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We were together for almost 9 years, married for 5. She has low self esteem issues, depression & anxiety, had a suicide attempt this past year, and we just had an ectopic pregnancy which almost killed her about 4 months ago. We still love each other and want to remain friends...we just married too young, never dated people prior, and realize there probably are better matches for us..
Plus, now that I'm taking a step back from everything - I realize how tired I am of dealing with her anxiety & depression..
So, she's become quite promiscuous over the past few months. I think there's been around 5 guys she's had sex with so far (off dating sites) - a few times inviting them straight over to the house (which we share until I can move out (soon)..) as the first meeting. I'm aware of atleast one without protection.
I still love her and after knowing her since we were teenagers - I know she's not the type of person to do that.
What I really think, is that she needs her family to step in and be a little judgmental and encourage her back into counseling (she stopped once we quit marriage counseling). I know she's depressed over losing the pregnancy, the divorce, and then she expresses how depressing the idea of living alone will be.
I've spoken to her mother, her father, and one of the sisters (who she's closest to) - gave them all the detail (there have been more guys since then..). They each expressed how surprised they were to hear it, how "wrong and dangerous" it was and how they agree she needed help - but they do nothing!
This is the family who makes a point to be there all together for dinner at the dads each week - yet when actual s**t hits the fan - it's ... "I'm sorry that it's happening, but I'm trying to create the least amount of stress for my family as I can..." - her sister.
Or the mother who wants to argue over whose going to cut the grass and do home maintenance - when the topic is how I'm sick of guys coming over, skrewing her in our bed & then leaving, and that she's refusing to *stop* doing it until I can move out - hence why she's being kicked out (since I'm paying all the bills..), and asking to stay at their house.
She's since back here, we're working alternate shifts, yet the guys coming over while I'm at work continues.
I'm tempted to send one last open email to all of them, being brutally honest with how dissapointed I am with them for only being there for the *fun* family moments, yet standing on the sidelines when she needs them the most. That they need to step up, or be prepared for perhaps her next attempt to be successful, and to be prepared knowing they did nothing to stop it (she has made off handed suicidal comments since).
So - what should I do in this situation? What I'm afraid of is leaving, having her do something, and feeling like I didn't do enough to prevent it..or for her to come down with something, or to meet the wrong person online...
BTW - she's getting the house, so I'm unable to force her out and with family.
You're paying all the bills and she's gonna get the house? Fight harder for it, man, or at least fight for the house to be sold so you can get half of whatever equity (if any) is in the house. You're not the one who broke the wedding vows, you're not the one engaging in risky behavior. Why should you be punished for that?
Anyways, she first has to WANT to be helped. I hate to say it because I've helped friends out here and there with some advice when their lives have gone downhill, but you can only help people who want to be helped. If you try helping and they don't want your assistance, or don't want to first help themselves, then you're going to be fighting a losing, uphill battle and nothing you say or do will "stick."
Sorry to hear about your upcoming divorce, and losing a pregnancy- that's got to be hard.
OP has already alerted the family. So why is he still engaging so hard?
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I've spoken to her mother, her father, and one of the sisters (who she's closest to) - gave them all the detail (there have been more guys since then..). They each expressed how surprised they were to hear it, how "wrong and dangerous" it was and how they agree she needed help - but they do nothing!
I am sorry first of all that this is happening to you, it must be very hard to have this going on in front of you and by someone whom you were very close to for quite some time.
Divorce is never easy and it is especially hard when things like sharing quarters occurs for a short amount of time until other arrangements can be made.
You stated that she has suffered from anxiety and depression throughout your whole marriage, she just went through a ectopic pregnancy which was physically as well as emotionally taxing and she is probably going through lot.
With her anxiety, depression, the failed pregnancy and divorce? Her anxiety is probably through the roof.
I am by no means making excuses for your soon to be ex wife I am saying there is a reason for her behavior whether or regardless the behavior is appropriate ( Which it is not)
It looks as if she is attaching herself to these men in order to stave off the anxiety and that feeling of lonliness she fears ( As you stated) this is of course temporary and perhaps there will be a time when she is better and past all of this that she looks back and will regret her behavior but for now it seems as if this is what she needs to do to get by.
I agree that this behavior is self destructive and it obviously has hurt you tremendously and for this I apologize even though I do not know you.
I agree she would benefit from therapy, a safe place to talk about all she is going through and not be judged instead of choosing the course she is on now.
The question of her family? I agree they should care but I agree with some of the posters, If they have had to deal with her mental illness prior to this event they may be tired and want to avoid this altogether.
I know I have a good friend whose sister is mentally ill and has been self destructive on a much worse level and has been this way for 8 years, jail time, drug use and so forth. Her parents are older and are getting tired of enabling her yet they lack the endurance and conviction to actually set boundaries and follow through with their threats.
The truth is parents and family can do very little when dealing with an adult, They cannot make her get therapy, they cannot make her enter into a inpatient program to get her stabilized and better to where she can manage her mental illness.
Even when it comes to suicide attampts all that can be done is a call to the PD, make them aware of the situation, get a psych team on board when they go pick her up and a 51/50 can be done but even this has time limits.
Her family has already stressed they will not be on board for any type of intervention so a letter can be sent by you however I doubt it will do anything but cause hard feelings.
As far as you are concerned? I feel by what you have stated you have done everything you can possibly do. Her life is her own and this is the way she chooses to live it, sad but true. I would be supportive in the months to come if you choose but no one will tell you that you are wrong for not choosing to do so. You are going through a divorce and have no children? So it will be a clean break. Do not be her anchor for this is enabling behavior as well. We cannot fix someone we can only direct them towards help should they choose to want it.
I am sorry first of all that this is happening to you, it must be very hard to have this going on in front of you and by someone whom you were very close to for quite some time.
Divorce is never easy and it is especially hard when things like sharing quarters occurs for a short amount of time until other arrangements can be made.
You stated that she has suffered from anxiety and depression throughout your whole marriage, she just went through a ectopic pregnancy which was physically as well as emotionally taxing and she is probably going through lot.
With her anxiety, depression, the failed pregnancy and divorce? Her anxiety is probably through the roof.
I am by no means making excuses for your soon to be ex wife I am saying there is a reason for her behavior whether or regardless the behavior is appropriate ( Which it is not)
It looks as if she is attaching herself to these men in order to stave off the anxiety and that feeling of lonliness she fears ( As you stated) this is of course temporary and perhaps there will be a time when she is better and past all of this that she looks back and will regret her behavior but for now it seems as if this is what she needs to do to get by.
I agree that this behavior is self destructive and it obviously has hurt you tremendously and for this I apologize even though I do not know you.
I agree she would benefit from therapy, a safe place to talk about all she is going through and not be judged instead of choosing the course she is on now.
The question of her family? I agree they should care but I agree with some of the posters, If they have had to deal with her mental illness prior to this event they may be tired and want to avoid this altogether.
I know I have a good friend whose sister is mentally ill and has been self destructive on a much worse level and has been this way for 8 years, jail time, drug use and so forth. Her parents are older and are getting tired of enabling her yet they lack the endurance and conviction to actually set boundaries and follow through with their threats.
The truth is parents and family can do very little when dealing with an adult, They cannot make her get therapy, they cannot make her enter into a inpatient program to get her stabilized and better to where she can manage her mental illness.
Even when it comes to suicide attampts all that can be done is a call to the PD, make them aware of the situation, get a psych team on board when they go pick her up and a 51/50 can be done but even this has time limits.
Her family has already stressed they will not be on board for any type of intervention so a letter can be sent by you however I doubt it will do anything but cause hard feelings.
As far as you are concerned? I feel by what you have stated you have done everything you can possibly do. Her life is her own and this is the way she chooses to live it, sad but true. I would be supportive in the months to come if you choose but no one will tell you that you are wrong for not choosing to do so. You are going through a divorce and have no children? So it will be a clean break. Do not be her anchor for this is enabling behavior as well. We cannot fix someone we can only direct them towards help should they choose to want it.
Good luck.
Thank you, that was helpful.
Depression and anxiety are common on the mothers side...apparently so is cheating.
When i spoke to her father he expressed how he went through it with her mom, and how draining it was to deal with. He said he felt sorry i went through it, and felt terrible saying it - but the weight off his shoulders when he finally left was amazing.
He was frustrated with her and couldnt even talk to her for a few days. I really wish i spent more time with him, as hes been tremendous during the past few months.
I imagine theyre all emotionally drained....
I didnt think of that, thanks for pointing it out.
I think youre right about not seeing eachother after. That will be hard, but necessary.
The suicide threats have increased since i told them last..and the "trying to catch an std" and men from online, is new.
I was going to see how this week goes for her...hopefully i scared sense and reason into her. She was crying and visibly upset over the pictures of babies with herpes...hopefully she realizes that isnt what she wants, and the random sex hasnt been worth that risk.
Shes had no guys over since...
While im still technically living there, while all my things are there - id like to know when and who comes over.
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I think the issue is that while you stated the divorce, stated the issues in your marriage, stated her mental illness, stated that you have reached out to her family with no results your focus has been on her bringing men home to have sex with.
And I WILL state you are better than I. I would have had a fit and stated if she wanted to have sex with other men? Great however at least have some decency and respect for me and the home we shared together. I would tell her to go to a motel or to their home, the beach, their car, any place but our home until you leave.
However being that she has already done this and for some reason this was not discussed? It is futile to even argue. The home belongs to the both of you unless I am mistaken?
It is immoral but what she is doing is not against the law.You can call the police every time a man is in your home for trespassing however he is not is he? He was invited in by your soon to be ex wife.
And while yes you do have the right to know who is in your home even when you are at work? Knowing is not going to do any good. You already tried to kick her out but somehow she is back home? I would call all of these issues a decision. You obviously allowed her to come home so this tells me you are willing to be angry and continue to be angry about this but you are not willing to make the hard calls in order to get what you want?
So other posters telling you to get out NOW.. Means living with a friend and sleeping on someone’s couch until you find a place. It means fighting for your half of the home while you reside somewhere else like you plan to do anyways, and at least get half of what the home goes for.
It means kicking her out since the men are a big issue for you and being that you stated you are paying all the bills.
The choice is really yours the matter is whether or not you are going to take the steps to take your life back.
Depression and anxiety are common on the mothers side...apparently so is cheating.
When i spoke to her father he expressed how he went through it with her mom, and how draining it was to deal with. He said he felt sorry i went through it, and felt terrible saying it - but the weight off his shoulders when he finally left was amazing.
He was frustrated with her and couldnt even talk to her for a few days. I really wish i spent more time with him, as hes been tremendous during the past few months.
I imagine theyre all emotionally drained....
I didnt think of that, thanks for pointing it out.
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No problem. Of course you did not think of this, how could you? It is hard to maintain a proper objective perspective when one is smack in the middle of the muck.
Again I am sorry and feel you have some decisions to make that will be good for you.
I feel that you are alone in this and it is time to bite the bullet and make some hard decisions that will benefit you.
You can no longer continue to beher anchor, we are given one life and it is up to us on how we choose to live it.
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