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It's a fact of life that after 40, no matter how good your genes are, you need to exercise to keep feeling and looking good. My spouse has tried to do it with diet alone and its not working. She feels blah all the time, sleeps a ridiculous amount and doesn't feel good about her appearance yet she gets almost hysterical when I try to get her to exercise with me. I believe doing physical activity together would also bring us closer together with a shared interest. She says that it's just not the type of person that she is. Any ideas for talking about it in a way that won't offend her? I've tried ticking off the benefits but all she thinks is I'm trying to alter her appearance (when her appearance is just one of many reasons why I would like her to exercise with me).
How bad is it? Maybe grilling her about breaking into a sweat isn't the way to go about it. What does she mean, she's not that type of person, she's not the exercising type of person? That's a bad thing to say...
If it's a self esteem issue, maybe she could hit the gym and the tanning salon or a spa with her other female friends instead, for that boost. I'm exersising.. but I wouldn't want to in front of my SO. Maybe she's embarassed.
Checked her thyriod lately?
Lack of energy, abnormally increased amounts (or decreased amounts) of sleep, eating disorders, bad skin, headaches, hormonal imbalances... ah the list just goes on and on.
There are 2 sides to everystory, that would rather differ either side of the argument anyone could propose. Until we know more details, who knows!
1) she's a 600 pound couch potato who won't cook, won't clean, won't go anywhere, won't work, won't do anything, isn't concerned with contributing to or helping to lead a healthy lifestyle ( but won't do anything but complain and be miserable regardless), and you are the true caring considerate and (understandably) concerned significant other at your wits end.
2) she's 30-50lbs over weight, happy with herself, your a health fanatic, and your feelings are hurt that she doesn't feel particularly inclined to join the gym 5 days a week with you...
If you're looking for something new with an ulterior motive... my family just got a dog recently. One of the best moves my mom made towards a healthier lifestyle was making it a point to take the dog on a big exciting walk everyday!
Well is she extremly over weight? And how have you asked her to exercise with you?
I love RollerBlading and walking and doing work out videos so if my hubby said to me (he never does) He how about we go blading this evening I would say sure lets go. But thats because I like doing those things.
If your wife is extremly overweight and gets upset when you ask her to exercise with you why dont you say something like "gee honey I really feel like going for a walk today because I ate too much but i hate walking alone would you come along to keep me company"
Or if she is in fairly good conditions say the same thing but choose a little more challanging exercise.
Thanks for the two responses so far and let me clarify - first, it isn't all about appearance. Franky that's about the 4th or 5th thing down on my list - maybe lower. She's only about 15 - maybe 20 pounds overweight but its the way she feels about it. To her that 15 - 20 pounds might as well be 150. It's not how I feel about the way she looks as the way she feels about the way she looks. She's gone from wearing clothing that makes her look nice because none of her nice old clothing will fit her. Money to buy clothing is not a problem. As far as how I've approched her so far, every time I go out to walk the dog I ask her to come - she passes. When I ask her to do other outdoor activities she passes as well. To clarify her statement that she is not that kind of person - I meant the kind of person that is interested in athletic activity. She's happy with herself, just not her appearance. And she getting more couch potatoish every day.
When you figure it out let me know I try to be nice about it but she will get upset, she's a pretty woman but it almost seems she doesn't care anymore, each year theres a few more pounds and it's adding up, i worry more about her health than looks, little hints don't work and just coming out and telling her doesn't work either, she gets upset. Her doctor jumped her about loosing weight and I thought that was going to do it, nope. I'm lost myself.
If someone is pressuring me to do something to please them, I tend to take offense. Especially if it's something that can be taken as a criticism, such as how I look. If on the other hand someone has a genuine concern for my well-being, and it is an act of love, then I will feel that concern. Trouble is alot of people hide behind "i want it for you as an act of concern" when it is really their own ego. 15-20 pounds is not excessive. Questions that come to mind are, is this person pressuring her to lose weight for his own ego, or his own sense of how it "reflects on him."
I dated a guy like that. After a few months he started telling me to "change my style" such as dye my hair a different color, wear different clothes. It wasn't the weight thing but it was a similar type of criticism, I needed to LOOK DIFFERENT TO PLEASE HIM. I tend to have a really low tolerance for this sort of criticism.
I would be more concerned with the unhappiness factor the writer describes. I'd be unhappy too if someone was criticizing me and pressuring me (repeatedly). Say it once or twice and let it go. Anything else is....not going to be taken well by anyone, regardless of weight or issue or circumstance
Thanks for the two responses so far and let me clarify - first, it isn't all about appearance. Franky that's about the 4th or 5th thing down on my list - maybe lower. She's only about 15 - maybe 20 pounds overweight but its the way she feels about it. To her that 15 - 20 pounds might as well be 150. It's not how I feel about the way she looks as the way she feels about the way she looks. She's gone from wearing clothing that makes her look nice because none of her nice old clothing will fit her. Money to buy clothing is not a problem. As far as how I've approched her so far, every time I go out to walk the dog I ask her to come - she passes. When I ask her to do other outdoor activities she passes as well. To clarify her statement that she is not that kind of person - I meant the kind of person that is interested in athletic activity. She's happy with herself, just not her appearance. And she getting more couch potatoish every day.
Well I guess there is not much you can do it sounds like other than wait until she talks about loosing weight and then maybe you can get into a conversation about how diet and exercise go hand and hand.
Some women I have noticed just get more couch potatoish and gain weight as they age. I have noticed that with my mom too. She has for well since I was a child always complaining about her weight and all she ever did was add pounds every yr. Now I am 37 5 children and 129 pounds only 4 pounds heavier than I want to be and she is problabl about 50 to 60 pounds over weight and still not liking herself well the way she looks anyway.
I decided to either be fat and shut up about it or just be healthy and accept my weight I chose the latter.
Oh ok where is my point? Sorry for rambling. My point is if she is not willing to make a change there is squat you can do about it ......no matter how nice you are or how good your intentions are.
I dated a guy like that. After a few months he started telling me to "change my style" such as dye my hair a different color, wear different clothes. It wasn't the weight thing but it was a similar type of criticism, I needed to LOOK DIFFERENT TO PLEASE HIM. I tend to have a really low tolerance for this sort of criticism.
I know the feeling. When I was 18 the guy I was dating use to do a fat test. He would pinch my waist area to make sure I was not getting flabby. LoL, I am 5'7" and at the time 118 pounds! What a wierdo he was. I think he wanted to date just bones!
Find something she likes to do and do it.
Dancing maybe?
I myself, don't like exercise as far as gym machines and crunches, etc. but I enjoy dancing to music, hiking, walking the dog and the fun stuff. Sex is good exercise too.
Just ask her what she wants.
I'm going to have a hard time being objective to this thread now... but OP thankyou for clarifying. Please understand that I'm just being honest.
15-20 pounds is nothing.... shoot, unless you're meeting the height requirements to join the travelling circus midgets, most people would barely see 15 extra pounds.
P'rhaps this is a self esteem thing in entirety, and not the losing weight. Her job could show as an example for how lethargic or active she is. If anyone made a big deal about 15 pounds on me being one of their "loving concerns", I'd tell them to shove it where the sun don't shine You can't make her care about herself, whatever is making her unhappy is what she's focusing on, or refusing to take a closer look at. Find something she likes to do. If she doesn't have any ideas, it's time to start exploring. Dancing, ice skating, swimming, whatever! But don't push her about her weight, she will only begin to resent you (if she doesn't already in the back of her mind) for not being seen as "acceptable" in your eyes anymore.
If she's unhappy with herself, ask her why. Maybe (no matter how helpful you are trying to be) it has nothing to do with her weight? When's the last time she went to have her hair done. . . ? Or something like that? It may sound frivalous... but if I wasn't allowed to go browsing for a new outfit once a month, or play with my hair or nails or something.. I would begin to feel very dejected and socially unkempt as well.
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That's a bad thing to say...
I try to be nice about it but she will get upset, she's a pretty woman but it almost seems she doesn't care anymore, each year theres a few more pounds and it's adding up, i worry more about her health than looks, little hints don't work and just coming out and telling her doesn't work either, she gets upset. Her doctor jumped her about loosing weight and I thought that was going to do it, nope. I'm lost myself.
You can't make her care about herself, whatever is making her unhappy is what she's focusing on, or refusing to take a closer look at. Find something she likes to do. If she doesn't have any ideas, it's time to start exploring. Dancing, ice skating, swimming, whatever! But don't push her about her weight, she will only begin to resent you (if she doesn't already in the back of her mind) for not being seen as "acceptable" in your eyes anymore.
