If You Made Mistakes In The Past, I'm Not Interested? (single, college)
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There's also a big difference between a mistake that can be easily put behind you with no future ramifications, and one that will have fallout for years to come. It sucks, but it's true.
+1
Sometimes mistakes can have consequences that affect future relationships, ability to jointly buy a first home together, raise kids etc. Some of life's journeys, such as raising kids, has enough stressors as it is without bringing in addition stress of a partner making poor decisions or a partner bringing in sizeable debt to the table.
I have no debt whatsoever and I will only date someone who has debt that is very manageable with their current income and that will be fully paid off in the short term AND in addition that debt should have been incurred for a responsible purpose (not on gucci handbags or from careless and negligent decisions!!!). I date women in their 30s and by that time if a woman has not learned responsible money management and responsible choices then she has not learned anything from life! I can excuse mistakes in your 20s but at some point one has to learn and grow up.
Expecting responsible behavior when a person is of reasonable age (late 20s and up) is not expecting perfection at all, it's a very basic expectation.
History generally repeats itself more often than not so one has to be extra careful to ensure that a person has learned a lesson from their bad decision and if there is any negative influence in their life (like family members etc.) that they have distanced such influence so that it does not affect their future family.
A person who has made the same mistake twice, well, that should always be avoided.
On the flip side...I'd probably be wary of anyone who seems like she's trying hard to project or maintain a squeaky clean image.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Auraliea
Has nothing to do with wanting someone who is "perfect."
There are just some things people don't want to put up with in their lives. There is a BIG difference between making a mistake and being a habitual screw up or being irresponsible.
I think the problem is not considering context and demonstration of a new pattern.
People need to let go of the idea that 100% of life is within an individual's control. There are so many variables outside of one's control. I've seen many with a judgemental attitude eat humble pie when life dealt them a rough blow and they found themselves in a situation they used to scorn in others.
How someone deals with their problems makes a difference too, both in coping, learning from, and actions to resolve or not repeat or worsen the issue.
Debt from college has been mentioned - I avoided this, but many are so young and naive coming out of HS. They are pushed to make major decisions which can affect the rest of their lives, with a college education being held as the BEST choice when it may not be. They may not have good guidance in these matters, and social values will also present things as "norms" so that they're almost unquestioned. The sexting and nude selfie phenomenon among the youth now is a prime example of this - it's a new "norm" and it's consequences are not adequately being communicated to young people.
I guess I have some sympathy towards past mistakes when viewed in the larger context. But I agree that there are details which influence whether or not these things are indicative of a major character flaw or are a human mistake that anyone could make.
People need to let go of the idea that 100% of life is within an individual's control. There are so many variables outside of one's control. I've seen many with a judgemental attitude eat humble pie when life dealt them a rough blow and they found themselves in a situation they used to scorn in others.
I think nobody here is commenting on situations that people find themselves in through no fault of their own or for an accident that can anyone could reasonably make. But when someone makes a deliberate mistake due to irresponsible or negligent behavior then it is definitely a matter of concern - how much of a fallout does it have? How does one be certain that the situation is not going to happen again etc.
For instance, if your partner accidently hits something with their car and is sued for damages then it's one thing, ***** happens sometimes...but if your partner co-signed for a loan for her brother knowing full well that he was a delinquent and now he/she is being sued for the loan then it is definitely a huge cause for concern. Just an example.
Being stupid, negligent etc. can cause HUGE liability issues in today's world, that's something many people want to avoid and it's totally reasonable to want to avoid it. This does not mean that the person who is irresponsible is a bad person but it's a characteristic that can put a huge strain on a marriage.
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