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Because all sorts of people get cheated on. Attractive ones/ugly ones, Rich people poor people, people who are very clingy to their partner/people who are distant etc.
So my question is do you think there is any type of effective deterrent to cheating?
Open communication about each partner's physical and emotional needs, whether those needs are being met, and if they are not, what the other partner can and is willing to do to help meet them. People are not mind-readers: If your needs are not being met, it is up to you to talk to your partner about them. Likewise, if your partner comes to you and expresses unhappiness or dissatisfaction, it is up to you to try to work with him or her and see if you can work it out.
What is not acceptable is not expressing dissatisfaction in a clear, calm, loving way and instead hiding it or just expecting your partner to know what you need or want, and then using that as an excuse to cat around. What is also not acceptable is treating your partner's needs cavalierly. If your partner is unhappy, love requires that you consider his or her needs and do what you can to accommodate them. (Within reason. If you're monogamous and your partner wants a threesome, or you find certain acts to be painful or unbearable, I don't feel you should compromise your values or your well-being to make someone else happy.)
However, ultimately, it comes down to the person who is unhappy. Integrity demands that if one is unhappy and all efforts to try to work things out have failed, one leaves the relationship or marriage. In the end, the cheater chooses to cheat, and the act of cheating is the sole responsibility of the one who does it.
Also, creating an atmosphere where it is fun and comfortable to talk about being attracted to other people, being tempted to cheat, having other people come on to you, flirting, etc. All of these things happen in a LTR, and not being able to talk about them raises the pressure 100-fold.
I also check in with partners periodically (like, once every few years) about whether we still both want monogamy. Keeping poly on the table as an option helps, I think. I want to be sure that monogamy is both of our preferred choice, and not something anybody feels they have to agree to.
Those people probably had it in them to cheat but the opportunity just didn't show up or they were probably lying to themselves then they said ''I would never cheat'' years ago.
I want to say for sure that cheating would be one of the most horrible way I can ever hurt a man. I'm not willing to hurt someone like that. At this moment, I will say I hate cheaters.
The phrase I absolutely detest is ''One thing led to another and we end up having sex''. Yeah right. You can always stop where you are and choose not to do it. You make it happen, things don't just lead to by themselves. If a man ever cheats on me or craps over me, I'd rather him say ''I made a bad choice'' than use that phrase. I'll dump him either way but at least he's saying he did it and not calling his action a mistake that just happened.
I think the worst thing a person can do is be judgmental. You take the bitter pill of hate and it consumes you. Yes there are terrible things that humans do. But my life experience has taught me you never know where you might find yourself.
I think ALL people have it in them to be bad or good. People make mistakes, have had luck, been unhappy. I chose to understand and have hope they can change and become better.
I think ALL people have it in them to be bad or good. People make mistakes, have had luck, been unhappy. I chose to understand and have hope they can change and become better.
I understand that but how can a mistake be the same bad decision you're making more than once?
Let's say someone gets drunk, cheats for one night and is disgusted that next day. Though it's still a bad choose, it might be classified as ''mistake'' though we all know it really isn't (you still have to choice not to get that drunk to begin with nor put yourself in a terrible position).
But having a long-term affair is definitely not a ''one time mistake''.
I understand that but how can a mistake be the same bad decision you're making more than once?
Let's say someone gets drunk, cheats for one night and is disgusted that next day. Though it's still a bad choose, it might be classified as ''mistake'' though we all know it really isn't (you still have to choice not to get that drunk to begin with nor put yourself in a terrible position).
But having a long-term affair is definitely not a ''one time mistake''.
I'm not excusing cheating or saying that it is a simple mistake. Unless you are a chronic cheater, there are usually things that can weaken you if you are placed in that situation. Things to watch for.
I used to think that cheating was black and white. Not that I'm excusing it- I just understand the whys and gray side of everything.
Deterrent? I don't cheat because I have high moral values, which I don't. I don't cheat because I love my partner, which i do. I don't cheat because I am afraid of STDs. I've had most of them.
The main reason I don't cheat is that I am physically and emotionally satisfied with the sexual part of our relationship and can't imagine any woman who could satisfy as much as she does.
Yeah, that didn't work with the last three women I gotten involved with.
I agree; non-monogamy
Quote:
Originally Posted by BradPiff
Halle berry got cheated on, and tiger woods wife is a supermodel and he cheated on her with women who werent close to her level. It's not about looks, rarely when a guy cheats he's upgrading
Heh. I was having this conversation with a male just today. He was talking about how much he loved (and liked) his wife, but once he was in pain and had an affair even though he didn't actually care about the mistress. He said he knew I couldn't understand because I was a woman, but that it was just about sex and numbing his pain, nothing about emotion for the girl. He said the best sex was still with his wife because he actually cared about her.
I'm not sure I get it still, but it's not the first time I've heard men say it's perfectly possible for them to have sex with people they don't feel that much for and that it means nothing to them really.
Heh. I was having this conversation with a male just today. He was talking about how much he loved (and liked) his wife, but once he was in pain and had an affair even though he didn't actually care about the mistress. He said he knew I couldn't understand because I was a woman, but that it was just about sex and numbing his pain, nothing about emotion for the girl. He said the best sex was still with his wife because he actually cared about her.
I'm not sure I get it still, but it's not the first time I've heard men say it's perfectly possible for them to have sex with people they don't feel that much for and that it means nothing to them really.
Many men are raised to think that the only acceptable way for them to have emotional support and the solace of cuddling and touch is with a female sexual partner. It's terribly sad. It's one of the worst ways sexism affects men, IMO.
So we could add that to the list: Make sure both people have lots of support outside the marriage. Without having to involve sex in that .
Unrelated, but prompted by another post: Don't date liars. Partner selection is a big part of avoiding cheating like other relationship problems. Someone who finds it more emotionally comfortable to lie than to discuss an uncomfortable topic openly is not going to tell you when they are tempted to have an affair.
I agree. If you are with someone who values honesty, trust, and communication - you won't have to "deter" them from cheating. There are no guarantees in life and love - but this is a start.
People want CONTROL, Dew.
This is something that none of us can have, though.
We have to work on relationships with other people.
And, unfortunately? Lots of people don't wanna do that.
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Sometimes things just happen. And you hear so many times people thought they would never cheat. I think cheating can often be the result of timing, opportunity, and unhappiness in the current relationship.
If anything, I think the best deterrent is to make sure you are happy by investing in yourself (so you are personally whole) and to not let a deteriorating relationship go on without addressing the issues before it is too late. If you are whole, and not putting your head in the sand you will be strong if there is a temptation or opportunity.
Of course there are people who like the thrill of an affair and the comfort of a committed relationship at the same time. So for them- no.
I think that last group are more of a minority that folks would like to think.
After all, it's easier to demonize people and put us all into buckets. "Cheaters" in one bucket, and "nice people" in another bucket.
But, that just isn't the way of things.
There are just as many reasons people might wind up straying as there are people in the world to potentially stray.
We do not know other people's circumstances.
That said, it's easier to gripe about being lied to after the fact than to face your problems head on and hopefully avoid any problems that might lead either member of a couple to seek out affection/attention elsewhere.
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