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It might sound like I’m making excuses but I feel sick to my stomach whenever he’s mad at me. I have always felt that way. I have apologised for things I didn’t think I was wrong for, just to keep the peace. My dad was a verbally and often physically abusive man and I have always been taught to keep my mouth shut. Again I am not making excuses, I’m not 13 anymore, but it’s a hard habit to shake. When he gets mad with me he gives me the silent treatment, sometimes for days. I can’t handle it. I can’t begin to imagine what he’d be like if I broke it off.
I suppose the difference is that I actually care about the guy. Yes my confidence has decreased since being with him and I blame him sometimes, but I do care for him. He’s been good to my family and me in a lot of other ways, including my mom’s battle with depression.
Because he has a sexually adventurous wife 17 yrs. his junior.
That he doesn't want to have sex with? I don't think that's the reason.
Quote:
Originally Posted by augiedogie
srjth: Why does he stay? Its simple, he wants a companion, maybe someone to cook or do other chores for him. Best as I can tell, I have a bil and fil that are like this. Not much interested in sex at all. Hunting and fishing, sports, work business etc yes, sex? NO.
Yeah, I can see that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pena
His pornography collection is the biggest I’ve ever seen. A whole closet full of magazines, books, dvds and a whole folder dedicated to it on our computer. He also keeps photos and videos on his phone (NO I have never snooped. Many many years ago he got drunk and showed me one night)
Pornography is a voyeuristic activity and causes watchers to NOT want to have sex with their partner.
My guess is that you stay because of your own insecurity and his money.
If this is what you think of women, we'd appreciate it if you would stay out of the dating pool.
You are not a walking wallet unless: 1) it's your only asset; or 2) it's the way you look at the world.
Either way, you don't know much about women.
Funny, mostly men who make no money feel that way.
Most women make their own money, they know how to live within their means, and like men for companionship and sex.
I have been with my fella for nearly a decade. We get along great and love each other very much, however we have never had much of a sex life.
I am a very sexual person but he almost tries to make me feel ashamed about it rather than encourage me. He will make remarks if I'm wearing something that he thinks is too revealing and makes fun of my tummy, which is a little flabby.
I enjoy being with him but I miss sex and have no desire for it with him. He doesn't make me feel wanted physically in any way. I am not attracted to him. I am not sure I ever have been. I enjoy companionship and I have a tendancy to be dependant on others for my happiness. I know how unfair that is on all parties.
That's not to say I haven't tried - the last time I tried to kiss him passionately he pulled away and laughed like I was being silly.
He is my best friend and I'm scared to lose him, but I can't go on like this. Every year I promise myself THIS will be THE YEAR I end it, but it never happens. My 20’s are already gone and I am 31 now. I don’t want to wake up at 50 one day and realise I’ve wasted my life on a passionless relationship.
Please help.
That is exactly what will happen. You'd be amazed how fast the years go by the older you get. You are in a loveless/sexless relationship, a relationship for companionship only. The 20's and 30's are some of the best years of your life and yours are slipping away. You won't die if you do not have a guy in your life for a little while until someone else comes along. It would be good for you to live on your own for awhile. Get out of this relationship and start you life finally.
OP's in general might get better, more helpful responses if they put ALL the relevant information. Like what?
1. A large age difference. Seeing as the man is about 50, ED could be a factor in relationship problems.
2. A large porn collection. This is a red flag to someone who has "issues"
3. She makes more than he does. Some guys can't handle this too well. They find it emasculating. Plus, even if this is the case, a woman might still be insecure without a man, someone to lean on, or just someone there so she's not alone at night.
4. Overweight is a very ambiguous term. Are we talking 20 lbs. over his ideal weight, obese, morbidly obese, so fat he can't walk. If he's obese, its another indication that he could have serious personality issues.
you're quite clearly afraid to leave him. even 9 months ago you came right out and said you didn't love him, yet you're still in the exact same position
i don't really think it's that important to figure out why you're so afraid. that's nice to know, but it's more important to overcome your fear and leave him. read your own posts from a 3rd party perspective. it's very, very obvious
you could, at this very moment, do yourself a great service by breaking up with him. right now. possibly a service for him too. it's very unhealthy for you both to be together. maybe it would shake him out of his unhealthy state
any further posts by you are just your fear. there is no need for more discussion in your situation. you can discuss things with your friends, your therapist, strangers on the internet, whoever... after you break up
[for those who haven't clicked back, she's 30 he's 50, he's obese, wastes his sex drive on porn, gives her the silent treatment for days at at time, etc]
It might sound like I’m making excuses but I feel sick to my stomach whenever he’s mad at me. I have always felt that way. I have apologised for things I didn’t think I was wrong for, just to keep the peace. My dad was a verbally and often physically abusive man and I have always been taught to keep my mouth shut. Again I am not making excuses, I’m not 13 anymore, but it’s a hard habit to shake. When he gets mad with me he gives me the silent treatment, sometimes for days. I can’t handle it. I can’t begin to imagine what he’d be like if I broke it off.
At least you can imagine it and not live through it, so the go and get some therapy if needed.
Are you staying to "keep the peace?" He's going to be mad and upset if you leave now or leave 2 years from now.
I know it easy for someone else to tell you to leave, but there are those of us that are that are living very similarly to you, just with different issues. It's never easy and it has to be done on your time.
You know, sometimes we just take what is easy and go with that. It is not particularly good for us, but we cannot be bothered to get out there and try something new. There is often a left-over from parents issue which still has to be worked through. Thats why men marry someone like their mother and women marry someone like their father. Once they have grown out of it, then they are better off and can stand on their own 2 feet not needing mother/father figures any longer. I see a lot of my mother in my wife :-) Scary really!
Also, sometimes things have just come to a natural conclusion and it is time to move on. If we are nervous and dont have much confidence, it can get prolonged for too long. Sometimes too, the Universe gives us pointers but we are too thick-skinned and insensitive to notice the direction we are being pushed in. Dont worry, in 18 months time, you will not know yourself because your life has changed so much from what is happening now.
You have to firmly believe that there is someone great waiting out there for you both and so by making the first move, you are doing both of you a good favour. It may not seem like it at first, but you need to make that initial jump when you know things are not right. Each day that goes by, you are wasting time and eventually the issue will be forced. The Universe presents us with different opportunities for change and it will not get easier if we leave it longer.
I always think of it this way, we are together to learn something from each other and when our lessons are over, we need to find another teacher who can take us both to the next level. Like school and university, if we stop learning it becomes easy, we get lazy and then we get bored. Eventually we start losing respect for the other person and then things start to go downhill because we have not done what we should have done.
This post is not a criticism in any way but just something to think about, thats all. Good luck.
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