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Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,068,476 times
Reputation: 11862
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Phantasy Tokoro
The phrase "to each their own" comes to mind.
I'm not trying to convince everyone to jump into an open relationship, it's hard, it takes alot of work, and it takes alot of trust.
For some, they just can't fathom their spouse being with another, and that's fine.
The other reason for our open relationship is an easy one:
I don't have the necessary parts to completely fulfill my wife's desire. I only come with one set of genitals.
I can see bisexuality or pansexuality as a possible reason to have an open marriage. Relationships were one or both partners are bisexual are much more likely to be 'open.'
The reason there aren't reliable statistics about open marriage or open relationships is because the social stigma keeps people from admitting to them publicly. Clearly, there are some very judgmental people in the world who believe they have a right to dictate how others live their lives by shaming them.
In any case, if an open relationship is what you want OP, then that is something you should make clear as soon as possible. Preferably, when you are seriously dating and *before* marriage. Honestly, if you think you need an open relationship now, you will not magically change once you get married--so don't ever get married unless you have a spouse that is willing to allow this. Better to be told what a dirty rotten so and so you are prior to marriage then to have to go through a nasty expensive divorce afterward.
Those who marry with the expectation of a monogamous relationship have every right to be upset if they are cheated on.
For the record, I do know two couples in open relationships. They have been together for 10 years and seem quite stable. I also know a few couples in monogamous relationships and they are also relatively stable. Tragically, I know couples who thought they were in monogamous relationships but later realized they weren't--but still loved each other. Those are the messes.
Why some people choose and what some people get out of open marriages and/or swinging relationships, YMMV:
- Communication skills: If married people think that communication over finances is challenging, imagine honestly negotiating these feelings? For those people who succeed it is ENORMOUSLY rewarding.
- Confidence: The knowledge that the partner is here with ME because s/he wants, desires, loves ME not because they are boxed into some committment that they made x number of years ago. Seeing your worth on the open market and realizing that my partner still desires me is fairly powerful. Anyone who has been married for any length of time who tells me they never doubt if their partner still flames like mad for you I would doubt.
- For those people who associate as bi-sexual, this is a way to explore that side of themselves.
- For those whose love choice is mismatched in kinkiness, this is a way to preserve different comfort levels in a relationship.
No doubt I have seen people crash and burn in the attempt. But there is also no doubt that I have seen this work very, very well for some people.
There are only benefits to that sort of relationship if that is what both people involved are looking for. For my husband and I - there would be absolutely no benefits. It would be hell. Actually - it wouldn't be anything since neither one of us wants to be with anyone else - it's not even a possibility.
When you have actually been in love - you will understand all of this.
I actually am in love. I've been with the same woman for almost 10 years now. I love her with all of my heart.
I think the concept is more confusing to those of us who want to have sex with someone with whom we've formed an emotional connection...not just whoever we find physically attractive.
Because we need more to make the next step to physical intimacy, it seems like it steps into what should remain in the confines of the two people who make up a marriage.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,068,476 times
Reputation: 11862
Quote:
Originally Posted by barkomatic
The reason there aren't reliable statistics about open marriage or open relationships is because the social stigma keeps people from admitting to them publicly. Clearly, there are some very judgmental people in the world who believe they have a right to dictate how others live their lives by shaming them.
In any case, if an open relationship is what you want OP, then that is something you should make clear as soon as possible. Preferably, when you are seriously dating and *before* marriage. Honestly, if you think you need an open relationship now, you will not magically change once you get married--so don't ever get married unless you have a spouse that is willing to allow this. Better to be told what a dirty rotten so and so you are prior to marriage then to have to go through a nasty expensive divorce afterward.
Those who marry with the expectation of a monogamous relationship have every right to be upset if they are cheated on.
For the record, I do know two couples in open relationships. They have been together for 10 years and seem quite stable. I also know a few couples in monogamous relationships and they are also relatively stable. Tragically, I know couples who thought they were in monogamous relationships but later realized they weren't--but still loved each other. Those are the messes.
Yeah I don't know what I want at the moment. I'm not even looking for marriage, and having never been in a relationship the idea of an exclusive relationship appeals to me most. Maybe it's because I'm naive, but the idea of her cheating doesn't seem that big of a deal. I was raised religious but am at the stage of questioning a lot of things. But yes, I can imagine myself being in an open relationship, but I wouldn't say I have a preference for it. If I met a great woman who was really against it I would definitely go in for that. I'd find her loyalty sweet, and would demonstrate the same loyalty towards her.
I think the concept is more confusing to those of us who want to have sex with someone with whom we've formed an emotional connection...not just whoever we find physically attractive.
Because we need more to make the next step to physical intimacy, it seems like it steps into what should remain in the confines of the two people who make up a marriage.
I can never have sex without some sort of emotional attachment. It's something that my wife teases me about.
I don't just lay whatever's pretty, I actually form an attachment and the lay them. Or, form the attachment while laying them, as the case was...twice.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,068,476 times
Reputation: 11862
Quote:
Originally Posted by Phantasy Tokoro
I actually am in love. I've been with the same woman for almost 10 years now. I love her with all of my heart.
Yet I can still have feelings for others.
I think it's about understanding the nature of love. The love for yourself, for others - in a way, it's all the same. It's all an expression of Love, the principle. It's society and culture which boxes in love to certain relationships.
No matter whom I'm around, I've never found a person whom I could share the same bond as PhantasyTokoro. He's a soul mate - almost like a twin. It's a connection that words simply cannot describe.
Different people, different relationship dynamics.
Neither of us are very monogamous people, but we share a bond like no other.
This February, we celebrate 4 years of marriage. This September, we celebrate 10 years of relationship.
Congratulations to you all for making it work!
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