is it ok for a woman to confide in another man? (spouses, feelings)
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Okay so I ask this question. How do I go about talking to her about this? She is always on the defensive and says he is a good friend and I can't do anything about it. Like I've said before her being friends with him was okay but now I question his motives. She has never told about our sex life it was him confiding in her about his. She has only confided in him with just normal marital problems but receives negative answers.
You flat out tell her, hey I'm uncomfortable with you shearing details of our private life with your male friend, PERIOD! Please talk to me or lets go get help together...
My feeling this, as a married person your no longer an island unto self, you have obligating to your spouse, respect, honor etc, etc... Sometime you have do things you may not want to but if you love em you'll do what it takes to make them feel safe and loved, if someone deemed be threatening your relationship and that means dumping a friend, you do it! ... Last that fact he keeps confiding to her about sex would be pretty clear! Hello ..He needs go by, by~~~
Okay so I ask this question. How do I go about talking to her about this? She is always on the defensive and says he is a good friend and I can't do anything about it. Like I've said before her being friends with him was okay but now I question his motives. She has never told about our sex life it was him confiding in her about his. She has only confided in him with just normal marital problems but receives negative answers.
I find it disconcerting that she goes on the defensive about her friend and her right to blab your private business to him, yet doesn't show concern for your feelings as her spouse. She might not always agree with your viewpoint but in a marriage, sometimes you do things for your spouse, like it or not, because it's important to them.
Maybe just something to the point like "Why do you feel it's more important to divulge our personal issues to your friend than it is to respect my feelings as your spouse, when I don't appreciate you taking our issues outside of our marriage and particularly to a male friend"?
Thanks everyone for the advice and I would like to clear up a few things. This guy doesn't just come out and say leave him but he does say stuff like. I wouldn't EVER put up with that EVER and I don't know how you do it. This is an example of a returned text from him and yes ever is in all caps in text. I will also say her having male friends isn't exactly something just like but I do try to understand. Social guy friends that talk about just random bs is cool but stay clear of the relationship area that's pushing it. And to clarify one more thing I do try and talk to her she clams up and shuts her emotions in but releases them all to her friends female and this one male
Hmmmm, she refuses to talk to you about it but you know what he texts her? I kinda doubt that she is voluntarily letting you read her texts...
Maybe he wouldn't put up with it, based on how she is describing things. Or have you also seen the texts where she is confiding in him?
How does this guy's wife feel about your wife confiding in her husband?
You can't change her behavior, she needs to want this by knowing and understanding where everyone is at.
You can only make her aware of your view point and the fact it makes you uncomfortable and why.
If she continues to do this regardless of your feelings, you know how much she values you and your relationship together.
Proceed as you see fit with the information she GIVES you.
Perhaps you should initiate the "couples counsoer" talk and be proactive.
Make her aware of how you feel and suggest you bring in a third party who has no personal connection to any one of you two.
Okay so I ask this question. How do I go about talking to her about this? She is always on the defensive and says he is a good friend and I can't do anything about it. Like I've said before her being friends with him was okay but now I question his motives. She has never told about our sex life it was him confiding in her about his. She has only confided in him with just normal marital problems but receives negative answers.
OP, if she is always defensive, and has her cell phone locked. I would be extremely suspicious.
I've seen many of these friend things turn into affairs. It starts out harmless but its very easy to flirt over the phone, which usually keeps going.
I had a very similar situation happen to me. In the end I had to crack her phone code and see what was going on. What I found was what I feared. For me it was the straw that broke the camels back.
To answer your original question, yes I think its very disrespectful for a wife to confide in a man unless its a counselor .
I believe what happens within a marriage should STAY within the marriage. You should have walls around the two of you with windows between each other so that you can "see" and know what the other is doing within those marital walls (which includes what they do with everyone else). Those walls are to keep everyone else at arms' length from the marriage dynamic.
If you're doing or saying or writing something to someone--ANYONE--else that would hurt your marriage if your spouse saw it or heard it, then you shouldn't be doing it (I don't just mean his/her feelings, I mean the marriage itself). EVEN if you think it's silly--if your spouse is uncomfortable with it, then you shouldn't do it. Your relationship with your spouse supersedes all other relationships. To knowingly do something that really bothers the other person is selfish. Obviously there is a line in the marriage that is unique to that particular marriage--what is okay for one couple might not be for another. Everyone's marriage is different. Each partner just needs to remember that affairs of the heart do not start in the bedroom.....they start with shared confidences and private conversations that lead to a increased sense of intimacy with the other person until someone gets in too deep and someone gets hurt. Not all affairs are planned, they just happen. Everyone should take simple steps to safeguard their relationships. The marital walls are a start.
Again, just my 2 cents, but I think that you should NOT talk about marital problems with ANYONE except each other or a counselor-type person. Talking with opposite sex friends about anything personal to do with the marriage or spouse is out-of-bounds IMHO. You also shouldn't talk to your own family about it if you KNOW you're staying with your spouse despite your "complaints". I know plenty that do this, however, but it usually is NOT in the best interest of the marriage. I've seen a spouse complain to his family about something he's basically okay about--didn't even think it was a big deal when he said it, and can barely remember being ticked off enough to speak about it, but he did, and his family now pretty much can't stand the guy's wife. And now he's left wondering why they don't socialize like they used to. A spouse who loves the other partner and is basically happy is usually going to forgive the partner, but the big sister who adores baby brother / sister might take it upon themselves to be "offended" for their sibling. And it snowballs.
I also discourage talking to same-sex friends about marital issues, at least if the problems are deemed "serious" (if that serious, seek counseling). Of course, sometimes you just really need someone to talk to, and it's good if you do have someone--make sure it's a "friend of the marriage", though, so they help you look for solutions instead of adding to the trouble or drama. I do see a difference between venting about the "usual" husband / wife minor complaints--I think we all do it, even if we don't think we do--and issues that need actual attention to help the marriage survive or improve.
A counselor is trained. A counselor will study the couple and their dynamic and have "no dog in this fight". A spouse who is "feeling stuck in a miserable existence" might be prompted to leave his spouse by a friend who has ulterior motives while a trained counselor might recognize it as a side-effect of an SSRI that has quit working (or its side effects). I saw a marriage almost succumb to this scenario. The "friend" DID have a reason to hope they broke up.
Oh, and as for seeking advice anonymously on a forum? If you think you're doing it in the best interest of your marriage and can't or won't get counseling, then why not? Just remember--you get what you pay for. At least those here aren't motivated because they want one outcome versus another for their own interests. And hopefully you know to take everything found on the internet with a grain of salt. Sometimes you just need to hear yourself think and get a bit of feedback without having those you know get all up in your business.
If your wife won't consider your feelings in this sensitive matter, then she's being selfish and naive. Add childish, too, if she then tries to make you feel guilty for asking her to respect your privacy boundaries.
The last statement made was a great one and sees my point of view and I am thankful for your comment. Everyone that has said counseling is absolutely correct we do need this. I want to cherish her feelings as I do want to cherish hers that's what a marriage is all about two people becoming one.
If I was on a forum in the area I actually live I could see your point. I live 1000 miles away I am search of opinions and advice.
My advice is to get off of the forum and go talk to your wife, you two are the only two who can get this worked out.
My opinion on the entire matter is that anyone can and should be able to confide in anyone they choose to confide in.
Women are not "required" to "stick to women or family members" when it comes to who their friends and confidants are.
You may not like it but unless you want to appear like a controlling, jealous, insecure, possessive husband I would back away from the "You can't talk to him about our problems" issue.
Apparantly she feels she can't talk to you about anything so she talks to him.
Have you ever asked her why she feels she can't talk to you about your issues?
Do you talk "with" her or "at" her?
How does she talk to you?
Do you discuss things or do you argue about things?
Let me ad this little bit to it. She is also friends with both him and his wife. When they talk about his relationship problems she looks for solutions. When she talks about our problems he tells her he doesn't know how she puts up with it. No advice is ever given on his part other than end it I think he has an alternative motive myself.
He's trash talking you? Oh man. This is a prickly situation. And she's resisting counseling and blaming all the problems on you. I don't want to advise you one way or another about how to cope with your wife on that aspect, but, the "friend" is out of line. "Friends" quite often do that. Right smack dab in the middle of your business. Ah yes, been there. Only the "friend" involved was mine, and she kinda made him hers.
When personal aspects of your marriage spill out like this, it spells big trouble brewing. There is no way she should be talking to him like that and even less way he should be listening. He's put himself somewhere he's got no bhsiness being and she opened the door. Pard....bluntly...I'd be PIZZED!!!
My exact feelings and we have tried she calls me jealous and have trust issues
Nah, you don't have trust issues at all.
You don't want her talking to her male friends and you don't want her going out with her female friends. I guess you'd only be happy if she quietly sat at home and watched TV.
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