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And as usual in the amount of time it took me to ascend my soapbox, deliver my oration and then climb down from on high - a whole slew of people made the same exact points in a much more condensed manner
And as usual in the amount of time it took me to ascend my soapbox, deliver my oration and then climb down from on high - a whole slew of people made the same exact points in a much more condensed manner
That's all right. This thread should pretty much end with your post and I hope the OP takes your advice.
First and foremost - he's taking an online MBA. A good portion of the value to an MBA is networking, working in groups, building relationships, etc. Being in an online structure diminishes that value greatly. The fact that he has a week long orientation with the people he must build a relationship with is huge to his success and value within this program.
You made a comment about him being there to study and not party - study what? It's an orientation and a week long. His task for this orientation is to get familiar with the people and resources at the home institution and start to network with the facualty, people from the school and his peers in the program. You riding him for staying out to late or not hitting certain call in points, etc does nothing to help him accomplish his goals and is frankly selfish, immature and insecure.
You say he travels on business, doesn't make a habit of staying out late, etc. That shows that he has enough discretion to not go nuts just because he's out of the house. Respect the circumstances that he's under and that he has a very narrow time frame to make a very important impact to his success in the program. He's in a culture that is orientated towards the night and he's a guest who has to abide by the local culture and not force his own norms onto others.
If he went in with the attitude that we need to wrap up the night by 10 so I can call my wife at 10:30 and be asleep by 11:30 and if you guys have a different agenda then just count me out - he would fail. He would fail miserably.
Also keep in mind the difference in what going out means in different cultures. You say he's at pubs/bars. These are social venues where he can have conversations and discussions with his peers. These aren't disco halls packed with young tempations and wild partiers. They aren't even necessarily teeming with drunks and wild partiers. They're frequently neighborhood meeting spots where you can get a snack and drink with a spot to chat with those in your group. He needs this to build relationships with those who will impact his success. He can get to know them better, learn about them, etc. It's an orientation, let him get oriented. He may not even relish staying out that late, but when in Rome................
In my business travels I've been in many places/spaces I would rather not be because those in an influental position wanted me there. It's part of the business world. Many times you need to suck it up and go with the group so you can benefit from the relationships of the group and put on your game face. I don't like the networking, small talk receptions - but I'll suck it up and shine for the 4-5X a year I have to do it. There are nights where I think I may just have dinner and then an early night and make my plans around that. Then at dinner your boss, or someone from HQ or an important client goes "hey, I really appreciate you making it out here - I'm buddies/clients with the owner of XYZ Bar/Restaurant/Club and I think it would be a cool place for you to check out. I'll give them a call, I know they'd love to meet you as well." .......... Since it's important to them, it becomes important to me and my job so away we go. Nothing inappropriate happens as far as me being mid-30s and married as far as conduct going out. However, the night gets going later than I hoped and it messes up my individual plans and often leads to a "sorry about that" call with my wife - who is understanding.
She's also understanding if I just want to go out and check out a place - I just tell her before hand that's what I'm planning on doing
I really see no misconduct on this trip given what it is and you stated he has a history of early evenings when travelling.
So it sounds like a fabricated issue that leads to the real problem.
You feel that he is going out and doing things with strangers that he will not do with you.
I can get that, but understand the context of his actions. This is his work. This is his studies.
How about instead of arguing with him this week give a call with this - "Sorry for hounding your recently. I'm just excited to hear about how things are going over there and have been missing you. Also, hearing about what you are doing makes me want to go out and have a night with you. I trust that you make smart decisions and understand that you need to do what you need to do as far as networking. The time zone is tough and I may not be able to talk to you like I want. I'll give you the space you need to operate but would love it if when you got back home we could schedule a night to go out dancing. It's been a while and I miss it and miss you" .............. If he can't respond to that than shame on him.
Personally, I hate dancing. There is nothing enjoyable about being in any sort of club. A bar that has a DJ (or even a band that is too loud) just drives me nuts. I like to go out and talk with people and have real conversations, or tell jokes, or just have fun with that I don't normally get to do. I don't have frequent amount of times to go out and when I do I'd rather spend it with those people than be in an area where I can't socialize.
However, I know some people do love dancing and for them that is what they can't normally do and they like to go out and hear things, see a fun environment, etc. My wife is somewhat one of those people.
If she goes out late with her girlfriends on a dancing night - I have no issues. I trust her decision making and offer them resources to get home safe and things to watch out for to be safe while out. There have even been times where they do overnights - not an issue.
There are also those times where she wants me to be a part of it. I respect where she is coming from and will oblige on occasion even though I really hate it. Because as much as I hate going to dance club or dancing in general - I love spending time with her and making her happy. She feels the same so she doesn't ask often.
It sounds like you need to strike a balance at home.
The issue isn't that he's going out in the orientation or that he's staying out late. The problem is that he isn't going out late or doing things with you that you value.
Brining anything else into that will just add noise and confusion.
Thank you for the insightful post and advice. I do appreciate it.
I feel irritated that he is going out so late, also that we don't do these things together as a couple. He is enjoying his new found freedom seemingly more then being a couple. Maybe we are too different.
I feel irritated that he is going out so late, also that we don't do these things together as a couple. He is enjoying his new found freedom seemingly more then being a couple. Maybe we are too different.
If it's just a week, suck it up already!!!!! You sound like a petulant child.......
I feel irritated that he is going out so late, also that we don't do these things together as a couple. He is enjoying his new found freedom seemingly more then being a couple. Maybe we are too different.
Seriously? This sounds like a temper tantrum and I really don't mean for it to sound harsh.
It's a week and it's for school. Get over it.
Did he tell you that he's enjoying every minute of every night that he stays out til 2am? My guess is he's not and he's probably tired as heck because he has to network and because he chose a school in Spain. My guess is he probably would rather be in his room instead.
If he never liked staying out late or going out dancing BEFORE you got married, then why is it an issue now?
I feel irritated that he is going out so late, also that we don't do these things together as a couple. He is enjoying his new found freedom seemingly more then being a couple. Maybe we are too different.
is the fact that the evening starts later in Spain going over your head, or are you just choosing to ignore that?
What a poor sap of a husband you've got, he's getting in trouble for not going back and sitting in his hotel room when he's in a foreign country with classmates.
Again - I think you are making mud out of dirt and water - keep them separate.
From this feeling:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tiffany035
I feel irritated that he is going out so late, also that we don't do these things together as a couple.
You make a large leap to this conclusion:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tiffany035
He is enjoying his new found freedom seemingly more then being a couple.
Then this ending:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tiffany035
Maybe we are too different.
It sounds like you had some issues that were bubbling well before he got on the plane. He hasn't been gone that long to have such strong reactions. Deal with what makes you react so strongly to this scenario - that is your cause concern.
As far as his "new found freedom" maybe he just enjoys getting to know like minded people in an informal setting at a unique location as he sets to work with them on a rather important part of his academic and professional life.
If they didn't share common goals, thoughts, etc they wouldn't be in the same room of the program. That gives them enough common ground to get to know each other better. Then you learn about the differences and how that shapes their point of view an their experiences and that makes them interesting.
Knowing all of this will allow you to interact better over a computer for the next year or two as you work together to accomplish a goal.
Chances are he is enjoying it because he enjoys his studies and the people that are drawn to it .... however, even if he were miserable it would still be what he needed to do
I would caution you to not hold this trip against him as it will only cause backlash against you as he is not doing anything wrong.
You may or may not be compatable - you may or may not be growing well together over time - however, you must discuss the core concerns and issues without brining up all this other noise .... it will only cause frustration and anger in what is going to be a tough conversation regardless
If you are feeling neglected figure out why that is and how it can be fixed. See if he is feeling the same way. You both deserve to be happy
I feel how I do. You trying to insult and call names doesn't help and you are entitled to your opinion.
Here is some real world advice.
You need to learn when to pick your battles. I suppose after a few more yrs married, that advice will sink in a little more.
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