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I think he probably loved her, even with the cheating.
In reading all of this, I am thinking that it could be you, OP, that may have the problem. While he is your grandfather I think that you may think he doesn't deserve those tears. Because he did what he did, he is not allowed to grieve.
You call him a hypocrite but you say he treated her well. Now I do not agree with cheating in the least. It is wrong. It does not mean that a person does not love their spouse.
Maybe you are hurt and grieving your grandmothers death and are taking misplaced anger out on your grandfather. No matter what, he is your grandfather, and he has lost the woman that he loved for 54 years.
You are basically saying he just doesn't deserve those tears. Why? Don't you love him? Don't you think he loved her....at all?
Sure, I think he is probably also harboring some guilt as well.
The truth is always disturbing to someone that is delusional.
You have stated that he cheated on his spouse as well as "he is a nice man". Your position is just as clear as is your lack of a working relationship with reality.
He is a cheater. By default - cheaters are liars, manipulators, decievers and users. They have to be in order to cheat and commit infidelity. Liars, manipulators, decievers and users are not nice people.
Check the foundation of your premises and you will find a logical flaw. A flaw and inconsistency that requires you to also lack a working relationship with reality to continue to adhere to. He is a cheater - and not a nice man. Your desire to have your cake and eat it too: claiming he is a nice man while also mentioning the cheating is an attempt to evade and avoid the reality of the situation.
It's disturbing because for the rest of the family he certainly isn't a liar and a manipulator. He's very loyal and won't let anyone down even when he's grumpy. I'm not avoiding any reality, I can just speak about what I see and the way he has acted with me.
I hope for your grandmother's sake that she didn't care about his affairs and managed to be happy despite of him. The worst would be if it hurt her and she felt that she had to accept his actions because of tradition and religion. It wouldn't make what he did any better but it's worse if she spent her life unhappy because of him. As for him...whatever. He made his choices and now he has to live with them.
Amazingly, he has given her some compliments sometimes since she died (something he would never do before). He keeps saying how a good mother she was.
And when she was alive you could see she truly loved him, which, to a certain extent, probably lessened her suffering. He used to bring her very expensive presents once in a while (probably if the affairs were too obvious).
Quote:
Originally Posted by kat949
I wonder if a part of his love for her was the fact that she was loyal, dedicated, and patient with him no matter how much he cheated on her.
It's like he got his urges fulfilled, and she didn't punish him for it.
I'm guessing here.
Sometimes hormones in other people are so high it's hard to fathom how they could be so horny but have their hearts set out on one person.
Something I won't understand, but maybe your grandma handled it differently, which came off as total acceptance and non-judgment of him and his character; hence, he loved her so much.
She literally gave love in an unconditional way. Maybe a part of his sadness is his guilt of knowing that the one person who did treat him well is no longer physically here. When she was he took her love for granted. So he saves as a spot at the table as a symbolic memory, keeping her spiritually alive in the present moment as though she never left. She nurtured him in such a way he can't let her go.
Staying single is never an option for these kind of selfish people. They want the benefits of marriage and the excitement of side action because they are selfish and lack empathy. Good for him that he is suffering now. What a jerk.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mooseketeer
Guilt hopefully. Sounds like a real treasure of a husband.... 54 years with a total bastard, what a prize in the lottery of life ! Or maybe the habit of living with someone for 54 years, you get used to having that presence of your spouse no matter how craply you treated her and abused her.
I simply do not accept that you cheat on someone you Love. That to me is incomprehensible.
If getting into other woman's pants is more important than the woman you are supposed to Love you do not Love her. If you do not care about the pain, misery, and hurt you will cause, the lack of self esteem and the destruction of your relationship to that one person you do not Love that person. If your needs always come first then you are not in Love. And you are scum IMO. Period.
If you cannot stay faithful to one person , a very simple solution availalbe to ALL is NOT to get married and NOT to make promises you have no intention of keeping. Yes even in those days. Plenty of single people even then.
Stay single and be the playboy you always wanted to be. Not a very hard concept to grasp even for men with their brains firmly tucked in their underpants. Sleep around like a Dog and do not abuse your wife ( cheating is spousal psychological abuse unless you are in an open marriage).
My grandparents were married for 54 years. For decades my grandfather had a revolving door of mistresses. He always had an eye for pretty women and wouldn't let the best ones escape (he was extremely good looking when he was younger and up to his 50s). He was a very hard worker, very responsible when it came to the children (even though he was mostly absent) and never mistreated my grandmother. She was in charge at home and he complied. Her word was law.
My grandmother always knew but stayed in her position as a faithful and dedicated wife and mother. She didn't work and was completely dependent on him. She was also very religious and came from an ultraconservative family, so there was no choice but to keep the marriage.
Even as kid I remember sometimes seeing my grandfather in the car with much younger women.
She died just over a year ago from breast cancer. The other day I noticed that my grandfather, always a very arrogant, masculine, full of himself type of guy, now has a picture of her on his desk in the studio. He still doesn't allow anyone to sit in her place at the table.
At her funeral, I couldn't believe when I saw him washed in tears, totally devastated. I mean, this sounds cruel, but now he can have all the women he wants (sure he's old but he has the money). Why be such an hipocrite in the end?
Seems like you should ask your grandfather.. not us.
Obviously he loved her..
Guilt hopefully. Sounds like a real treasure of a husband.... 54 years with a total bastard, what a prize in the lottery of life ! Or maybe the habit of living with someone for 54 years, you get used to having that presence of your spouse no matter how craply you treated her and abused her.
I simply do not accept that you cheat on someone you Love. That to me is incomprehensible.
I think he thought he was a good husband in his own way. My grandmother and the children never had to worry about money, they would go on holiday to her favourite places, like I said he hired housekeepers because he didn't want her to do house chores, there were no restrictions to the amount of things she could buy, the kids went to very good schools, etc. Back then standards were rather different, not that I'm saying that is an excuse.
1. Basically men are stupid. We gain some wisdom with age.
2. We don't appreciate a good woman when she is in our life.
3. Your GM tolerated his cheating which allowed it to continue.
I hope you'll forgive him and just remember the good that he is.
People love each other no matter what they do sometimes...I have seen woman and men who had been divorced for years break down and sob when they hear of the death of their X.....The cheater may have taken his pleasure else where...and had sex with other people- that does not mean he did not love his wife...People who cheat are not looking for love-they are looking for entertainment...for sex...
Sounds like someone wants to punish this "cheater" who's spouse passed away- I would say he has been punished enough.
Seems like you should ask your grandfather.. not us.
Obviously he loved her..
I would never ask my grandfather that kind of question.
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