Had a not so pleasant debate with a swinger/open sex marriage person (girlfriends, men)
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So I know this guitar player. Had a conversation with him recently where the fact that he and his wife swing and it kind of got ugly at moments when we shot back at each other view points that don't agree.
It started and progressed because we were talking about the fact that I am single and have nobody I am seeing at the moment. I mentioned that the last couple times I have been out at the bars watching bands, one time his, the women that flirted and came on to me turned out they had husbands at home. I was just drinking at the bar next to them and talking and they got all flirty with me. I wasn't looking for anything with them.
He said , "well they know what their doing why didn't you go for it"? I said I don't respect people who have made a vow and are married who cheat or have sex even if it is open sex outside the marriage like even swingers. I knew he and his wife are, so I knew that was opening a can of worms with my comment.
And it did, because his over tone got nasty, and he said " you are in for a big surprise when you finally discover the real world out there and how the world is gonna dump on you if you don't grow up and how he hates attitudes like mine that demand everybody be the one and only to each other", "What century do you think this is?" he said.
I told him do what you want but don't tell me it is some enlightened attitude, to separate sex from marriage, to think that having their commitment in just emotion but leaving open sex as some separate thing is enlightened because that is a cop out for the fact that you can't commit or stand up to a promise all the way.
He didn't like what I said, and it may be judgmental but that is what I think. And frankly those married women that flirted with me that openly suggested leaving together I see with a bit of disgust.
I don't care what people do if single, I am no poster boy for morality myself, but if people want to mess around get single or stay single.
But all this has been messing with my mind recently, depressing me a bit. What happened to me at the bar, that guys viewpoint , and how so many people get divorced now and how they f... around. I know several people after years of marriage, it falling apart or where one of them cheats. It is more normal than not now.
It is all I see out there. And it scares the crap out of me and enforces my fear of even trying to find a long term commitment anymore. I am NOT gonna be the guy who's wife is trying to get some strange while I am at home. And I am not going to the guy who lets his woman get open sex from others in order to save their marriage. I am not going to be the guy who after 20 years of marriage has his wife leave him to reunite with a long lost from facebook.
I cannot understand how a guy would be alright with his woman doing other guys, even if it is supposedly that he has her heart and those other guys are just sport.
Yeah I am judgmental that way, I think those guys are loosers....
He said the world will take a dump on me if I don't grow up, I think it already has.......
Chin up my friend!
There is really NO reason to be depressed over the infidelities of others. In the end, THEY will be the ones "dumped on" while you will live a more drama-free existence with a partner you can completely trust who will value you above all others (if you take your time and chose wisely).
If cheating is really all you see out there right now, you just need some new places to hang out
Many, many married people value the vows they took and keep them.
I suspect your age and the all the places you're hanging out to see bands is just causing you to rub elbows way too frequently with those confused, bored angst-driven 20 and 30-somethings that have no solid grounding to build their relationships on. It's coloring you view and vision of the rest of us out here in the real world
Don't fall for the hype - stick to your guns, you know you are right on this!
Honestly, I can't imagine being in an open marriage for myself. I like simplicity. But I don't get why people who don't want that for themselves freak out and cast so much judgment on people who agree to have an open marriage though. It WORKS FOR THEM - why on earth are you are judging them for doing what works for them in a consensual relationship between two adults???
OP, you might be single, because you do stuff like what you did with this guy - say something judgmental and mean just out of the blue to start a conflict. I run from people like you as soon as you reveal your true colors. It's not an attractive trait.
Directed towards the OP..
My deal is “live and let live”
What may work for one couple may not work for all couples and this is okay.
If I meet a couple that swings? More power to them, I question their fidelity towards one another but this is none of my business.
I think of swinging in the same category as “fetish” Some couples have the same mindset or one couple does and happens to be with someone who is go with the flow and wants to try it, is it going to work? None of my business.
I have stated before that I do not share well nor do I play well with others and if this is something my SO states they want to try I will state that it is at this point that I become a free agent.
So he is faced with the reality of whether he wants his fantasy played out or I just skip out and find someone else.
I am not telling him he is wrong for wanting it I am merely stating that this lifestyle is not for me.
Funny this thread should pop up..
I received an email my ex this weekend ( just read it tonite)
He stated the usual, hopes I am doing well, glad that I found someone, and his ex bro in law is getting a divorce after 17 years.
I asked why? Since they had an “open marriage” and were swingers?
And lol’d at the end! He emailed me back “Be nice” She left him for a chick, low and behold she was really bi and she did not realize this until the last 6 years and she fell in love with one of their “partners”
My reply? LMAO! I guess the old adage “be careful what you ask for” applies..
There is really NO reason to be depressed over the infidelities of others. In the end, THEY will be the ones "dumped on" while you will live a more drama-free existence with a partner you can completely trust who will value you above all others (if you take your time and chose wisely).
If cheating is really all you see out there right now, you just need some new places to hang out
Many, many married people value the vows they took and keep them.
I suspect your age and the all the places you're hanging out to see bands is just causing you to rub elbows way too frequently with those confused, bored angst-driven 20 and 30-somethings that have no solid grounding to build their relationships on. It's coloring you view and vision of the rest of us out here in the real world
Don't fall for the hype - stick to your guns, you know you are right on this!
The guy ask him "why, he didn't take advantage" I see nothing wrong with your comment to him. If he was offended, that's his problem. You don't have to accept his lifestyle, just like he doesn'thave to accept yours. If he didn't want to know "why" he should not have asked.
LK, you're usually more level-headed. Why on earth did you feel the need to pick a fight with the guy? I think I would have simply said, "It's just not for me, thanks. So, who's your favorite baseball team?"
LK, you're usually more level-headed. Why on earth did you feel the need to pick a fight with the guy? I think I would have simply said, "It's just not for me, thanks. So, who's your favorite baseball team?"
Sometimes, I think (speaking for myself) things just rub you the wrong way...Could have been the tone of voice the guy was using, or just the fact that one of them din't have their mocha that morning..
Yeah I am judgmental that way, I think those guys are loosers....
I agree with YOU, those two are losers. But I don't think that you should be afraid to look for a long term romantic relationship because of their attitudes or those barhopping wives you see looking for some side action. The answer is that you take your time getting to know your special love before you commit. Make sure that she is your best friend as well as your lover. But if she isn't best friend quality, then don't give her your heart.
By best friend, she should share your many of your interests, have the same integrity and moral values you do, and share the same long term goals. She should also be appalled at the idea of swinging within a marriage.
IMO too many couples base their relationship solely on having a strong physical attraction towards each other. Because once those infatuation feelings fade, there's not enough holding them together. So then they are off following their new infatuation feelings for other people. And having children together isn't magic relationship glue.
I just wanted to point out that OP never intended to consider anyone else's perspective here. He and some other posters are not only judgemental but believe that others should not be permitted to live their lives in a manner that they do not dictate to them -- and become frustrated that they do not have the direct control over other people they desire. That's a key problem with several social issues the country wrestles with today.
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