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As someone who was involved with a very self-destructive guy whom I loved very much, I can tell you with conviction that what you really need to do is just walk away. Otherwise you will drain yourself trying to protect her from herself. Some people just gotta bang their head against the wall before they learn from their own mistakes. My favorite ex is like this - I've kept my distance over the past few years, even though I know he's gone through some painful stuff. But I also know that any positive impact I may have could just as easily become a negative one. He's gotta fix his life on his own. Give your soon-to-be-ex-wife the same courtesy.
I guess the hard part is, is that I went through the lost pregnancy with her and saw how it affected her...I know she's still very depressed over it, and by just turning my back and leaving without seeing it addressed...
Plus when someone HAD a suicide attempt recently, and they're making comments about it again - the idea of leaving them alone in an empty house with the same meds she tried to OD on - that's scary!
She's also made comments about WANTING to catch an STD (I haven't told the parents about that)...
...surely parents would want to know their daughter is acting different, severely depressed, and engaging in harmful behavior....?
Last edited by TheEarthBeneathMe; 08-28-2012 at 08:28 AM..
The problem is she may never clean her act up and get help. Do you really want to be dealing with this forever? You have informed her family, I think it's now their responsibility to check on her and push her towards getting the help she needs. As difficult as it may be you need to be free of this psychological manipulation.
We were together for almost 9 years, married for 5. She has low self esteem issues, depression & anxiety, had a suicide attempt this past year, and we just had an ectopic pregnancy which almost killed her about 4 months ago. We still love each other and want to remain friends...we just married too young, never dated people prior, and realize there probably are better matches for us..
Plus, now that I'm taking a step back from everything - I realize how tired I am of dealing with her anxiety & depression..
So, she's become quite promiscuous over the past few months. I think there's been around 5 guys she's had sex with so far (off dating sites) - a few times inviting them straight over to the house (which we share until I can move out (soon)..) as the first meeting. I'm aware of atleast one without protection.
I still love her and after knowing her since we were teenagers - I know she's not the type of person to do that.
What I really think, is that she needs her family to step in and be a little judgmental and encourage her back into counseling (she stopped once we quit marriage counseling). I know she's depressed over losing the pregnancy, the divorce, and then she expresses how depressing the idea of living alone will be.
I've spoken to her mother, her father, and one of the sisters (who she's closest to) - gave them all the detail (there have been more guys since then..). They each expressed how surprised they were to hear it, how "wrong and dangerous" it was and how they agree she needed help - but they do nothing!
This is the family who makes a point to be there all together for dinner at the dads each week - yet when actual s**t hits the fan - it's ... "I'm sorry that it's happening, but I'm trying to create the least amount of stress for my family as I can..." - her sister.
Or the mother who wants to argue over whose going to cut the grass and do home maintenance - when the topic is how I'm sick of guys coming over, skrewing her in our bed & then leaving, and that she's refusing to *stop* doing it until I can move out - hence why she's being kicked out (since I'm paying all the bills..), and asking to stay at their house.
She's since back here, we're working alternate shifts, yet the guys coming over while I'm at work continues.
I'm tempted to send one last open email to all of them, being brutally honest with how dissapointed I am with them for only being there for the *fun* family moments, yet standing on the sidelines when she needs them the most. That they need to step up, or be prepared for perhaps her next attempt to be successful, and to be prepared knowing they did nothing to stop it (she has made off handed suicidal comments since).
So - what should I do in this situation? What I'm afraid of is leaving, having her do something, and feeling like I didn't do enough to prevent it..or for her to come down with something, or to meet the wrong person online...
BTW - she's getting the house, so I'm unable to force her out and with family.
my first thought when reading this is its not her families problem, its hers/yours. Why would they involve themselves in your relationship?
PS this promiscuous behavior probably went on when you thought it wasn't going on...divorce this woman ASAP, so she is no longer your problem! Stop making excuses for her bad behavior!
The problem is she may never clean her act up and get help. Do you really want to be dealing with this forever? You have informed her family, I think it's now their responsibility to check on her and push her towards getting the help she needs. As difficult as it may be you need to be free of this psychological manipulation.
Well...but I suspect the lost pregnancy is a large cause of it. She still cries and grieves about it, yet her family glosses over it and acts like its done and over with.
She was the type who always wanted a family, and when her sister became pregnant became very envious, and pretty much lives for her nephew. She lit up when she found out about it, ..then a week later was fighting for her life when it ruptured. She's down to only one tube now, and I know that bothers her..
I think her family needs some sense kicked into them, and honestly - to be called out on abandoning her. I think they need to be confronted with - this is real, they could be burying her if they don't step up and take it serious..
Plus an open email to all of them kind of puts more pressure on them to react, vs a private phone call individually..
I understand, and appreciate, your concern and compassion. After 9 years together, there is a lot of history there, and for the most part, it's not like most people can just flip a switch and turn their emotions off. However, I'm going to say that if her behavior continues, chances are you will get fed up with it. Eventually, when you are out on your own, doing what you want to do, living the life you want to live, you will probably find yourself relieved that she's not your problem anymore.
But you're not going to reach that point while you are still living in the same house. Move out, and take your stuff with you, even if you have to put it in storage, before you come home one day to find it all stolen by one of the guys she invites over. Also, her family has no incentive to come over or check up on her because they know you're there, cleaning up the crap just like you've been doing for a long time now.
FWIW, you have indeed done all you can to prevent a disaster: You remained together well beyond the point where being married to her started turning your life into one.
I am not sure how to say this next point and not sound really cold, but you need to tap into some anger over this. Angry people get stuff done, and you need to get your move and divorce done. Yes, yes, her depression is sad and more than a bit frightening, but dude, think of all of those years where she stood by in her health and let her family dump all over you. Think of how she took advantage of your kindness, how she tried to manipulate you at every turn, how she had no care or concern for your feelings when it came to her family's treatment of you, and so on. Now she wants to make her problems yours?
I completely understand that she's grieving about losing the baby, but emotionally blackmailing you isn't the solution. Have you both been to counseling? It takes 2 people to make a relationship work. If she has checked out then there's little you can do about it other than protect your sanity.
Funny how in some societies women can do as they please and men are expected to roll over like trained puppies. And in others, the woman would have been stoned or be-headed. I suppose the middle ground has been lost forever.
This 'general' response is not suited for this thread. My apology to the OP and others. I think I need to emotionally detox today. A beer with lunch is in order.
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