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That is the question. Suppose you have been married for nearly 12 years...12 years this coming Monday the 16th. You have been together since high school. Since 1991.
Forever, in your mind. You have been belittled all of this time, as well as have been your children.
One day, there is a click. Your health has been bad, and you recover. A window opens in your mind and shows you everything that has been happening, all of these years.
All of the hurt and pain comes flooding through. You have had nothing but love for your husband all of this time. Your family has seen it all along, always asking you why is he like that. You just answer, thats just how he is.... they say he doesn't even let the kids be kids.
Back to the click. The opening in the clouds, and the sun shining through. A realization, a coming to terms. You talk to him about it. He doesn't get it, he doesn't understand.
The day before that is when you realize...I cannot move. I cannot move to a new state with this man and start a new life where i dont know anyone, where I dont have a job, friends, support system
I talked to my sister by phone. She says you must tell him, she was right, and I did. he just didn;t get it. He is a truck driver, says do you want a divorce, do you want me to be a long distance driver? If I am not here you wont have to put up with me. That does not solve the problem, but prolonges it.
One week later, he asks why I am isolating myself from him.... I am still upset, we talked about this. Your still upset over that mess...
Oh geez. So, a few days later we talk more in depth, 3 hours. Click, he got it. I told him he needs to see a therapist, and he agreed. i told him for his own mental health and for the kids, no guarantees for me. He guarantees that he will love me forever and will not go down without a fight. I say, maybe two years ago that would have been ok, but the hurt and pain is so deep, so embedded, and it has come to light.
I am on the fence. I have come to terms. i find myself doing things a single parent would do. i am in prep mode. I don't know what I am doing.
It is a complete mess. Five years ago he was horribly drunk at noon, vodka and tried to take the kids. I blocked him fr taking them and said i would call the police if he tried. he went outside and took the tires off my car, threw in back of his truck and left, coming back hours later, less drunk. I told him that is it. he must leave. We were talking and there was a knock at the door. The preachers wife and 2 deacons. Divine intervention, one could only feel.
We stayed together, and he went to anger mgmt, about 5x. Out of it, he got that it was all my fault. I feel that this is what will happen again...
I have turned it over to the Lord, and i still pray. What happens is in his hands...... I will overcome, no matter what. The Lord walks with me, beside me, not behind me, not infront of me, he carried me when i couold not walk.
Thank you for letting me vent, if you got this far...
Robyn
Last edited by Pikantari; 01-18-2008 at 02:51 AM..
It is a new day, today. I wake, and I am not afraid, I have no hesitation upon my being.
I am surrounded with boxes, here in the living room, my bedroom, now, which seems like it has been an eternity.
It is still early yet, in the day. I have a way to go, before the goings on will begin. But I am awake! I am alive! The shakles and chains are gone...I am free!!!
The House of Chimes sits on the corner, waiting for the kids and I...opening its arms to us. Everytime I go there, there is a warm and inviting feel about it. It is my home. I can feel it in my soul, in my very being. In my heart.
My kids are happy there. They had their first 'official' friend over last night... This little girl has never been to this house....the house of shackles and chains. They all hugged eachother godbye as we left. It was a wonderful sight... They will see eachother all the time now.
C and I were in the kitchen for the most time talking, as I can imagine in the future, that we will be doing, and we could hear Alexander grossing the girls out with his boy gross out stories. The girls running down the stairs to tell us about it.
I am so happy, one would not believe. I have nothing, yet I have everything. My life, my world has changed drastically.
I am no longer where is the love. His control and power is gone. He can say whatever he wants...I let it ride. He cannot hurt me anymore. I have grown from that.
I am anew. I do not cry as I type this, I smile, so early here in the morning. I am not holding my head, as I would often do, mid sentence. I am happy. All of you, I have to thank....with you, above everything in this earthly world, you all know, the Lord. With Him I can do anything, Without Him, nothing.
It is true. I have no money. I am blessed to have a job. I will not call it wonderful..but I have friends there, and I like the people I work with, I love my patients.
I worried over having at least a refridgerator and stove....I was given them both, for free. I have learned from this board, there are good people in this world. Here, and outside of here. Now, I may start crying.
Sometimes when you think it could not get any worse....the sun, it shines through the clouds, and He comes to you.
There were many rough days, so so many. But here I am. I overcame them. I really did it. The day is here.
Before my realization, all of the good was wrapped up inside of me, not to say I wasn't good, or that others weren't good. BUT. I wasn't really allowed to fellowship, to worship. It was when I started feeling better and walking that He came to me. I knew then, I was taking my life back for the kids and myself. I got back into the church and it felt so good. it was what I needed.
I walked with the Lord each and every day...on my walks, enjoying His natures Magesty.
He has brought me through, you guys have brought me through, with your testimonies, your encouragement, and even your kicks in the butt! No one wants a kick in the butt, but sometimes, I guess you need them.
My 5:05 alarm just went off. It must be time to get up...
I have felt the change in myself, day by day. You have seen it, in my words. It is a wonderful thing, and the day has come. The day of the House of Chimes.
The kitchen and bathroom are...'vintage'
LOL But I love them...they are so cool!
I took a close look the other day at the kitchen sink...and there was a brand name on the metal cabinetry just underthe sink, right in the middle, so small, you could hardly notice, and I don't know why i was stooping down to be able to see it.
There was an oval, and inside the oval, the name Shirley. I suppose it was the brand. I dont know.
That name has very much meaning to me, it is , it was my mothers name. I know she is with me always, I know that. but when I saw that...i felt like it meant something....like yep....this is where I am supposed to be.
Of course, it is a rental, and when you talk to a financial person, you waste your money renting, because it is not an investment towards ownership...well guess waht? I can't do ownership right now. I am completely thrilled with the House of Chimes... for now, it is our home..... I am gonna find a hat rack, preferrably an older one, to hang up my Dads cowboy hat on...
He is with me as well.
Not only is it the dawn of a whole new day, but a whole new life. To see those kids, heck, just to hear their laughter throughout that house, it was like music to my ears.
They have to keep it down here...shhh... Don't do that...lucky daddy isn't here. No more of that. Don't get me wrong. My kids are respectable, and disciplined. They will stay that way, I am not gonna let them run like crazy people, LOL...maybe for a few days...I have to keep authority over them, espescially since it is just me.
I have talked to them about this already. They know me as the protector. I have told them that they need to behave as best they can, because it will only be the three of us. We all need to act appropriately, as we know we should, and things will be fine. They will have to listen to me, etc...
They know that, they are good kids.
Alexander said to me...Mommy, I am glad we got a stove, cuz I have to eat!
Got that right! That boy must be 6 feet high, and I dont know if he will ever stop growing.
My journey here ends...the journey in the house of shackles and chains.
My journey in the House of Chimes, today, officially begins, and what a wonderful feeling it is. I will go back to sleep now, there is a big day ahead of me, and a lot to be done.
I will need coffee... You all are the very best there are....even you guys...
the ones who have followed this thread...and have jumped out all of a sudden to give me well wishes..i thank you...
I thank you all...
This is not the end, but only...
The very beginning...
Last edited by Pikantari; 01-18-2008 at 02:54 AM..
Good morning all, again. Thinking a new day has dawned is getting to be long
As I drove to work this morning, I looked at all of the trees,the different colors they have turned. Fall is my favorite season, all of thecolors,the leaves changing.
I thought about the wildflowers posting. I am a very literal person. It is though I have to see it to believe it.
Quote:
Robyn, if you reap what you sow, you will have fields of beautiful wild flowers!! See them? All the beautiful colors...some delicate, some vibrant. They are blowing and bending...swaying in the gentle breeze. Aren't they beautiful?!?!! I see them all around you. Their fragrance is calming and comforting you. I hope you can see them as vividly as I see them. They are all yours!
Rest well. (((Robyn)))
Thatwas from our Rockky
Quote:
Robyn, honey, you are already reaping what you have sown. You are living in the House of Chimes ! You have filled that house with warmth and love and turned it into a home, a place of sanctuary for you and your beautiful L and A. You have given them peace and tranquil evenings and surrounded them with much love and laughter. I would say, you are very much reaping what you have sown and much to his dismay, it is all good. blessings to you.
and from aiangel_writer
Quote:
I cant see the flowers for all of the hatrid and sadness he spreads around me, I see the words and they are wonderful to behold. I know it is how I should feel, I know I am doing right by my kids, but each time he talks to me, it is as though a piece of me dies, a patch of those flowers dies off....
from myself
The summer was rough for me,the spring was a time of growth. Of strengthand renewal, nowit is fall, a time when we see beautiful colors, but really, a time of death, to allow for the time of rebirth. It is my time.
I can see the fall colors, the leaves falling down, the death.
It has representation, just like my walks. The fall represents the death of my marriage, and I know the sping will bring new life...
And my dear friend, from reading all your past posts, and it's only been a few months. Time does heal all wounds. I pray for you continued strength, wisdom, peace and love.
Love you too girlie. You always had an idea, it was just clouded honey. Can't remember all of the lines, but I had it up at work....goes something like.... Dance, like no one is watching. Love, like you've never been hurt. That's what I wish for you.
Ok, gotta go, headed off to the h3ll-hole..oops, I mean work. See ya there
Robyn, you have come so far in such a very, very short space of time. I realize that you were actually on this path for several years, but only in the last 7 months or so have you really begun to act upon your thoughts.
You are an inspiration to all of the women (and men) out there who have and will decide to change their lives for the better. It can be done, and it has been put into words by you in such an eloquent manner.
I know there are great things in store for you Robyn. The way you handled that entire family of jackasses; just you and your faith - one against many. It's truly an inspiration.
And then, your work managers ganging up on you at the same time you were dealing with all of this. You plowed forward and said "I've got things to do, go away and leave me be." You moved forward, and didn't let anyone stand in the way of what you know needed to be done.
Then comes the harassment from ibtj and his relatives. You handled that with your usual calm and cool demeanor. Then the lawyer, and despite all of her attempts to derail you and try to subjugate you to her will and "professionalism," you stood tall, persevered, and whipped her lawyer a$$ in her own environment. Goodness, I have NEVER heard of this!
Robyn, you are a true, true winner, pure and simple. You have more integrity and guts, mixed with a wonderful compassion and tenderness than anyone I have ever known. That is a potent mix; one that will serve you dearly in the future, which is a very bright future indeed.
We are all so very proud of you and you should be proud of yourself. You are one in about 100 million, my good friend.
Thank you Synopsis! That post really means a lot to me... read it a second time!
Everything everyone says to me here... so very important... touching.
Appreciated so much by me.....
Yes, I walked down that long road in a short time. I don't know how... but I did. Sometimes I think I just wish I could have done it sooner, but I realize that I couldn't. It just was not my time.
Time it seems,.. is everything in my world.
Time, it flies by.... my children are growing up.... Before long, January will be gone, the Feb...
Last edited by Pikantari; 01-18-2008 at 05:41 PM..
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09012007
. See ya there
