will never hit my junk with a hammer. There are just some things that you will NEVER do.
While I appreciate your level of committment and your belief that you would never cheat (which means you really probably won't ever do it), try to understand that sometimes in life there are situations that come up in a marriage that take a couple down that dark path.
You can't envision it now, but in truth, life can be messy sometimes.
For instance, I could sit here and swear up and down I WOULD NEVER STEAL.
THIEVES ARE BAD PEOPLE.
GOOD PEOPLE DO NOT TAKE WHAT IS NOT THEIRS.
And I would REALLY mean that and believe it with every fiber in my being.
But then one day for whatever reason, I find myself homeless with 3 kids in tow. I have no relatives to offer me a safety net. The Women's Shelter is full up and won't take us in. We are sleeping in the 15 year old car I inherited from a dying relative, and we don't even have a penny to put gas in it. AND MY KIDS ARE HUNGRY.
Now, what good does it do to swear you'll "never" do something when you really can't ever know what hands life will sometimes deal you?
Sure, I can swear all day long I am not a thief, I will NEVER steal.
But the reality is, given the worse case scenario (my kids are crying from hunger pains) I would steal for them to have what they needed.
Absolutes are easy to declare, but not always possible to really live up to.
I agree with you, to some extent. But once again, it's not black or white. A person's disposition to cheat will range across a spectrum from never to always, with by far most people falling in between the extremes. Circumstances will influence some more than others. So, I am totally convinced that some people set their spouse up to fail. I think that in extreme cases, an angry or unloving spouse will (perhaps subconsciously) even push a spouse so far that they do cheat (and they want this to happen), in order to claim the moral high ground and use the cheating as a reason to leave, because they can't justify to themselves to do so otherwise. That way, they don't have to take any responsibility for contributing to the problem, though most observers can easily see what's happening.
I definitely think this happens a lot. I think it's sad when some people are not willing to admit the part they played and they act like they are an innocent victim.
While I appreciate your level of committment and your belief that you would never cheat (which means you really probably won't ever do it), try to understand that sometimes in life there are situations that come up in a marriage that take a couple down that dark path.
You can't envision it now, but in truth, life can be messy sometimes.
For instance, I could sit here and swear up and down I WOULD NEVER STEAL.
THIEVES ARE BAD PEOPLE.
GOOD PEOPLE DO NOT TAKE WHAT IS NOT THEIRS.
And I would REALLY mean that and believe it with every fiber in my being.
But then one day for whatever reason, I find myself homeless with 3 kids in tow. I have no relatives to offer me a safety net. The Women's Shelter is full up and won't take us in. We are sleeping in the 15 year old car I inherited from a dying relative, and we don't even have a penny to put gas in it. AND MY KIDS ARE HUNGRY.
Now, what good does it do to swear you'll "never" do something when you really can't ever know what hands life will sometimes deal you?
Sure, I can swear all day long I am not a thief, I will NEVER steal.
But the reality is, given the worse case scenario (my kids are crying from hunger pains) I would steal for them to have what they needed.
Absolutes are easy to declare, but not always possible to really live up to.
What if you've been down that "dark path" and still didnt cheat? I was with someone for 4 years, the relationship went south and there was a 6 month period in which there was no sex or affection whatsoever. I still didnt cheat. Eventually I ended it but when you've been through hell in a relationship and you still found no urge to seek outside release, I think you can truthfully say you wont ever cheat.
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how could I have been so blind
I just know I have drastically changed my POV when I was first married at 21. Back then I said the same thing. Now I can see why it can happen...and that it "can" happen to good people.
