Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Again, not a relevant questions since dating isn't about "they", it is about specific individuals. If a specific individual doesn't want to date you, you move on to another person. Simple.
It's called discussing generalities and being able to remove yourself from the conversation.
You could be a perfect match conversationally and personality wise with a guy who is 300 lbs. But you aren't attracted to him physically. So what does he need to do?
Do you tell the 300 lb guy to "don't give up hope" and "there will be someone who will accept your 300 lb arse!"?
OR do you give him a dose of reality and say, listen buddy, if you lose your weight, you will have better success.
I guess some individuals are just unable to comprehend abstraction and encapsulation?
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,989,150 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by techcrium
It's called discussing generalities and being able to remove yourself from the conversation.
You could be a perfect match conversationally and personality wise with a guy who is 300 lbs. But you aren't attracted to him physically. So what does he need to do?
Do you tell the 300 lb guy to "don't give up hope" and "there will be someone who will accept your 300 lb arse!"?
OR do you give him a dose of reality and say, listen buddy, if you lose your weight, you will have better success.
I guess some individuals are just unable to comprehend abstraction and encapsulation?
No, some people just don't want to play stupid games with hypotheticals that have no basis in reality.
Abstraction is fine (in conversation), if it has any relevance to real life.
In your example above, what does he need to do? He needs to do what he wants to do. He's a grown azz adult.
I wouldn't tell him anything (well, it would be a she for me, I'm a straight guy), it isn't my business to tell her anything except that I'm not interested.
I surely wouldn't tell them to lose weight. There are 300# people that fall in love, and most people that are overweight know they are overweight. No reason to be a jerk and rub in in their face. And it isn't my place to tell them anything.
Again, once again and again and again, you're presenting unrealistic false dichotomies. It is either A or B, which is it? The answer with your repeated false dichotomies is usually neither, as your options and premises are completely flawed from the beginning. I know you're trying to be clever, and perhaps you actual think you are, but your premises are completely flawed routinely because your perception is flawed.
Again, once again and again and again, you're presenting unrealistic false dichotomies. It is either A or B, which is it? The answer with your repeated false dichotomies is usually neither, as your options and premises are completely flawed from the beginning. I know you're trying to be clever, and perhaps you actual think you are, but your premises are completely flawed routinely because your perception is flawed.
Thank you for stating so clearly what many of us having been trying to convey to the OP.
It's called discussing generalities and being able to remove yourself from the conversation.
You could be a perfect match conversationally and personality wise with a guy who is 300 lbs. But you aren't attracted to him physically. So what does he need to do?
Do you tell the 300 lb guy to "don't give up hope" and "there will be someone who will accept your 300 lb arse!"?
OR do you give him a dose of reality and say, listen buddy, if you lose your weight, you will have better success.
I guess some individuals are just unable to comprehend abstraction and encapsulation?
I'd tell him to look for women who date obese men (usually obese women)or instead of dating work on bettering himself.
Let's say you are a woman that wants to date guys without kids, are taller than you, and have a job. (example taken from a poster with her "requirements")
What if those guys don't want to date you because they don't find you attractive? (again not just physically)
Outside of the height requirement (which is silly to many)I found a guy who fits two out of the three. There are men out there who absolutely fit all three. If they are important to the person they should look for someone who fits them. There's no way I would consider a dad without a job, and any woman who considered a guy like that is stupid. Honestly if I hadn't found a guy without kids and without a job I would continue to search. For some settling means disappointment.
...
Just like it is assumed that if you are hungry, then you will go to a supermarket to buy food.
Techcrium, you're scoping the dating-problem in terms of market concepts, of supply and demand. This isn't at all a fallacious idea, and in fact I like your analogy. But this approach is excessively simplistic.
If I'm hawking my wares at the village produce market, I can either lower my prices (analogously, seek mates of a lower standard) or I can improve my product (analogously, make myself more attractive). This is a suitable analogy, would you agree?
Well, here's the rub. If my customers need to eat, yes they're going to have to buy food at the market. Whether they buy from me, or from another vendor, depends on my prices and my product. But dating and sex are optional, unlike eating. If no vendors at the dating-market have good prices, or good products, the shoppers have the option to leave empty-handed. I could lower my prices substantially, or improve my product substantially, and that might sway a few shoppers. But others are simply going to peruse the articles, going from stall to stall, and leave. Now of course they still want to buy something in principle. But they're not particularly eager. My capacity to bargain is limited, because the counterparty has the option of walking away.
It is this lack of bargaining-power that causes the fundamental problem in your analogy!
But there's a deeper problem – one that I missed in my first posting above. Suppose that by whatever means, you find your lady. What if she comes to realize that she's not your optimal choice, but the result of your "lowering your standards"? She'd be disgusted, feeling that you chose her as a matter of convenience, as the least bad option. She'd be disgusted, and will leave in disgust. Instead it is necessary to genuinely want her, not through feint or forgery, but unambiguous conviction; not that she was the last remaining target at the bar, or the target of opportunity, but your ideal choice, your natural choice. This requires a transformation in the self – not a tactic or a yielding to the confines of one's environment. And this is very difficult to do. Most people are reluctant to do this, and failing the satisfaction of their desires, they simply opt out of the market.
I wholeheartedly wish that we DID live in a society where men and women would line up opposite each other, and mates would be chosen that very day, with a public ceremony to solemnize the deal. But we don't. We live in a not-quite market society, where choices abound, but consequence of choice can't be reduced to product-selection.
Maybe I am confused. Is the goal of dating to have lots of dates. Or to meet the right person who you want to spend a lot of time with so you can stop dating other people.
Please enlighten me.
Thats why I'm asking the OP-personally, since this is the kind of person I am, I would think success would be to find a special person to focus my attention on. I would think that just having one person to date at a time would be fine. I don't think I would move on until I knew that the person I was dating was really compatible or not, and whether we were going in the same direction with our goals and that kind of thing.
But then, I'm 'old' so, maybe that's why I think that way.
Dating success is having a lot of cash and good looks.
Not having expectations.
Not keeping score of who pays.
Date one at a time instead of many at once.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
