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What perplexes me is seeing people frequently demonize others for being passive aggressive.
I came across many "I hate passive-agressive people" comments, and I had come to perceive it as some super effed up trait. I eventually looked it up and I was like, "That's all it is?!"
Well yea, if you've not recognized the trait before, it may seem like nothing. But for people who are direct and prefer to be dealt with directly, this characteristic is extremely frustrating!
My previous boss was this way. I told her DIRECTLY that I prefer to be told DIRECTLY when I needed to change my work, or she needed something from me, or she had a question of me...whatever the circumstance, my preference, even if the message was negative, was to be dealt with directly. Do you have any idea how hard that is for some people to do? She could barely look me in my eyes when speaking to me and she wouldn't say "boo" to me. But when she was upset with me, for something she neglected to tell me, she would ignore me or spread hateful things about me b/c I hadn't done something. I guess I was supposed to read her mind. Anyway, thankfully, I don't work with her anymore, but I really don't understand why it's so difficult. Yes, people may be initially upset with something you may have to say, but take the mystery out of it and say what you have to. BE DIRECT.
Oh and let me add, if you are direct, that does not mean you have to be hateful. If I have a problem with something, I do not want to hurt that person's feelings...that's not cool. You can be nice AND direct...it's when people get nasty is when I have a problem.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,007,791 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShellNic
Well yea, if you've not recognized the trait before, it may seem like nothing. But for people who are direct and prefer to be dealt with directly, this characteristic is extremely frustrating!
My previous boss was this way. I told her DIRECTLY that I prefer to be told DIRECTLY when I needed to change my work, or she needed something from me, or she had a question of me...whatever the circumstance, my preference, even if the message was negative, was to be dealt with directly. Do you have any idea how hard that is for some people to do? She could barely look me in my eyes when speaking to me and she wouldn't say "boo" to me. But when she was upset with me, for something she neglected to tell me, she would ignore me or spread hateful things about me b/c I hadn't done something. I guess I was supposed to read her mind. Anyway, thankfully, I don't work with her anymore, but I really don't understand why it's so difficult. Yes, people may be initially upset with something you may have to say, but take the mystery out of it and say what you have to. BE DIRECT.
Oh and let me add, if you are direct, that does not mean you have to be hateful. If I have a problem with something, I do not want to hurt that person's feelings...that's not cool. You can be nice AND direct...it's when people get nasty is when I have a problem.
Precisely the difference between aggressive (as opposed to passive-aggressive) and assertive.
I can't say I 'hate' over it but it is one of the least attractive traits a person can have. My ex husband was p/a. Very unattractive and whimpy looking, esp on a guy. On a woman, it makes us look kind of bordering on psycho.
My awareness of passive aggressiveness is still fairly mediocre. I would need to anticipate it for me to know it's happening.
Take Dewdrop's examples for instance.
Quote:
When my roommates would leave their dirty dishes in the sink for days and days at a time - I would sprinkle the dishes with cinnamon so that they wouldn't smell. This was passive aggressive on my part. I sprinkled the cinnamon on the dishes - so obviously I wanted them to do the dishes but I didn't confront my roommates about it directly. I admit this was the cowards way out - but I didn't want to get into a fight with my roommates and I thought this way they would get the message with me sounding like a nag.
I notice the passive-agressive behaviour in this scenario because it was anticipated. I don't see anything wrong with what she did here though.
Quote:
When I was dating my ex - and he promised that he'd write to me when we were apart but he never did. I don't think he planned on writing to me but he felt that it was easier to say that he was going to and just not do it instead of telling me that he wouldn't write. That is passive aggressive. When my husband and I were apart - he straight up told me he wasn't going to write.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,007,791 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raging-Hetero
My awareness of passive aggressiveness is still fairly mediocre. I would need to anticipate it for me to know it's happening.
Take Dewdrop's examples for instance.
Quote:
When I was dating my ex - and he promised that he'd write to me when we were apart but he never did. I don't think he planned on writing to me but he felt that it was easier to say that he was going to and just not do it instead of telling me that he wouldn't write. That is passive aggressive. When my husband and I were apart - he straight up told me he wasn't going to write.
So, in other words, lying is passive aggressive.
I didn't find the ex not writing passive-aggressive. Passive, yes, but I couldn't see the aggression in there.
Well yea, it kinda is. Maybe not outright lying but it is a form, I think. I think passive-agressive usually comes from a place of anger and instead of outright saying, your dirty dishes are a problem, you do little things to assert your anger. And you have to admit, some people just don't get subtlety. You never really get what you want...well, maybe not NEVER. But why not say, hey roomy, I'd appreciate you cleaning up your dishes. I agree that there is a time and a place to bring up "touchy"? situations, but IMO, it's better just to say it. It's not like she's saying you're a dirty slob and those nasty dishes are growing mold! Even if it is true...
Assertive is good (in many cases). Agressive is necessary in some cases. Passive is essential in some cases. When you combine passive with agressive...it's a recipe for a fight. At least with me because, dang it, I want you to be DIRECT!
I prefer to be around direct and straight-forward people too. I don't like to have to play "guessing games."...I've known some passive-aggressive people who always show up late. (With tons of ready-made excuses.) YUK!
Passive Aggressive Behavior Defined:
Passive Aggressive behavior is a form of covert abuse. When someone hits you or yells at you, you know that you've been abused. It is obvious and easily identified. Covert abuse is subtle and veiled or disguised by actions that appear to be normal, at times loving and caring. The passive aggressive person is a master at covert abuse.
So every other reader on this forum is a "master covert abuser"?
How do you figure?
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