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Because I think we were happy in the beginning. The listening to music and playing piano alot came later. Im sorry if I sound hostile, its just hard accepting blame for something like their start of the relationship, when by all accounts we were in a happy and good relationship.
The "he gave her attention you weren't" is hard to hear because it's not accurate. He was just another friend to talk to whenever she was on aim. Days where we did nothing but hang out together she still got on the laptop each night and talked to him.
Anyway, I think she sent him back an email claiming she was working alot and had no free time to get online. We were cuddling and watching TV in bed when she got on her phone and replied.
But what I'm reading is that to you, it seemed like a happy and good relationship. That may not be the way it seemed to her. In fact, if she was seeking him out, I'd take that as one indication that it likely wasn't entirely good and happy to her.
I understand that you were trying to stay in contact with her online while you were away. That's a good effort, but it may be that she needs you around more, actually there with her and actively engaged. It's the reason some people just don't do well long-distance. Talking to your husband online while he's at work doesn't feel the same as having him there beside you to hold you at night.
This does not excuse her beginning an inappropriate relationship with this man. However, what concerns me most is that you seem so convinced this is all on her shoulders, and I don't see you accepting fault for your parts in it. It appears as if you are pointing fingers, so indignant because of what she did that you think your mistakes should be given a free pass of sorts. I have to tell you that a marriage will not survive that way. She does not want to be kept under your thumb. She will not tolerate it. She will not stay satisfied with you limiting her, with you setting down these rules about who she can talk to and who she can't. She'll rebel and she'll find another man who isn't out to "punish" her like he's the dad and she's the child.
Address the root of the issue, which is the space between you two, the lack of connection. If things are healthy and fulfilling between you two, she will not feel the need for anyone else. If she is seeking out someone else, something is lacking in her relationship with you, whether you recognize what that is or not.
And no matter when the piano playing and composing and music listening over-indulgence started, it is a problem now. If you want to be a married man, you need to put your marriage first. Right now the house is on fire. This is the time to be putting in 110% effort to save it, not close yourself off and indulge in a hobby.
Address the root of the issue, which is the space between you two, the lack of connection. If things are healthy and fulfilling between you two, she will not feel the need for anyone else. If she is seeking out someone else, something is lacking in her relationship with you, whether you recognize what that is or not.
Here's where youre making assumptions and missing the insidious-ness of emotional affairs.
To her he was just an innocent friend. Even today that's how she sees him. You're making it as if a wife drops all of their friends simply because the husband "tunes in more."
I think that's one area where I feel you're misunderstanding the situation.
What you're implying is that spouses would have no outside friends if only a spouse tuned in more. She didnt see hhim as damaging the relationship, just a new friend to talk to. She didnt seek him out either, as she was looking for new female frienfs to talk to, and one particular girl introduced them.
Its funny that you mention long distance relationships, as we successfully did that for a year.
I have a question - what do i do when....
Her and i have spent all day together. We ate together, watched TV, cuddled, ran numerous errands, watched TV more and cuddled then napped. We've been together literally all day from 10am and its now 9pm, and I'm getting the urge to play piano. Would it be wrong for me to say "I'm going upstairs for a bit..." and spend an hour if that by myself??? Also, would that justify her in saying "okay" and jumping online and talking to the other guy? Am I still a "wife abandoner" who deserves what I'm getting in that situation? Am I being unreasonable?
Here's where youre making assumptions and missing the insidious-ness of emotional affairs.
To her he was just an innocent friend. Even today that's how she sees him. You're making it as if a wife drops all of their friends simply because the husband "tunes in more."
I think that's one area where I feel you're misunderstanding the situation.
What you're implying is that spouses would have no outside friends if only a spouse tuned in more. She didnt see hhim as damaging the relationship, just a new friend to talk to. She didnt seek him out either, as she was looking for new female frienfs to talk to, and one particular girl introduced them.
Its funny that you mention long distance relationships, as we successfully did that for a year.
I have a question - what do i do when....
Her and i have spent all day together. We ate together, watched TV, cuddled, ran numerous errands, watched TV more and cuddled then napped. We've been together literally all day from 10am and its now 9pm, and I'm getting the urge to play piano. Would it be wrong for me to say "I'm going upstairs for a bit..." and spend an hour if that by myself??? Also, would that justify her in saying "okay" and jumping online and talking to the other guy? Am I still a "wife abandoner" who deserves what I'm getting in that situation? Am I being unreasonable?
Actually, I'm not missing anything. I unfortunately once got to learn more about this topic than I ever wanted to. The point I'm trying to make here, is not that what is going on with the other guy is okay. It's not. Nor does she need to stay in contact with him. If she chooses to, your marriage may already be over and you just don't know it yet.
My point is that you need to come at this at multiple angles in order to truly address the problem. Right now you aren't willing to do that, and it's going to eventually spell the end of the relationship if you fail to. It's like with a cancer. The doctor diagnoses you, then prescribes surgery and a round of chemo to get all the little stuff. If you get the surgery but decide to forgo the chemo, maybe it didn't entirely zap the problem, and it just grows back into a new cancer. Right now you are trying to point a bazooka at one issue and blow it away entirely while entirely ignoring the other part of it. The problem is, by failing to address the issues that contributed to this mood in your marriage being ripe for an affair to start, you are almost guaranteeing that it will happen again. It won't necessarily be with this guy, either. As long as she feels something is lacking, she'll find a way to fulfill it.
You're trying to avoid "fault" in this. It's a natural first reaction, but it's not necessarily one conducive to making a relationship work long term. Humans feel how they feel. Sometimes our partners need things that are silly. Part of being in a partnership is meeting that person's needs, whether it's the wife who folds her husband's socks like this instead of that or the husband who talks in baby talk to her teddy bear because it makes her laugh. So don't think of it like "fault." Think of it like now you know more about what your wife needs than you did before. One of the things she needs is to feel close to you in a way that she didn't before. That can be your goal, to work on that.
On your specific question, several points. First off, an hour doesn't sound so bad to me (though if you have a baby in the future, which I know was discussed, you can kiss that free hour goodbye.) Maybe you work up to that eventually. Right now I think the piano is a sore spot because you've overindulged in the past... in her mind it may be kind of like that other guy is in yours(!), that she feels resentful and it brings up bad memories whenever you check out and go off to do that, even if it's for a shorter time, unlike before. Would you be okay if she talked to him for an hour? Even if it's just about "friend" stuff? Nope. You'd still feel threatened. I agree with you that contact needs to stop, but right now you're approaching this much too much like you're her daddy punishing her for being naughty while he's in the other room. If you keep that attitude up, you'll drive her straight into his arms. She won't stay under your thumb. She has to WANT to fix this, herself. She has to WANT to be in this relationship with you and find it so fulfilling that she doesn't need his attention to feel good.
And as a side note, what you're describing isn't really quality time. You go on errands (a chore.) You nap (not quality time.) You watch TV (not quality time.) Cuddling is good. So would be talking to her. So would be going on a long walk with her and asking about her day. So would be spending time getting to know her family, rather than ignoring them. So would be finding new hobbies to enjoy with her. You two grew apart. Reengage in her.
So, in short I think you need to address this by getting counseling (weekly and for at least 4 months) to work on your problems as a couple. I think the counselor will likely delve into the emotional affair and the problems between you, which may help both of you when it's a neutral 3rd party making the recommendations instead of her ordering you off the piano and you ordering her not to talk to the guy. He/she can help you find better ways to connect, to work this back to a healthy state, OR she can help you realize that you really aren't what each other needs and get a divorce. Sometimes that's the answer too.
Last edited by h886; 06-02-2011 at 06:29 AM..
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