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Why single me out? All I am doing is responding to the people who respond to me. Including yourself. Yet out of that group of people you single me out as the one who "keeps arguing". Not another user. Not yourself. Just me. Your bias is clearly on your sleeve here. I am not doing anything here that the others are not also doing just as much. Do not single me out for persecution here thanks. Especially when I am not the one in the group who turned nasty and insulting during that conversation as others have done.
I defend my opinions and posts on the forum just as much - not more or less - as anyone else does when questioned and confronted. I do not apologise for that. Nor should I. It is my right. And at least I am doing it without recourse to insult or ad hominem - but respectfully, politely, and within the forum rules.
It is NOT my assumption. It is however, a universal and global assumption that becomes the law, unless other terms are specified. There is a difference between a break and breaking up. When you break up with someone, you wish them best of luck and move on as a single person. When you take a break for few days, with intention of getting back together, and do not specifically speak about wanting to see other people, IT IS ALWAYS ASSUMED that you are remaining faithful to your partner. Everything else is BS. I know what im talking about, and I know why you don't like it.
Last edited by Ascension2012; 01-31-2014 at 09:10 AM..
Also, my boyfriend and I were on a "break" so I think we were both free to do whatever we wanted. I mean he very probably did not go chasing girls, but I don't know that for sure.
Ha! If you really believe this then what's the dilemma? Tell him if you think you did nothing wrong.
People tend to project themselves on others. People who lie and cheat tend to think others lie and cheat. You're the cheater and liar, not him. You don't deserve a good guy.
It is NOT my assumption. It is however, a universal and global assumption that becomes the law, unless other terms are specified.
Yes. It is your assumption. There is no written law on how breaks or break ups work. Anywhere. So any rule you imagine exists is just your own opinion and nothing more. Relationships differ so wildly in this world that any assumption like yours is a dangerous one. I would not recommend anyone make them. Rather - if you are going on a "relationship break" with someone my strongest advice would be to be abundently clear to your partner(s) as to what exactly you think that means.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ascension2012
When you take a break for few days, with intention of getting back together, and do not specifically speak about wanting to see other people, IT IS ALWAYS ASSUMED that you are remaining faithful to your partner.
See even here you have included an assumption when you write "with the intention of getting back together". From my reading of the OP her intention was not to get back together - but to split up and do some soul searching as to WHETHER OR NOT she wanted to get back together in light of the information she had (or in this case falsely thought she had).
She took a break not with the intention of getting back together but with the intention of "Thinking things through" (her words) as to whether she wanted this relationship or not.
But as I said if you think Fidelity is an unspoken rule in going on a relationship break then this is an assumption you have made - and it is by no means a hard set rule - so for many it would be a dangerous assumption to make.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ascension2012
and I know why you don't like it.
Yea so do I. Because I simply think it is wrong. That is why. But by all means regail me with the things you want to make up about me as another user already did with the OP when they wholesale fabricated her motives for the break - before retreating from the thread with a "LOL" as if making up falsehoods about the OP is all just such a laugh.
The poster I am no longer addressing claiming it didn't was out of her mind. It's the one thing that DID matter.
No the one thing that DOES matter is her lack of trust in her own boyfriend. Her choice to believe second and third hand information over her own boyfriends word.
The other thing that DOES matter is her wish to get back with her boyfriend as a consolation prize. Her wish to only be with him now because Guy2 does not actually want her.
She needs to explore her trust issues. She needs to explore why she wants to be with a guy who she is only being with because the other guy rejected her.
She does NOT need to explore - or feel guilty about - having sex with a guy while she was single. There is nothing wrong with single people having sex with who they want.
So my boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year. He really is a great guy all around. Pretty early on he told me he was looking for a relationship that could develop into something even longer. He didn't actually use the word "marriage" but I knew that's what he meant. I was completely on the same page with him.
So about two weeks ago I got some information from what I thought was a good friend and confronted my boyfriend with it. He flat out denied it. I didn't believe him and completely over reacted. Basically I told him we should take a break and think things through. He didn't want to but I was so angry and insisted so we did.
A few days later I went out with my best friend and we met up with some other girlfriends at a bar restaurant that we sometimes go to. At some point some guys joined our group and I started chatting with one of them. At around midnight everybody sort of left and it was only me and this guy. We talked alot. We drank some more and I went home with him and stayed the night.
He texted me on Monday and we got together one more time. When I called him on Tuesday, the guy was weird and stuff on the phone. And that was it. Also, and this is the huge one, on Tuesday night, I found out that what I accused my boyfriend of was completely false and that the person who told me had an agenda. Just a miserable *itch.
So I called up my boyfriend and told him I wanted to talk. We got together yesterday and I apologized for losing it and told him that I completely over reacted and felt like an idiot. He was not particularly chatty but said that I should trust and believe him when he says things. I did not say anything about the guy I got together with. I feel really ****ty about that. I want my boyfriend to be my everything so I don't want to lie or decieve or anything like that but I don't know if I should say anything.
Should I keep quiet about it or if not, what would be the best way to be honest?
You say that you got together with the other guy a second night? And, not only that, but you then called him and he acted weird....why did you call him?? I really don't think you're that interested in having a serious relationship with your boyfriend....maybe you used the false info from your friend as an excuse to sleep with another man. Just a thought.
I didn't read all the replies, but does anyone else hear Ross from Friends in this? WE WERE ON A BREAK!!
OP, if you loved your boyfriend you would have 1) believed him over some drama queen 2) not bailed and asked for a break at the first sign of issues with your relationship 3) not hooked up with someone else in such a short time while on said break and 4) not called this other guy AGAIN if you really believed you made such a huge mistake the first time
The one thing that 100% would send the dude packing is the only thing that is none of his business.
False on two counts. Firstly you do not know it would "100%" send him packing. PErhaps he too will recognise that her sexual relations while not in a relationship with him are not his concern.
Second how do you know it is the "one thing" that would send him packing? In his place what would "send me packing" is not her actions while single - but her failure to trust me and her false accusations.
You are simply projecting how you feel you would react on to him and assuming he is of the same opion(s) as you.
My point exactly! I am not sure why people on here are having trouble understanding it.
You forgot to add that Ascension also said:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ascension2012
If you are in a monogamous relationship, and ask your SO for a break for a few days, it is ASSUMED you are still in a relationship and that you are not seeing anyone else. Unless a specific conversation about seeing other people takes place at the time when a break is requested, monogamy is ASSUMED during the break. Otherwise, Id advise the person requesting a break to say " I need a little time to myself, I think we should take a break and be free to see other people". Otherwise, they are not SINGLE, and are still expected to keep their legs closed.
Let's see what she said in her OP:
Quote:
Originally Posted by MollieSJ
So about two weeks ago I got some information from what I thought was a good friend and confronted my boyfriend with it. He flat out denied it. I didn't believe him and completely over reacted. Basically I told him we should take a break and think things through. He didn't want to but I was so angry and insisted so we did.
She only said "break" and HE didn't want to. I doubt he thought it was an absolute break-up.
Quote:
Originally Posted by monumentus
That is your assumption. No one elses. The "terms" of a break up are set by the people having the break. Not by you. It differs from person to person and relationship to relationship. If the above is YOUR assumption when having a break - then I advise you to make that assumption clear to whoever you end up having a break with - if and when it happens.
But do not project your assumptions onto others. Others operate under different assumptions. And for many - being on a "break" means they are not in a relationship.They are as good as single.
You also said:
Quote:
Originally Posted by monumentus
And as I said as a single person - which she therefore was at the time - that is her perogative. We have no position to judge what single people do with their sex lives. That was all my point was. Protraying this as an infidelity therefore is simply false. How can you commit an indifelity while SINGLE?
Do you not see the irony in these posts? By this logic, you're in no more of a position to give advice than Ascension is. You're doing exactly what you're telling him not to do...that is you're also assuming that their "break" was a true break-up.
Quote:
Originally Posted by monumentus
I would suggest she tell him that what she did with her private sex life while she was single is not really his concern. If it bothers him then it is HIS choice to either build a bridge - or leave the relationship.
What people do while in a relationship with you is your concern. What they do while NOT in a relationship with you is not. If you want to make it your concern and obsess over it - then it would be you with the problem not them.
Yet, what she did "outside" the relationship is a problem enough for HER to come here and make a (possibly troll) thread about it. If she feels guilty, she knows she did something wrong. That is HER problem.
Quote:
Originally Posted by monumentus
That is entirely up to her. People in relationships sometimes do share their sexual history. While some other people do not and even refuse to. They think it has nothing to do with anyone else. Not all couples share their sexual history with each other - nor should they.
So my advice to her would be to stay true to herself and who she is.
There are indeed people who feel they are somehow owed that information. That your partners sexual history should be an open book and shared as if it is under the "Freedom of information act" or something. I am not one of those people clearly.
So my advice to her - if asked - would be to do what she normally does when a partner asks her her sexual history. If she normally tells her partners - then I would advise she do so here. If she normally does not - then I would advise her not to here either.
Your advice has been for her to not say anything this entire time as it's none of his business. Seems like you're backpedaling now.
Also, while nobody is entitled to that information, you fail to consider that people have feelings. Do you really think they'd like finding out, one way or another, that their SO slept with someone else on their short "break"...especially when they weren't the ones initiating the so-called "break?" If her boyfriend would care, it'll be interesting how the relationship pans out when he finds out about it from someone else.
Quote:
Originally Posted by monumentus
What I WOULD advise her to do at this point is ask herself if this is really the guy she wants to be with. That she went back to him only after Guy 2 rejected her might indicate she is only wanting to be with him to be with _someone_. Does she want to be with him for HIM or simply because he is the consolation prize? IF the latter she has some serious soul searching to do on this.
The terminology (and concept) of "being on a break" really IS bs. It's ambiguous...it may mean "temporarily free and single" to one person, and "still together, just taking some personal time away from partner to regroup/make some decisions" to another, or anything in between. If couple isn't on the same page about what "taking a break" means, it's inevitable that things will go poorly.
If you want to be single, END THE RELATIONSHIP. Don't call it "being on a break," and use it as a free pass to cheat. Seriously, this is such a stupid idea, it's been lampooned in pop culture countless times. Anybody remember the old "Friends," "...but we were on a BREAK!" episode? When a then-popular sitcom parodies the situation, you know it's a joke.
I didn't read all the replies, but does anyone else hear Ross from Friends in this? WE WERE ON A BREAK!!
Yup.
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