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I am having a hard time getting my boyfriend interested in having non-vanilla sex. This has never been an issue with past interests, and thus why I am reaching out to others for help. There are a lot of factors that could be going into this - I am only his second partner, he has ED, he is unemployed, and we are very stressed due to my new job and his job search. On the flip side, I am very fickle and have a hard time accepting his advances because I know that it's going to lead to a sequence of events - slow kiss here, light grab here, and the rest until sex in one of three positions.
Four months ago, I proposed us switching it up. Now that we have our own apartment, every nook and cranny is fair game. I have reminded him many times bluntly, saying "Hey, we now have curtains in the living room. You know what that means?" or "This table looks sturdy, you think?" I have sat him down and told him that I like to be thrown around - like literally. Flip me over, pull me down the bed, position me how you want, spank me. He doesn't do any of that except light spanking. A couple days ago, I decided to take a playful approach. I dressed up in lingerie and greeted him in the kitchen. He didn't bite.
I don't know what to do. He doesn't seem to understand that I am bored in bed - I've even cried after sex because I was so upset that he hyped it up to be nothing new. If I want to do something new, I have to be the one to initiate but part of what I like is the surprise factor of someone else surprising me.
What else can I do? Am I expecting too much?
Rip his clothes off and rape him. Maybe he'll get a clue.
Could be inexperience, could be his comfort level, could be his questioning his sexual orientation, could be his worry about ED so he needs to be quick, could also be just plain laziness and/or selfishness as he is getting his and doesn't care about yours. Talk, observe, and then decide. You're too young to live like this. I know how frustrating it is when you feel someone doesn't want to take care of you.
I knew it wouldn't be long till someone brought up that he might be gay.
Maybe he's depressed because he can't find a job and can't support his family. That is a big deal for a man's confidence and self esteem. Why don't you lay off and be a bit more supportive instead of complaining about wanting him to bang you around all the apartment. He ain't feeling too sexy right now.
Could also be that he doesn't like to throw, punch or smack women around in bed. Guess he ain't a REAL man!
Ironic, coming from someone with the name Crabman. I can just picture some poor guy hopping around trying to stay engaged while a crab is latched onto his toe.
But please, no flopping down onto any logs. Then you risk impalement, all right: With a rusty nail!
Take the 'Love Shack' motorhome to the beach, & park behind a sand dune...haha...
I knew it wouldn't be long till someone brought up that he might be gay.
Of course. Because as we all know, Not being wild in the sack=gay. Anyway, I'd go with what a previous poster said by just being straight up and direct with what you want. Beating around the bush (no pun intended) won't get you anywhere.
I didn't read the whole thread, but maybe you just need to try some different ideas. You didn't mention a bj, or trying porn before. However, him not having a job might explain a lot. Some guys just don't feel in the mood, if they have something like no job on his mind.
Where do I start? First, ED is NOT just an old man's syndrome. It may affect every man of every age at some point in his life. Young men, even teenagers, can be stricken with performance anxiety to the point it can cripple any ability to "rise to the occasion". Throw in factors like inexperience, depression, anxiety and yes, even pressure from an alternately crying and demanding female, and you may have a recipe for sexual disaster.
BTW, let's keep those stereotypes going, why don't we? Every man is a walking, talking erection who lives only to defile and fornicate women. He should always be up and ready at a moment's notice to service his female. Heaven forbid that a man may need, GASP, exactly what a woman needs to feel confident and comfortable in a sexual relationship, i.e. a loving, understanding partner who isn't going to go to pieces when their fantasy isn't fulfilled.
Men also want to feel unconditional love and emotional intimacy from their partners. They want to feel love and desired for themselves, not just their bedroom performance. Isn't that what women also want?
Seriously, what would the reaction on this forum be if the genders were reversed here? What if the OP was a man unhappy with his young, inexperienced partner because she was only comfortable with "vanilla sex"? What if she also was suffering from physical and psychological issues such as job loss, performance anxiety, depression, etc? I think it's likely people would be more understanding.
It might just be that there are no villains here. Maybe the young man in question is simply the type to enjoy so-called "vanilla sex". Not every man wants a porn star experience. If the OP desires that kind of experience, maybe she should end the relationship and look elsewhere. I think he needs an understanding partner more than he needs a porn star at this stage in his life.
Last edited by mandavaran; 08-30-2012 at 02:27 PM..
I knew it wouldn't be long till someone brought up that he might be gay.
Makes sense. I know any woman who doesn't want me must be gay.
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I can just picture some poor guy hopping around trying to stay engaged while a crab is latched onto his toe.
