How do you know when a marriage has ran it's course? (dating, wife)

[TheEarthBeneathMe]

How do you know when a marriage has ran it's course?

My wife and I are in our mid 20s, we've been married for 4 years (dating since teens) and are each others first serious relationship as well as first sexual partner. We do not have any children, but we're now at the point where it would be time to, and...I've been extremely hesitant and questioning some things.

Neither one of us has cheated, we know how to settle and work through arguments, and we both very much love each other, but - I sort of feel like we both grew up and became different people, becoming less compatible along the way. The friendship our relationship was based on is pretty much gone and I don't know if it can go back.

The current big issue for me is the thought of having a child away from my family, but near hers. Our families are about 1,200 miles apart, and earlier this year we ended up buying a house near hers (but again, away from mine). My wifes younger sister has a 2 year old child, and every time I see it interacting with my wifes parents, I feel terrible and like I'm robbing my parents of having that relationship and those moments. I already feel that her father doesn't respect or think much of me (see previous post), and her mother is not a very likeable person, even based on my wife, sisters, and my wifes father admission. I gave her mother a chance, but based on the mothers actions - I see exactly what they mean. She is manipulative, emotionally unstable, puts others down to lift herself up, and when I saw her making fun of her fiances 15 year old behind his back because he asked for something to eat - my stomach just dropped. When she handed the 2 year old child a baby chick, and laughed while he was holding it and squeezing and the chick was crying out, I looked on in shock until the childs mother took it away. When we were over for dinner, and she belittled and continually tried to embarrass her fiance in front of us - I was pissed off. This is a man who is worlds above what she deserves.

I cringe at the thought that she gets to bond with any child of mine, while my own mother sits alone 1,200 miles away.

So with these thoughts going through my head, the realization that my wife and I have drifted apart, grew up and changed, like different things in life (our living room is housing 2 rats, 5 mice, 2 snakes, 3-4 frogs, for a short while a potbelly pig, + 4 dogs in total - she wants to live on a big piece of property with horses and animals - I absolutely do not) - I really don't know what to do.

We get along great, both love each other, but we're more room mates at this point. We use to go out for drinks, but that stopped. She claims it's because I ate too fast and got annoyed with her, but I don't remember that happening. In fact, since we moved here (late January) I've been pushing to go out and eat and get drinks at a nearby restaurant like old times - yet I'm always shot down and it never happens...until her dad decides to take her and her sisters together, leaving me alone at the house.

Part of me feels like "going out" is over with at the age of 25, and that any fix we do is just a band aide and will result in us dragging things out even further. I think the marriage was good for it's time, resulted in us both getting a good start with our careers, a house together, and that it may be best to end it with good feelings before children enter the picture.

But at the same time - we both very much love each other and can work very well together. When we're good together, we're very good. It's as if my strengths are her weakness and her's are mine. Even when I'm the most depressed and thinking we need to end it - I get sad thinking how much I would miss her and that I would miss out on key events in her life.

So I'm incredibly conflicted. Whatever decision I make I know I'm going to have regrets - what do you guys think?

Edit -

We're not planning to have children right now, as we don't want to bring a child into this.

[nuala]

Originally Posted by TheEarthBeneathMe

My wifes younger sister has a 2 year old child, and every time I see it interacting with my wifes parents, I feel terrible

It ?? Seriously ??

Originally Posted by TheEarthBeneathMe

and her mother is not a very likeable person,... I gave her mother a chance

Lots of mothers are non-likable, with issues and mental problems. Yet a good man focuses on his wife, valuing her regardless of what her mother is like. Especially if the wife knows her mother's problem.

You gave her a chance? She doesn't owe anything to you, - you are concentrating on the wrong person.

Originally Posted by TheEarthBeneathMe

The current big issue for me is the thought of having a child away from my family, but near hers. ... I cringe at the thought that she gets to bond with any child of mine, while my own mother sits alone 1,200 miles away.

Somewhat, it's understandable to want to have your extended family nearby. But, you live in a country where people uproot and move. Some couples live 5,000 miles from any extended family. So what? They still have and raise their kids, relying on themselves mostly.

I recently started interacting with guys in their early 20s by the nature of my work, and at first it was unreal for me to hear so many references to "my mom says" and "my dad has", - now I use this as a yardstick to separate children from men.

All the other stuff about going out to bars is such a nonsense, you sound more and more like a teenager, not someone in a relationship for 7 years, and married for 4. Between longing for bars, missing mom, and bi^%$ng about someone else's mom, you sounds so young and ill-equipped for a relationship, it's not funny.

[TheEarthBeneathMe]

Originally Posted by nuala

It ?? Seriously ??



Lots of mothers are non-likable, with issues and mental problems. Yet a good man focuses on his wife, valuing her regardless of what her mother is like. Especially if the wife knows her mother's problem.

You gave her a chance? She doesn't owe anything to you, - you are concentrating on the wrong person.



Somewhat, it's understandable to want to have your extended family nearby. But, you live in a country where people uproot and move. Some couples live 5,000 miles from any extended family. So what? They still have and raise their kids, relying on themselves mostly.

I recently started interacting with guys in their early 20s by the nature of my work, and at first it was unreal for me to hear so many references to "my mom says" and "my dad has", - now I use this as a yardstick to separate children from men.

All the other stuff about going out to bars is such a nonsense, you sound more and more like a teenager, not someone in a relationship for 7 years, and married for 4. Between longing for bars, missing mom, and bi^%$ng about someone else's mom, you sounds so young and ill-equipped for a relationship, it's not funny.

Thanks for your post, but I never said anything to do with bars and longing for them...

edit -

In fact, thinking about it - I've never even been to a bar.

I was talking about when my wife and I use to eat at a local Mexican restaurant & get drinks with our food. THAT I miss...not going to a bar..

[Coolhand68]

Have you discussed any of these compatibility issues with her? Maybe talking about it can help you guys to reach a compromise. Maybe she has no idea you feel this way, or maybe she feels the same way and has kept it from you. The least you can do is talk about your concerns and the direction your lives are headed.

FWIW, it's common for young couples to grow in different directions as you get older. If you think it's worth salvaging, talk these concerns over with her.

[Johnny Vanderburgh]

When one of the two dies.

[MrRational]

x

[Djuna]

You know a marriage has run its course when;

-you ignore one another rather than fight
-you dream of the freedom being alone would give you
-you start separating bank accounts and keeping track of money
-you really start disliking the other person and their little ways you used to find charming
-you can't imagine the future with them anymore
-you stop going out together because you have nothing to talk about

Marriages fall apart for many reasons, you don't sound as if yours has ran its course.

[desertsun41]

A marriage has generally run it's course after about a month. By then everyone is sick of each other.

Marriage is like a 3 ring circus.

1..Engagement ring
2..Wedding ring
3..Suffer-ring

In the first year of marriage the man speaks and the woman listens. In the 2nd year of marriage the woman speaks and the man listens. In the 3rd year they both speak at the same time and the neighbors listen.

You married much too young my friend. No advice from me except to wish you and her luck and to remain friends. Hating each other is just not healthy.

[WestCobb]

You're 25, you two don't have kids and you're already having serious reservations and misgivings. My gut on this one is that you two should have a long talk and then probably start going seperate ways. You have far too many decades ahead of you to spend them with someone you don't feel is right for you.

[h886]

First and foremost, I agree with you that if you and your wife cannot get 100% stable and happy with each other, the most selfish thing you could do would be to bring a child into the mix. Yes, kids come into the world by accident under unideal conditions and their parents work to make the best of it, but it would be the most selfish act of all to consciously bring a child into an unstable marriage like the one you're describing. Make sure you're on both barrier and hormonal birth control that YOU can verify. Don't trust blindly and then be surprised by an "oops."

What you are describing sounds pretty typical of people who marry young. It's common to grow apart simply because you're not really done growing and changing until you reach 30-ish. After that point you stay more stable, but it's very common that the person you are at 27 is completely different from the person you were at 22. What you needed back then may not be what you need now. The person who matched with you then may no longer fit now. And that sounds like the case with you two.

I would recommend counseling. Weekly. Keep going for several months. If this has any shot of working, you have to face these issues head on, not hope they go away. They will only get worse if you don't talk them out. And if it turns out you aren't compatible in the long term and do split up, it's better to find that out when you're younger, before so much time has been wasted ultimately making each other unhappy.

As a final note, with regards to living near your family or hers, I have to say you're being a little immature on that one. The truth is, if you wanted to live near your mom, you should have married someone from your hometown whose parents also lived nearby. Of course, even then it's still a big "if." What if you can't find work? What if the other person doesn't enjoy that city? You would have to either make your mom happy and hers unhappy, or your mom unhappy and hers happy. There is no middle ground possible when you choose to marry someone who comes from a place 1,200 miles from where you do. And the truth is, when you're ready to get married, you need to be ready to strike out on your own with your spouse and leave your childhood behind. It's fine to love your mother and be close to her, but I'm hearing some immaturity in both of you that you want to be near your family and are jealous of her that you're not, and she had to buy a house near her family.

It could be neither of you are ready to have a healthy relationship yet. It's still all about you as individuals.