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My boyfriend and I have known each other for 10 years and have dated for 2 years. This year our relationship became more serious and we even started talking marriage. But that seems to be the problem, I think my boyfriend is all talk. He says he wants to settle down but I see no signs of it. We go out often and he tells me he loves me. He is very generous always giving me gifts but I just want more. He has met my family but I have not met his family. My family likes him. I don't understand why he has not introduced me to his family. When I ask him about it he says give him time.But how much time does he need.I don't want to waste time with somebody who is not on the same page with me. I have my own house and he just bought a house which led to another discussion because I told him we should be buying a house together. Now my house I had before we became serious but he just closed on his house last week. I see that as a sign that he wants to do his own thing. He says he wants to have his house to rent out for income but I don't see it like that. He is 37 and I am 36,we are not getting any younger. So my question is should I bring up the subject again and give him an ultimatum. Either we are together as in marriage or I am gone.
If you want to give him an ultimatum, go ahead but I still don't understand why women are so obsessed with the marriage thing. I know, it has a lot to do with our culture which feeds all this BS about marriage meaning security, eternal happiness, etc but nothing could be further from the truth.
More than 50% of marriages end up in divorce, vast majority of married couples have such boring, pathetic lives, some don't even sleep together anymore or even have sex on a regular basis, WONDERFUL isn't it?
I get really turned off when I see a woman who wants to rush marriage, it just makes me think that she is very insecure.
Sure, you can give him an ultimatum. I think your reasons are very good. But know these:
1. Be prepared to be turned down. If that happens, you must walk away (or do whatever you threatened to do), or you will have no credibility.
2. "Marry me or else!" "Oh, all right." Is that the proposal you really want?
I don't mean in any way to sound harsh but my take is that, after all this time of knowing each other and two years of dating, your problem is basic lack of communication. I'm not in favor of issuing ultimatums but maybe you should really sit down for a serious chat and listen to each other. Good luck!
I agree with all of your comments. I just need to walk away if the relationship is not going where I want it to go. I guess I just needed to hear it from others. Whenever I try to talk to my friends about it they are never any help.
I don't mean in any way to sound harsh but my take is that, after all this time of knowing each other and two years of dating, your problem is basic lack of communication. I'm not in favor of issuing ultimatums but maybe you should really sit down for a serious chat and listen to each other. Good luck!
As always, good, sound advice.
I might also add that you may already know deep down what you want to do.
There was a woman on a dating website, very nice looking, she was a business owner, seemed very smart and independent, I even thought about contacting her until I read the very last sentence "Looking to get married in the next 6 months"
There are two sides to this: Yours and your boyfriend's.
Sadly, it's not a cut-and-dried situation because neither is entirely right OR entirely wrong.
From your side, based on what you're saying in your post (which is all I have to go on) your assessment sounds correct inasmuch as him wanting to "do his own thing" on some level. Further, you're correct that it seems kind of separate from a planned future together.
Then there's a male side of things. I can't speak for ALL males out there but I can say certain things with some modicum of confidence.
As a male, marriage is a HUGE step, much larger and sady, much more dangerous than it used to be.
What your boyfriend wants FOR HIMSELF is the psychological aspect of security, knowing he's capable of accomplishing certain things on his own, knowing he's capable of taking care of himself in all the "grown-up" ways such as a house HIS way, furniture HIS way. Granted he's 37, but buying a home is a huge milestone in an adult's life and these days MANY people are only doing this later in life.
Once he's more secure about himself with this home, he'll be more amenable to the prospect of marriage.
While you may be telling yourself that's all fine but you need to plan your joint future IF it's to exist, ask yourself -- what happens to your boyfriend IF you all get married and it fails?
People talk about joint properties and mutual stuff all the time, but if a marriage fails, do you have the other party's best interests at heart or your own?
Don't just think "Oh, that's negative, like setting it up to fail." Nobody but NOBODY gets married PLANNING for it to fail. Everyone thinks on their wedding day "THis is it, this is forever." Fifty percent of the marriages (or FORMER marriages) out there would disagree.
"I'm not that way; if it ended, we could be amicable."
I've known a lot of people who thought such things; I've also known a lot of men and women who were surprised at their ex's animosity when it came time for all that amicability, especially if children were involved.
Your boyfriend probably wants to know he has something to fall back on IF things go wrong -- nor do I blame him. I wish I'd had that kind of foresight, as do hundreds of thousands of other men either fearing, experiencing or having experienced divorce.
BUT before you read too much into it and convince yourself he PLANS on divorce or on this not working out, stop and consider that the more secure he feels about his situation the more likely he is to not jump and run at the first bump in the road. It often works contrary to logic; we would think that the more secure someone was the more likely they might leave knowing it was no big deal. Actually, the more secure they are with a situation the more secure they tend to be with themselves and therefore the more willing they are to seem realistic compromise.
On that proverbial other hand, I don't know your boyfriend, so I'm guessing here based on what I know of men.
And back to the first hand, neither of you is exactly a spring chicken anymore. If this isn't going the way you want or think it should, then you should consider an ultimatum -- but not without carefully considering and/or talking to him about it.
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