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the drug use doesn't seem to be the lasting impression here, get over the "drugs are bad kids" train of thought. the fact she has given into pressure and circumstance is. the OP's paranoia is in all likelihood caused by realizing she may have some difficulty making the best choices if the stress of a situation presents itself in specific ways. its a self realization that the person he thought he knew so well may in fact be someone else to (and around) others.
anyhow, unless OP ever comes back no ones will know how deep down the rabbit hole having the knowledge of her past behavior as really affected his mindset towards her.
the drug use doesn't seem to be the lasting impression here, get over the "drugs are bad kids" train of thought. the fact she has given into pressure and circumstance is. the OP's paranoia is in all likelihood caused by realizing she may have some difficulty making the best choices if the stress of a situation presents itself in specific ways. its a self realization that the person he thought he knew so well may in fact be someone else to (and around) others.
anyhow, unless OP ever comes back no ones will know how deep down the rabbit hole having the knowledge of her past behavior as really affected his mindset towards her.
Who hasn't given into peer pressure in their lives? This whole world needs therapy on that train of thought, even the therapists need therapy
While I still think the wife may be downplaying her use, the OP's reaction (as described in the wife's letter) is over the top. Sounds like he's having occasional flip outs, sleeping in the other room? WTH?
OP, based on what we've read, you need to either have a final confrontation where you clearly communicate that you don't believe her and deal with the consequences, or you need to decide to accept her response, believe her, and GET OVER IT. You aren't being fair. Either you believe her or you don't. If you need help getting over it, get some.
lets see we have "family secrets" looming overhead as a threat, drug use, lying, a failure to come to an understanding, and deep seated worry
its pretty obvious given the OP worry that there is need for counseling by a third party of some kind if they want to work the issue out. instead he is posting on a anonymous forum about the troubles he has dealing with things he came to know about the person he thought he had figured out.
not really solving much, is it.
its not that everyone needs to go to counseling for everything. its the fact there is still hang up here despite him attempting to work things out with his wife. he now doubts her because of it, not a healthy way to be.
or you can just ignore it all and pretend like nothing ever happened and live in ignorant bliss of your circumstance after failing to work through it on your own. not sure where the stigma comes from for counseling from folks who have obvious issues they cannot work through on their own.
I disagree with you. From my experience, and based on information given in this thread, it hardly sounds like there is any sort of drug addiction, underlying issues causing drug use or any sort of need for intervention or involving a third party. I have known drug users, and have experimented with a few when I was young, and experimental use such as getting a numby is hardly considered trouble some. Most people have been exposed to it by the time they reach adulthood.
I think what OP needs to do, is drug test her, sit her down and have a heart to heart. Say "Baby, you made a misstep and its ok, we are all human and make mistakes. By my reaction, you see that Im not OK with it, and in order for our marriage to work we need to stay away from all drugs and be honest and upfront about things like this". After having this conversation, OP needs to show his wife that he has moved on and things are back to normal. He is the one that has to come to terms with a mistake his wife made, and that it really isnt the end of the world. If the OP continues to freak out about it and show inconsistency of hcaracter around his wife, this could really break up a marriage while IMO it is not that hard to work out.
the OP's paranoia is in all likelihood caused by realizing she may have some difficulty making the best choices if the stress of a situation presents itself in specific ways. its a self realization that the person he thought he knew so well may in fact be someone else to (and around) others.
IMHO it's this. 100x this.
We all probably have a personality characteristic that might come out only in the company of certain others, but I tend to believe that most of these characteristics are ultimately innocuous. But when that "characteristic" is basically a willingness to dip into drug use, and especially when the "others" in company are addicts, there is the potential for a real bad downside.
I don't envy the OP. I'm sure he wants to trust that his wife is telling the truth and put her digression in proper perspective.
However I can so so identify with how horrible a feeling it is to think your spouse of 15 years might be someone else around others.
Well....Here was her response a few days ago. I've been keeping the upset to myself because she did admit the use and apologize, but didn't really acknowledge why I was upset. We've discussed and I am trying to act as if everything is fine, but I admit I'm still hurt and shocked. She's correct in that I've been irrational but I think this is serious stuff. I've never been so confused and I agree with several posters who say there's much more in life to worry about. Here's what she wrote to me:
"I am really confused. I have really tried to understand your perspective and apologize, but you seem to be getting more freaked out, not less. One minute you are angry, the next you hug me, the next you are angry, the next you leave me a nice voicemail and write kind letter below about the "blip" in our relationship. Then you are mad again, acting outrageously strange, avoiding me by going around the house after leaving to "drive" when you knew I was planning to drop XXX off, sleeping in guest room.
What I did in college was real experimentation. What I have done since knowing you was barely more than looking; I am changed and do not want to partake as an adult. By touching something I should not have, I honestly did not think it was worth reporting or discussing because of the repercussions of an act that was so seemingly minor and had no affect on me (other than psychologically to confirm I hate the stuff), you or our family. If I ever made a bad choice that did affect you or the kids in any way (eg stripper, cheating, etc), I would own up because I do not like living without integrity and honesty in a relationship. I tell you everything....perhaps even some things I should not.....but I do and always have and I thought you knew me better than to think I would withhold a big secret if I thought there was one.
I do understand that you feel I was not honest. Please accept my apology. My intention was never to hide information nor betray you; it was something so stupid it was not worth bringing up in my mind to interfere with our relationship since I know your conservative views on the subject and dislike for my sister in the first place.
I am starting to wonder whether you will ever be able to move on. I have never seen you so wigged out and strange and it is really scaring me. I am not sure I know who you are, despite 15 years together. You are unpredictable and volatile and I am not sure what to do. Please tell me what is going on and why your persona is changing unexpectedly every time I think we might be moving on."
You need to consider what your wife of 15 years is saying here. She sounds very articulate and forthcoming. If there is any truth here in what she says about your behavior, you are going to wreck your marriage. And for what? Some college experimentation 20 years ago? A couple of dips over the course of 10 years?
Really?
I don't know about cocaine, but the more this thread unfolds, the more I'm inclined to say that being married to you would drive me to drink!
I think the question here is if she reported all of her past use, which is giving the OP some doubts. To alleviate these doubts, I think the OP should relay his loss of trust to his wife and ask her to agree to a drug test that will indicate past use. He will then know whether she can gain back his trust. A refusal by her will be as telling.
Of course 2X on the gums is not a big deal. However, some posters may think the wife could be lying/withholding info. Some are skeptical that she has only done coke twice and has only done a numby and did not snort. While others give the wife the benefit of the doubt and think the OP is distrustful, unforgiving, or sheltered. We don't really have enough evidence here to know the whole story. It is a trust and communication issue the couple needs to resolve.
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