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Definitely, he needs to be loving, supportive, and civilized about it. They need to work this out together. But they do need to completely address it and not sweep it under the table.
I have had friends who experimented with no consequence and are leading successful lives. And I have another friend who is an addict. It is heartbreaking. She was once a beautiful jetsetting woman who traveled the world with an MBA degree and a great executive career. She now can't leave the house as she can't function in society. She finally kicked coke and now is on a steady stream of prescription drugs and scotch.
She is 40, but looks like a 65 year old with her wrinkles and sagging face and bad skin. She slurs when she speaks and has glossy eyes and sometimes doesn't bathe. She has had liver and pancreas surgery due to alcohol/drug abuse which has made her a diabetic. I worry that she doesn't have long to live. Her spouse is the CEO of Fortune 500 company so they have plenty of money to support her habit. I basically spent the last 20 years watching a close friend destroy herself. I tried interventions, but her husband completely ignored the issue - that is what I do NOT want for the OP if it becomes something more serious.
Messed up my uncle's life, I had a friend in the hospital for a heart attack.. at 21 years old! and have seen plenty of other people significantly hurt their lives due to drugs.
I just hope the OP doesn't go all nerd on his wife and freak out on her. That would make the situation terrible.
Messed up my uncle's life, I had a friend in the hospital for a heart attack.. at 21 years old! and have seen plenty of other people significantly hurt their lives due to drugs.
I just hope the OP doesn't go all nerd on his wife and freak out on her. That would make the situation terrible.
Yeah, he needs to be cool about it so she'll feel comfortable opening up. But part of her story seems unbelievable though - that she did coke before they dated and then a few times since they've been married, but she never snorted. That is like Bill Clinton saying "I didn't inhale."
And the part about her not liking it. How can one not like something whose sole purpose is to give you euphoria and elation? It would be more honest if she said she loved it, which is why she needs to avoid it. Also, this whole bit about apples causing her lower gum disease is weird.
Maybe she is just covering up because the OP is a bit of a sheltered prude (nothing wrong with that OP!) and she fears his judgment. Who knows... I can't quite sort it out from the information given.
The gum issue may be a blind alley (or should I say "snow" blind alley)
Her gums and teeth are healthy with the exception of the few lower front but you could not tell by looking. It is as if she brushed too hard and the gums receded a bit.
I am Intensely curious to question her further but she said she's tired of talking about it
Wow...well I have a very different opinion than most people here.
She is a mother of two elementary school kids. We have 4 children and I can tell you with absolute certainty if my husband ever came home and said he was hanging out with users and touched the stuff, I'd kick his ass to the curb so fast he wouldn't know how he got there.
Wow...well I have a very different opinion than most people here.
She is a mother of two elementary school kids. We have 4 children and I can tell you with absolute certainty if my husband ever came home and said he was hanging out with users and touched the stuff, I'd kick his ass to the curb so fast he wouldn't know how he got there.
I think this might be a bit harsh. However, if the use continues now that it has been revealed, then this action might be appropriate. I imagine you must be extremely hurt and shocked. I would be if I were in your shoes. You mentioned that you knew about her experimentation but you thought that stopped in college. I know she mentioned that she felt you'd be judgmental, so she did not disclose to you, but this is still a betrayal. I understand her perspective, but this is a big secret. I hope that she can at least validate why you feel hurt and betrayed.
It is promising that she told you about her use. I'm not sure I believe her when she says that she only touched the substance (kinda like Bill Clinton saying that he smoked pot but never inhaled).
I would think you might want to know more of the details of her use, but this could be opening a Pandora's Box. Are you really ready to hear all the details, all the truth? You seem to perseverate and be cautious about being too intense because you said that she is tired of talking about it. You don't want betray her trust through chronic, obsessive questioning. In the end, the future is most important, not the past. So my conclusive advice to you is lay low for a bit but keep the communication lines open. Most importantly, BE COOL!
This isnt even a problem. So the wife did cocaine two times in 10 years, BIG DEAL! It almost seems you have no problems so you are blowing this way out of proportion to create one!
1. At 42 years, why was she "peer pressured" by her sister as little as five months ago to use? Of course, she seems to feel badly about this lapse in judgment and has vowed to never do it again.
2. What is the best course of action going forward?
3. What is the best way to get over the feelings of being hurt and betrayed and how can you regain trust?
Well....Here was her response a few days ago. I've been keeping the upset to myself because she did admit the use and apologize, but didn't really acknowledge why I was upset. We've discussed and I am trying to act as if everything is fine, but I admit I'm still hurt and shocked. She's correct in that I've been irrational but I think this is serious stuff. I've never been so confused and I agree with several posters who say there's much more in life to worry about. Here's what she wrote to me:
"I am really confused. I have really tried to understand your perspective and apologize, but you seem to be getting more freaked out, not less. One minute you are angry, the next you hug me, the next you are angry, the next you leave me a nice voicemail and write kind letter below about the "blip" in our relationship. Then you are mad again, acting outrageously strange, avoiding me by going around the house after leaving to "drive" when you knew I was planning to drop XXX off, sleeping in guest room.
What I did in college was real experimentation. What I have done since knowing you was barely more than looking; I am changed and do not want to partake as an adult. By touching something I should not have, I honestly did not think it was worth reporting or discussing because of the repercussions of an act that was so seemingly minor and had no affect on me (other than psychologically to confirm I hate the stuff), you or our family. If I ever made a bad choice that did affect you or the kids in any way (eg stripper, cheating, etc), I would own up because I do not like living without integrity and honesty in a relationship. I tell you everything....perhaps even some things I should not.....but I do and always have and I thought you knew me better than to think I would withhold a big secret if I thought there was one.
I do understand that you feel I was not honest. Please accept my apology. My intention was never to hide information nor betray you; it was something so stupid it was not worth bringing up in my mind to interfere with our relationship since I know your conservative views on the subject and dislike for my sister in the first place.
I am starting to wonder whether you will ever be able to move on. I have never seen you so wigged out and strange and it is really scaring me. I am not sure I know who you are, despite 15 years together. You are unpredictable and volatile and I am not sure what to do. Please tell me what is going on and why your persona is changing unexpectedly every time I think we might be moving on."
From the letter, the OP sounds a little mentally unstable. I'd be concerned if I were the OP and I'd be a little upset. But people who have drug addicions always have some sort of major underlying emotional problem. I don't think the wife does. A lot of people can try hard drugs and they don't really like them. I think she was in a bad enviromnent and getting tempted many times and made a couple mistakes. I don't see her becoming a regular user. I think the OP should relax and come up with some ideas with his wife on how to keep her out of those types of situations.
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