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lol that's because you are attending rock climbing...and kayaking....lol....
I go rock climbing with a bunch of friends. I don't attend meetup to rock climb with some strangers.
Actually, those were classes, not Meetups and I went to them because they sounded interesting to me. Again, I was speaking to the comment on ratios at events.
At any rate, this thread was originally about whether or not the OP should be more picky when it comes to who she agrees to meet from OLD sites.
When I did online I was extremely picky when it came to men. I have mentioned my standards before and how it screened out a lot of men. As a result, I often got messages from men who had what I considered to be dealbreakers (had kids, lived far, much too old)along with guys I wouldn't have dated when I was younger but realized weren't important (didn't attend college, blue collar instead of white collar, etc). The men with the dealbreakers were immediately screened out though many got mad. Those with previous dealbreakers were screened individually. The result was I didn't meet a lot of men last time but met quality men. Nothing became a permanent thing but got some friendships.
1) You are meeting guys in those meetup groups. Which means great. Your life is fine and you don't need to be in Relationship Help.
2) You are not meeting guys in those groups. Which means you need to find more hobbies. And I simply suggested competitive team groups.
But you also suggested that women go to groups full of men, like your Javascript group. Would you offer the same advice to men? Would you tell them to attend groups full of women, even if the group was for something they had no interest in?
This thread is about a woman trying to figure out whether she should be picky when it comes to online dating. But your advice is essentially to not be picky and forsake her own interests just for the sake of meeting a single man.
Honestly, everything that could have been said in response to the OP has been said, and great points all around, really great thread. I have nothing to add other than commentary; and I have tried to keep it brief so please overlook the "snips". This really is the abbreviated version.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jillabean
<snip> I pretty much went out with anyone who asked me. And it's not that they play games...they seem all nice and fine until you meet them. Then you figure out they have issues.
True: "until you meet them, then you figure out..."
<snip> not being over their ex to the point that all they talk about or something but also the guys with real long-term problems too... I mean real mental health issues).
True: A great deal of people (men & women as well), for whatever reason, are not over their SO, gf/bf, spouse/whatever and some do have serious mental health issues.
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve
<snip> But what I have noticed is that the good ones are more likely to come to your area while the bad ones let you do all the driving.
True: I have also experienced this but as they say, 'fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me'. Meeting half way is a far better alternative than either to do the entire distance themselves.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jillabean
I should be more clear, when I say issues... I don't mean your run of the mill issues (like you said, everyone has those). I mean relationship issues that get in the way of dating. Like I said, the guy not over his ex who spends most of the date talking about what a horrible person she is, <snip> a guy like that has relationship issues that make it hard for me to date him. <snip> yeah, I don't want to be someone's counselor.
True: It feels as if they're looking for sympathy...but it is pitiful that they can't seem to move forward.
<snip> This guy's issues make him way too hateful and bitter to date.
True: Life is just too short for ANY relationship which entails any hatred and/or bitterness.
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve
<snip> But an average looking guy who behaves normal - is that too much to ask for?
My favorite lines from the movie, As Good As It Gets with Helen Hunt & Jack Nicholson
CAROL
Stop it!! Why can't I have a
normal boyfriend??? Why? Get out
of here. Just a regular boyfriend
who doesn't go nuts on me...
1.The older you get, the less quality guys/girls you are going to get. <snip> The quality guys are usually married by then.
True: But some of those marriages may eventually end...for a variety of reasons (divorce, abandonment, estrangement and perhaps death). At which point 'we' will all be recycled back into the dating pool, hopefully not at the 'shallow end'. These factors do seem to take the 'blush off the bloom' as it were. <snip>
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
<snip>It's just a matter of those good women and good guys finding each other.
THIS ^^^ Exactly!
<snip>.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane
I could say the exact same thing about a lot of men too.
So because women over 40 aren't able to attract men over 40, that's a reason for those women to lower their standards? They do have another option. It's called remaining single.
THIS^^^
Quote:
Originally Posted by techcrium
Well yeah those are the options.
A) Either be realistic about who you can get at your age which means date down
This is absolutely unacceptable for me (and from my experience, many others in my age group as well).
or
B) Remain single
This is a far better choice for me and I am quite comfortable with my decision; I consider myself highly incompatible with any available men in my age group.
I would give the exact same advice for men as well.
Great advice!
In my 40s it was much easier to pick and choose, as I'm sure it was for the men on the market in their 40s.
Most people are established by then and have full lives with work, hobbies, friends and family. If no one is a match then so be it, there's other stuff going on.
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As I've mentioned, I am taking a break from dating. I am just kind of fed up with it and fed up with all the first dates with men who end up being weird, crazy, or jerks. I also mentioned in the past that I need to figure out what it is about me that attracts these kinds of guys.
Well, I was talking to a guyfriend last week who seems pretty wise when it comes to dating and relationships and thinking about something he said. He said I am not picky enough. For example, he said when I did online dating, I would go out first chance I got--sometimes after only one or two messages (which is true). He said, that's why I ran into so many jerks. I didn't weed them out first. Now, my philosophy is that I need to meet the person, in person to figure out if I like him or not (so why waste time with endless writing, phone calls, and the like). But he stressed that, that was a mistake and that I should spend much more time getting to know someone and that a man who's serious about dating will take the time to get to know you online a little first.
He also said don't go out with anyone I am not "excited" to meet. Again with online, if someone has little or nothing in common with me, don't bother (and that happens a lot... it's like guys don't read my profile sometimes). Or if I see deal breakers right off, to not bother. My friend says that's what I've been doing is going out with "anyone" and that's why I've had so many failure dates and getting "burnt out" so quickly. I am not screening them well enough.
One last thing he told me (that was tied in to all this) was to stop worrying about being so nice. He said I am way too concerned about possibly hurting the feelings of men asking me out (he says that's why I don't say no to deal breaker or dates I am just not feeling). He said it makes me come across as a doormat with low standards and jerks especially are drawn to doormats.
So it boils down to him advising that I should be pickier before I go out on a date, weed people out early on, and be a little less accommodating to strangers (and look after myself first). Even if that means a lot less dating or if I come across as a bit stuck up (less failed dating would be nice because dating costs a mint in sitter fees).
I'd just like to get some more input on this... see what others think as well and see what works for you. Honestly, I will most likely give his advice a try (what do I have to lose and what he said seems logical to me), but I love to get as much info as I can and I think it's an interesting topic for more than just me.
So with dating (especially online dating), do you feel being picky is the best approach or do you feel just going out there and dating as many people (numbers game) is best? Why do you think that method is best? And do you get frustrated or burnt out with either approach and if so, how soon?
I disagree with your friend. I do it like you do, meet quickly. I don't care if the guy ends up being jerky or not attractive to me, it's just a meeting, and I'm free to turn them down for any future dates. I feel like I wasted much, much more time before "getting to know" people online first only to not be a match when you finally meet. I like to meet many people quickly, I do coffee meets, 30 minutes or so. To me that beats weeks of pointless e-mails.
About being excited about a new person before meeting, IMO that is a cardinal rule don't. I have had too many experiences where I was excited to meet someone only to be disappointed in them, or to have them not be attracted to me in the end. I'd rather go in with an open mind and not be attached to outcome.
Jilla, it's different for everyone. In my experience, the best experiences have been where there was some investment prior to the first date. Now, I'm not the type to message back and back for weeks or months and then meet if distance isn't an issue. However, even if the date isn't for a few days, I do like investing time and energy into developing a rapport, and then going from there.
The relationships that started as a result of OKC (and those I briefly dated from both OKC and PoF), were those where we exchanged a dozen+ messages, had a few IM chats, and texted and talked on the phone extensively. With the three relationships, we exchanged a number of messages within the first day, and then moved to texting and I asked for their number and called that evening (no warning -- that's how I roll). Typically phone conversations lasted between 2-3 hours.
One of the guys I briefly dated on OKC, we exchanged messages and IMs, but I was iffy about meeting because of the situation at hand. Then we talked on the phone for about 3 hours after about a week, and met a week later.
Those I truly invested time in getting to know beforehand, the chemistry was never missing once the date hit. However, I didn't always follow this approach, it wasn't even a "rule" or anything, until later in the dating scene. And even then it wasn't a rule. It just became part of how I searched and weeded people out. In the beginning, I would just message someone, text/talk a little, and schedule a day/time to meet. This never worked for me in the long run. Meetings always felt weird and awkward, and it never went past the first date with any of these dates.
I can count four guys I met from PoF, and three of them I had great chemistry with. I went on about four dates with the very first man I met from PoF before he dropped off due to personal matters, but we'd check in and see how the other is doing from time to time. The other was about four dates, and the one following, three. And I exchanged many messages with each of them and talked for hours before and even after meeting. These weren't bad experiences at all.
And I did become extremely picky. I used PoF less and less because OKC has a better system, and I can better weed people out that way. After some time I realized I needed to tighten my criteria, and not waste anyone's time and only invest time and energy in select situations. While I had no trouble getting dates in San Diego, it didn't yield the best matches. I did not care for the dating scene in that area. Hell, even Atlanta was better, and Nor Cal proved to have better matches.
It's because many get so many responses (several told me this) they continue to hold endless interviews / correspondence. In many cases it was like applying for a job and I felt I had to beg in order to get a date. I hated it and won't be returning. I don't know why I stuck it out for so long.
Don't beat yourself up too much. The thing is, it's hard enough to get a typical woman to show up/not flake even after she's met you in person and finds you mildly interesting (like at a party or at a bar).
Trying to get them to actually to show up for a date with somebody they know only based off of photos and text/email interaction is even more difficult even if you're fitness model handsome and have pictures of yourself climbing a pyramid in Egypt (or something), but most guys obviously aren't quite that impressive, so it's harder yet still. If a guy is having a little too much success scoring dates online and getting them to show up, he's probably selling himself short on the caliber of women he should be swatting after.
The one common theme I'm hearing is the inability to not be adventurous enough, which is a common theme to most people who are getting older. Everyone has great ideas, but you are reading that no one wants to try them. The reason, I believe is, is the lack of ability to be super spontaneous anymore. The amount of things I could commit to in my 20s was simply amazing. I could go workout from 4-6pm, eat, get cleaned up, drive 60 miles to switch up the bars and clubs, shut the clubs down at 2am, drive 60 miles back home, get to bed by 330am, and be up to get ready for work at 630am. The ability to bounce back was much much greater.
Now, most of us have to plan out our events. We are working around our own lives, whether you have kids or not, and trying to line up with other people that have the same adult lifestyle. Also, time is just more valuable, whether we want to admit it or not. In my 20s, I could go out on 30 dates and it really wouldn't affect me, because that's what you do in your 20s. As you age, your career tends to take off and they pay you a higher living wage to perform better at work. Now, those late nights partying or late nights in general take a back seat to what's really going to pay the bills. The things that are vastly more important, like family and friends, become more sacred as well. You're out of your innocent 20s and you're more focused on trying to eliminate debt, save for retirement, and make sure your kid(s) needs are being met.
I think everyone has really great ideas of what should be done in order to attract more potential candidates, but we have to understand that everyone's life obligations are very different. The right answer is to be more available and flexible, but many people feel their time is too valuable to be more available and flexible. That, in the end, is going to likely be your biggest culprit dating. The hill you're willing to die on dating may not be the hill the other person is willing to die on. Those hills become more and more important as we continue to age and date.
Also, some people just don't want to try new things with complete strangers. When someone tells you to join a gym, join a club, or join a team, most of the time it's you taking a leap of faith. If you can't get your friends on board with the idea to join these activities, than what's the chances of you joining them? If you have no desire to do what they recommend for you, than what's really the benefit you get from it. It's like a person dating someone they have no attraction too. Why continue it if you see no benefit? Even with the groups that you do enjoy, sometimes your schedule is just too full at the moment to pick up another commitment.
The one common theme I'm hearing is the inability to not be adventurous enough, which is a common theme to most people who are getting older. Everyone has great ideas, but you are reading that no one wants to try them. The reason, I believe is, is the lack of ability to be super spontaneous anymore. The amount of things I could commit to in my 20s was simply amazing. I could go workout from 4-6pm, eat, get cleaned up, drive 60 miles to switch up the bars and clubs, shut the clubs down at 2am, drive 60 miles back home, get to bed by 330am, and be up to get ready for work at 630am. The ability to bounce back was much much greater.
Now, most of us have to plan out our events. We are working around our own lives, whether you have kids or not, and trying to line up with other people that have the same adult lifestyle. Also, time is just more valuable, whether we want to admit it or not. In my 20s, I could go out on 30 dates and it really wouldn't affect me, because that's what you do in your 20s. As you age, your career tends to take off and they pay you a higher living wage to perform better at work. Now, those late nights partying or late nights in general take a back seat to what's really going to pay the bills. The things that are vastly more important, like family and friends, become more sacred as well. You're out of your innocent 20s and you're more focused on trying to eliminate debt, save for retirement, and make sure your kid(s) needs are being met.
I think everyone has really great ideas of what should be done in order to attract more potential candidates, but we have to understand that everyone's life obligations are very different. The right answer is to be more available and flexible, but many people feel their time is too valuable to be more available and flexible. That, in the end, is going to likely be your biggest culprit dating. The hill you're willing to die on dating may not be the hill the other person is willing to die on. Those hills become more and more important as we continue to age and date.
Also, some people just don't want to try new things with complete strangers. When someone tells you to join a gym, join a club, or join a team, most of the time it's you taking a leap of faith. If you can't get your friends on board with the idea to join these activities, than what's the chances of you joining them? If you have no desire to do what they recommend for you, than what's really the benefit you get from it. It's like a person dating someone they have no attraction too. Why continue it if you see no benefit? Even with the groups that you do enjoy, sometimes your schedule is just too full at the moment to pick up another commitment.
Anyone else's thoughts?
Great topic. It needs its own thread.
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These are my 'CliffsNotes'
