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The inlaws are more the "icing on the cake" so to speak. They're definitely not the only problem, but one that we can't change - her mom is always going to be crazy and manipulative and condescending. We just bought our first house here, so moving is not an option.
An issue specific between my wife and myself would be that maybe over the past 2-3 years we started growing apart. I mean, I would do my hobbies (writing music, playing piano, listening to music) and her "out of loneliness" started talking more to some of her old friends online. I think she began turning more to them for companionship, and I got replaced. We stopped going out to eat/get drinks, going to the movies, and started staying home. We rarely sat down together and focused on each othe...fast forward a few years and here we are!
Another thing - she's incredibly indecisive with regards to shopping, and I now find any form of shopping with her unbearable. She'll literally spend 10-15 minutes looking over which product out of a selection of 5 to buy, until I come and grab the cheapest and call it a day. I'm tired of "quick" trips to the grocery store turning into an hour and a half, and she's the type who takes any form of criticism personal, so...it's not a pretty mix, sometimes.
There's more nit picky things, but I think the growing apart, never having dated others, feeling like there's more compatible people out there for us both, aggravating each other, and then the inlaws on top of everything is depressing and bleak.
And yeah, I've discussed this with her - I told her I'm tired of feeling her family and friends come before me, and that we're no longer friends, and that I'm sick of whatever time we do have together being spent on other activities - be it working on the house or her talking on the computer or scheduling time to see her family or have them come over. I said I feel those are all substitutes for spending time with me, and that's not how I want my marriage to be. She said she resents me for some things, I said I resent her for some as well. It ended with me coming up with a 30 day deadline to try to give things a chance.
In the time period we're suppose to put away the computers, stop spending free time away from eachother, her stop talking to other's online, stop going to her dads/have sisters over during free time, etc...
And that's where I am conflicted. While we may become more friendly, do more romantic activities, who we became is still different. I doubt she'll become more spontaneous, less indecisive, less obsessed with animals - and I'll still wonder if there's someone out there more compatible for each other.
So I keep going between "we need a divorce!" and then having a nice moment with her (non-sexual) and thinking "I don't want a divorce!" We're about half way through the 30 days, and it's been a rollercoaster ride..
You know there is such a thing as an emotional divorce.You both might be there already. One of you just is looking for the other to quantify it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheEarthBeneathMe
The inlaws are more the "icing on the cake" so to speak. They're definitely not the only problem, but one that we can't change - her mom is always going to be crazy and manipulative and condescending. We just bought our first house here, so moving is not an option.
An issue specific between my wife and myself would be that maybe over the past 2-3 years we started growing apart. I mean, I would do my hobbies (writing music, playing piano, listening to music) and her "out of loneliness" started talking more to some of her old friends online. I think she began turning more to them for companionship, and I got replaced. We stopped going out to eat/get drinks, going to the movies, and started staying home. We rarely sat down together and focused on each othe...fast forward a few years and here we are!
Another thing - she's incredibly indecisive with regards to shopping, and I now find any form of shopping with her unbearable. She'll literally spend 10-15 minutes looking over which product out of a selection of 5 to buy, until I come and grab the cheapest and call it a day. I'm tired of "quick" trips to the grocery store turning into an hour and a half, and she's the type who takes any form of criticism personal, so...it's not a pretty mix, sometimes.
There's more nit picky things, but I think the growing apart, never having dated others, feeling like there's more compatible people out there for us both, aggravating each other, and then the inlaws on top of everything is depressing and bleak.
And yeah, I've discussed this with her - I told her I'm tired of feeling her family and friends come before me, and that we're no longer friends, and that I'm sick of whatever time we do have together being spent on other activities - be it working on the house or her talking on the computer or scheduling time to see her family or have them come over. I said I feel those are all substitutes for spending time with me, and that's not how I want my marriage to be. She said she resents me for some things, I said I resent her for some as well. It ended with me coming up with a 30 day deadline to try to give things a chance.
In the time period we're suppose to put away the computers, stop spending free time away from eachother, her stop talking to other's online, stop going to her dads/have sisters over during free time, etc...
And that's where I am conflicted. While we may become more friendly, do more romantic activities, who we became is still different. I doubt she'll become more spontaneous, less indecisive, less obsessed with animals - and I'll still wonder if there's someone out there more compatible for each other.
So I keep going between "we need a divorce!" and then having a nice moment with her (non-sexual) and thinking "I don't want a divorce!" We're about half way through the 30 days, and it's been a rollercoaster ride..
I've never heard such a load of selfish, immature twaddle.
Of course you're growing apart. you are different people. No matter how much you believe all the romantic b/s, you are NOT the same soul.
So she takes 15 minutes to decide which brand of cola to buy.
And ?
Didn't you ever go shopping with her before ?
You doubt she'll become the romantic, spontaneous person , or become less obsessed with animals ?!?!
Wtf does that mean ?
Apart from that you married somebody hoping to change them. and now your evil plan's not working, you want to run home to momma.
Did you marry her after your second date or something ? Because it sounds like you didn't take the time to get to know her.
You fell in love with a dream, my friend, not a person.
I'd love to hear her side of the story here, because right now, what I'm hearing is absolute nonsense, and somebody needs to grow up.
Why does everything have to be HER problem ? Are you as pure as the driven snow ?
You remind me of all the crap my ex-wife used to spout.
I'm WELL rid of her !!!!
Honestly, it takes two people who WANT the marriage to work in order to save it. Right now, I'm hearing some half-hearted desire on your part, and not very much desire on hers. I suspect you two have grown accustomed to the way things are and are nervous about change, so you're staying together rather than facing the unknown of getting divorced.
In the long run, if you're not happy, you're going to end up apart. Sometimes it's better to do that and make a clean break in your 20's, rather than do it at 30 with 2 kids tying you together for the next 20 years, or at 35 after someone has had an affair.
Marriage is a lot of work. It doesn't end when you say "I do", that's when the hard work begins. It's easy to fall in love with someone. It's hard to stay there.
I got married when I was 18 and my husband was 21. We're celebrating 15 years next month. Neither of us is the same person we were when we got married...looks, personality, habits, etc...all have changed throughout the years. Is he hard to live with sometimes? Hell yes he is. And to be fair, so am I. He's very laid-back and does the cultural "tomorrow" thing, as in, "I'll mow the yard tomorrow," "I'll go on a walk with you and the kids tomorrow," etc...and tomorrow really means some distant point in the future if he can't avoid it. I'm the opposite. If I'm working on a project, I have to finish it that day, even if I have to go buy more materials to finish it. He doesn't seem to have any hobbies anymore except shooting, while I have a bunch of hobbies and have learned to enjoy his hobby as well. I'd rather walk everywhere, while he whines if he has to walk further than the distance from the front door to the car door. He can't stand my friends or my relatives.
So why do we stay together, if we're not the same as we were when we met and we don't enjoy every single little aspect of life together, all of the time? Because a marriage is about working on the relationship and fufilling the commitment you make to your spouse. We're old-fashioned, neither of us believes in "starter" marriages. There's comfort in being together, and there's romance, sometimes at the times you'd least expect it.
About your wife, if she takes too long at the store, don't go shopping with her. Let her go by herself and spend all the time she wants.
And the pets...you have a house, right? I've almost never seen a one-bedroom house and you have no kids, so designate the spare bedroom as her pet room and turn your living room back into a room that you can enjoy together. You need a pet-free living room more than you need a guest bedroom. You might also consider developing an allergy too...not to all of the pets, but to some, maybe to their wood bedding, so that she gets rid of some. I'll point out the obvious too, if she wants children and isn't getting them, she's filling that empty space in her life with pets.
Take having kids off the table completely for now. They should not even be a consideration. You don't have children to make your parents or in-laws happy or because you think you've been married for long enough with out them. Those are terrible reasons to even consider having a child. You are 25 years old. You are very young and don't even sound like you are done growing up. You aren not ready for children.
The only way to figure out if your marriage has a chance or not is to talk to your wife about it. There is nothing that we can do for you except say go to counseling or leave her or stick it out. This is between you and your life. Talk to her about it. You made the decision to get married very, very young. The consequence of this decision is that you two hadn't figured out who you really were yet and now you may no longer be compatible. The only way to figure out if you two are still compatible is to communicate with each other and work together on this.
Way too much about children, and parents. If you and she want your own family, great..... But you don't have kids for other people. Your parents will spend as much time with your eventual kids as they want to. Believe it or not, many grandparents have no desire to raise their children's children. They already did their kid raising. And more than enough babysitting.
If life without her would be better than life with her, move on. Then both of you can be happy. Since you have no kids, a breakup is relatively easy. Then she can go back to her family and so can you.
You can change you and that's it. You can't change her.
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