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This has been my observation as well. I have a friend who is dealing with a divorce right now where her ex cheated. He's a jackass, but I think she was too complacent and he was having issues she didn't pick up on. These things really don't occur in a vacuum.
As an outside observer, what I've taken away from things like this is a reminder to never ignore my marriage.
Agreed. So many people have a very simplistic view of cheating, including many of the posters on CD. If they are cheated on, they take on the role of saint, believing they are completely blameless in the whole situation. Sometimes they are, but oftentimes they are not. What the cheater is doing is wrong. I am not discounting this. However, oftentimes, the cheated on spouse has neglected the marriage, sexually, emotionally, physically, or in other ways, oftentimes for years. The cheater usually brings up the problems prior to going outside the marriage, because they don't want the marriage to fail. After all, the person married the other person because he/she wanted to build a life with the other. For those of you who say, "Just get divorced," that's an extreme solution as well, is it not? And is it really a solution? What if kids are involved? Divorce is not always the best option. As an aside, I suspect this thread is going to get nasty soon
Agreed. So many people have a very simplistic view of cheating, including many of the posters on CD. If they are cheated on, they take on the role of saint, believing they are completely blameless in the whole situation. Sometimes they are, but oftentimes they are not. What the cheater is doing is wrong. I am not discounting this. However, oftentimes, the cheated on spouse has neglected the marriage, sexually, emotionally, physically, or in other ways, oftentimes for years. The cheater usually brings up the problems prior to going outside the marriage, because they don't want the marriage to fail. After all, the person married the other person because he/she wanted to build a life with the other. For those of you who say, "Just get divorced," that's an extreme solution as well, is it not? And is it really a solution? What if kids are involved? Divorce is not always the best option. As an aside, I suspect this thread is going to get nasty soon
I used to believe that cheating takes two, and in many situations, that's the case. But I have learned that there's a subtype of human species that cheats because they can and want to, not because of problems in the relationship. For them, it's about control, ego, pleasure, and deriving a sense of "freedom" from it.
I used to believe that cheating takes two, and in many situations, that's the case. But I have learned that there's a subtype of human species that cheats because they can and want to, not because of problems in the relationship. For them, it's about control, ego, pleasure, and deriving a sense of "freedom" from it.
Sounds like those types of people should just be single.
I used to believe that cheating takes two, and in many situations, that's the case. But I have learned that there's a subtype of human species that cheats because they can and want to, not because of problems in the relationship. For them, it's about control, ego, pleasure, and deriving a sense of "freedom" from it.
This is why I don't think you can really make any generalizations about cheating and cheaters. Some people are serial cheaters - like the poster in this thread. He seems to feel no guilt about it whatsoever. I would say people like that should not be in relationships and are solely to blame for their cheating. Then there are people that only cheat once and are overcome by guilt. There are all sorts of cheaters and all sorts of cheating.
Sounds like those types of people should just be single.
They should, indeed, but oddly enough, such folks need "relationships" in order to feel a sense of worthiness. But they are not honest, and will always cheat, regardless on whom they are with.
What I don't get is when people only think the cheater is at fault. It's a relationship, and both people are responsible for both good and bad times. Only owning up to the good things, is very narrow minded.
Because people pledged to stay faithful to each other in good and bad times.
What you are missing is no long term partnership stays perfect forever. There are ups and downs. When the downs inevitably come, that's life. Work through it together. If you can't fix it, split. But cheating is never supposed to be the response. It destroys the faithful partner. It's cruel and selfish. Cheating is not just sex, it's lies, disrespect, and disregard of someone else's well being. It destroys trust. It's not a simple mistake or all about the cheaters feelings. There is real damage done to other people.
This is why I don't think you can really make any generalizations about cheating and cheaters. Some people are serial cheaters - like the poster in this thread. He seems to feel no guilt about it whatsoever. I would say people like that should not be in relationships and are solely to blame for their cheating. Then there are people that only cheat once and are overcome by guilt. There are all sorts of cheaters and all sorts of cheating.
Yes, it runs the entire spectrum. However, at the end of the day, if you feel that stepping outside your existing relationship is the only option for you, please let your partner in on this. Perhaps the urgency was not conveyed clearly, or received the way it was intended. Making yourself known may give the necessary wakeup call. If not, dissolving the relationship is also a good option, and perhaps needed, instead of prolonging the agony by compounding it with a web of lies, deception, and possibly even guilt.
Agreed. So many people have a very simplistic view of cheating, including many of the posters on CD. If they are cheated on, they take on the role of saint, believing they are completely blameless in the whole situation. Sometimes they are, but oftentimes they are not. What the cheater is doing is wrong. I am not discounting this. However, oftentimes, the cheated on spouse has neglected the marriage, sexually, emotionally, physically, or in other ways, oftentimes for years. The cheater usually brings up the problems prior to going outside the marriage, because they don't want the marriage to fail. After all, the person married the other person because he/she wanted to build a life with the other. For those of you who say, "Just get divorced," that's an extreme solution as well, is it not? And is it really a solution? What if kids are involved? Divorce is not always the best option. As an aside, I suspect this thread is going to get nasty soon
I agree with you, as this is what I am going through right now. My husband and I have been married only 1 year, and I am already considering divorce. He did not care to show me he loved me by planning dates or gifts on holidays/anniversaries, will only go where he wants to eat/drink, accused me of having a non-existant lover, and punched a hole in our bedroom wall after I accidentally locked him out once. He told me he hates counseling and barely agreed to go this week so I am not hopeful.
In the meantime, there's a guy I have known for years who wants to be with me. I have been seeing him at lunch since my husband punched the hole in our wall and broke my heart. I will not kiss or have sex with him because I am married, but I know that inevitably, I will be getting divorced soon so I don't want to write everyone I meet off in hopes of saving something broken.
I've brought up our marriage issues to my husband and he has not fixed them....he hasn't even fixed the hole he punched in the wall if that is any indication. So here I am, going to secret lunches and praying for a decision on if I can stick it out with an angry husband that I still love or move on and be embarrassed that my marriage of only one year ended...
As the poster quoted stated, oftentimes the cheater brings up the problems and is ignored. I literally cried to my husband this week telling him I just wanted to fix things in counseling and he told me off saying "you gonna go cry to the counselor every time we have a fight? if so this wont work." It's not as cut and dry as people make things out to be. Divorce is a complicated and twisted process...
Because people pledged to stay faithful to each other in good and bad times.
What you are missing is no long term partnership stays perfect forever. There are ups and downs. When the downs inevitably come, that's life. Work through it together. If you can't fix it, split. But cheating is never supposed to be the response. It destroys the faithful partner. It's cruel and selfish. Cheating is not just sex, it's lies, disrespect, and disregard of someone else's well being. It destroys trust. It's not a simple mistake or all about the cheaters feelings. There is real damage done to other people.
I'm not missing anything, I've had plenty of ltr's in my day, to know the ups and downs relationships go through. Some people are unable to get past it, while others are able to work on forgiving. What is important to understand is everyone is different, while you have certain morals, other's may not share the same. So to think it's impossible for any couple to work past it, is narrow minded. Not sure why you think that cheating isn't about sex, while it may mean more to some, for others sex is just sex, strictly for pleasure.
While you may have a relationship with a partner who is willing to work on issues before they get out of control. Others have relationships, where their partner is unwilling to work on things, resisting offers for therapy, or even just sharing conversation about it. They may be emotionally abusive, with manipulation or worse. In long term relationships, one partner may have been told to stay at home, where she loses any sense of independence. She is trapped, and fears that she can't find a way out. Every time she tries to talk, her hubby blows her off, or get pissed, so she has stopped trying. In that situation, I cheating may be her escape, refuge from the sadness of real life. Would you still be so hard on her?
Maybe it's not realistic to think that people can be open minded about how others deal with it. It's not always cut and dry, or some automatic dismissal.
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