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Read it again: I said that if something is so sensitive that you feel anxious it may become public fodder, the solution is to keep quiet about it. No e-mail, no phone calls, no face-to-face, no communication whatsoever.
My point was clear.
So if you ever get a dread diagnosis that you're not ready to tell the entire world about yet, if ever, but you need the support of a good friend to help you in the early days and weeks, you should basically just suck it up and keep it to yourself until you're ready to get on a bullhorn and announce it and/or it's obvious you're about to kick the bucket?
I'm not interested in arguing about this any longer. There is no -- I repeat no -- expectation of privacy of electronic communication in the professional world. I similarly believe that one is asking for trouble expecting that e-mail is secure in private life.
But before I leave the discussion, let me answer your question. I would call my closest, most trusted friend and ask to meet in person before sharing the news. A real-life hug is ever so much better than a virtual one.
Now, enough. I have made my point; you have made yours. If my contribution to the discussion has no value to you, please feel free to dismiss it, and I will extend you the same courtesy.
You can frame it however you choose, I just see it differently.
And what I see makes it appear as though this is all about your ego, sorry.
Would you really rather be "right" than happy?
Personally, my sisters are way too important to me not to forgive them something like this. In fact, I've had to once forgive them for something 10 times worse. And I was able to do that by remembering how much we love one another and by stepping back out of my own feelings to try to look at things from their point of view.
I only tell you all this to try to help you Wry. Life is short. And we never know which day will be the last day we have with those we love.
Wow.
I don't understand this "everything is ok because it's family" mindset. Not only did her sister betray her trust, but her BIL was a jerk. And it should be okay because, hey, they are family?
What, pray tell, could the sister and brother in law's point of view possibly be?
Your normal lovey-dovey, pie in the sky outlook feels out of place here.
There is intimacy, and there is betrayal of trust. I would never tell my husband something that my sister told me in confidence.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by randomparent
Of course I talk to my friends about private matters, but I do it face-to-face. I stand by my point that if you do not feel comfortable sharing something with someone in person because it is that sensitive, the solution is not to put it in e-mail, because e-mail is not a secure mode of communication, and it never has been. I'm not trying to be argumentative here; I'm trying to help you understand the vulnerabilities of e-mail.
Can't always see people face to face. My closest friends are even all on this continent and most aren't within driving distance. It's not practical.
I don't understand this "everything is ok because it's family" mindset. Not only did her sister betray her trust, but her BIL was a jerk. And it should be okay because, hey, they are family?
What, pray tell, could the sister and brother in law's point of view possibly be?
Your normal lovey-dovey, pie in the sky outlook feels out of place here.
There is intimacy, and there is betrayal of trust. I would never tell my husband something that my sister told me in confidence.
If that's ego (REALLY?), so be it.
oh good grief.
I think you not only misunderstood me, but you are not keeping up with the facts of Wry Martini's situation.
I most certainly did not say "everything is ok because it's family", nor would I say that.
You missed the part about Wry ASSUMING her email correspondence would be "private".
It is NOT her sisters fault that Wry made that assumption.
Married couples frequently share email accounts or ready access to each others accounts - which they have the right to do.
The fact that Wry didn't know that here sister and her husband openly share their accts does not mean the sister did anything "wrong". Wry was "wrong" for making assumptions. Something she doesn't seem to want to acknowledge, much less take personal responsibility for.
As has been eloquently stated by randomparent above, it is naive of anyone to think anything they put in an email is "private".
Does Edward Snowden's name ring a bell with any of you for instance?
NOTHING on your email is ever guaranteed to be completely private. If you have something that private you need to discuss with someone see them in person or write them a letter you can ask them to burn after reading.
I do believe Wry has the right to be offended that her brother-in-law did not keep what he learned to himself. His behavior was rude and boorish, no doubt. He certainly owes her an apology for that.
But there were mistakes made on both sides, which generally means you spread the blame around, not heap it all on one party and refuse to take your share of it.
In addition, enough time has now gone by that Wry should have been able to have talked to her sister and worked this out. Prior to this they must have been extremely close for Wry to have wanted to share such personal stuff to begin with.
When someone you love and are very close to disappoints you or hurts you, you owe it to yourself and to them to be willing to talk it out and forgive one another. That's what love is all about.
Withholding forgiveness and hanging on to hurt, angry feelings is egotistical and childish.
We each have a responsibility to ourselves to be the best that we can be. Staying stuck in your ego keeps you from being able to be your best.
As I told Wry above, life is short and none of us knows how much time we'll have with those we love.
So only the very foolhardy waste any of that time staying estranged from someone they truly love and enjoy being with.
I think you not only misunderstood me, but you are not keeping up with the facts of Wry Martini's situation.
I most certainly did not say "everything is ok because it's family", nor would I say that.
You missed the part about Wry ASSUMING her email correspondence would be "private".
It is NOT her sisters fault that Wry made that assumption.
Married couples frequently share email accounts or ready access to each others accounts - which they have the right to do.
The fact that Wry didn't know that here sister and her husband openly share their accts does not mean the sister did anything "wrong". Wry was "wrong" for making assumptions. Something she doesn't seem to want to acknowledge, much less take personal responsibility for.
As has been eloquently stated by randomparent above, it is naive of anyone to think anything they put in an email is "private".
Does Edward Snowden's name ring a bell with any of you for instance?
NOTHING on your email is ever guaranteed to be completely private. If you have something that private you need to discuss with someone see them in person or write them a letter you can ask them to burn after reading.
I do believe Wry has the right to be offended that her brother-in-law did not keep what he learned to himself. His behavior was rude and boorish, no doubt. He certainly owes her an apology for that.
But there were mistakes made on both sides, which generally means you spread the blame around, not heap it all on one party and refuse to take your share of it.
In addition, enough time has now gone by that Wry should have been able to have talked to her sister and worked this out. Prior to this they must have been extremely close for Wry to have wanted to share such personal stuff to begin with.
When someone you love and are very close to disappoints you or hurts you, you owe it to yourself and to them to be willing to talk it out and forgive one another. That's what love is all about.
Withholding forgiveness and hanging on to hurt, angry feelings is egotistical and childish.
We each have a responsibility to ourselves to be the best that we can be. Staying stuck in your ego keeps you from being able to be your best.
As I told Wry above, life is short and none of us knows how much time we'll have with those we love.
So only the very foolhardy waste any of that time staying estranged from someone they truly love and enjoy being with.
I didn't misunderstand you at all.
You have no right to impose your values onto Wry Martini. She shouldn't be made to feel bad because she is understandably hurt by what her sister/BIL did.
She will get over it when she gets over it. And that is not for you or anyone else to decide.
wry's sister and her sister's husband reading each other's emails is a ****ed up way of resolving their insecurities. Wry is right, there is a certain amount of privacy expected. What if her sister secretly recorded every conversation and played it back for her insecure prick of a husband? Is that OK? I just can't imagine that husband continuing to read those emails knowing full well it had nothing to do with what was purported to be the problem between that couple. If I were in wry's shoes, related or not, that would be the last I would speak to either. I have no need for people that I can't trust.
I do not look through my wife's stuff nor do I desire to. I wouldn't tolerate it and therfore don't subject her to it. A little respect goes a long way.
I'm not sure if we've ever shared our passwords with each other. I can't even remember mine half the time, let alone his. We could probably figure them out, but I don't see a reason to. I have nothing to hide, and I have no reason to believe he does either. If we are wasting time on FB, we are usually in the same room on separate devices. If it's obvious one of us is chatting with someone (or texting) we might ask what's going on or who the other is chatting with, just out of curiosity. If our phones are in the other room and we get a text, the other might glance at it and say "so and so just texted you." Occasionally one might answer the other's phone if asked.
We don't generally open each others mail unless asked to. Aside from the junk mail that never gets opened, his is the bills he pays or his bank statements. We keep separate finances so I have no interest and no reason to open them. My mail is my personal stuff. He doesn't need to concern himself with my car insurance or medical bills. We trust that the other is handling their sh*t.
I don't think I've ever even opened his wallet. He doesn't like getting into my purse. If he's looking for something and I have it in my purse I'll tell him to just go in and look for it. Most of the time he brings the purse to me so I can find it. LOL
We don't open each other's mail or access each other's wallets. We don't share passwords for email or FB.
I don't believe that having access to passwords demonstrates trust and therefore not having access means you have something to hide.
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