Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
If you love him enough to give up motherhood (which is a HUGE sacrifice), do you think he would do the same for you (be a father because it is extremely important to you)? And let's not fool ourselves, there is no guarantee that he will stay around forever. If you give up having kids to be with him, only to be alone again in your late 40s with diminished chance of meeting another guy and having a kid, would you be able to handle that?
Lots of things for you to think through. Obviously it isn't easy to walk away from a relationship with a guy you love.
If I were you though, I'd walk away to find someone who is as scared to lose you as you are scared to lose them.
If it's only responsibility of raising a kid that he is afraid of, perhaps you can come up with some sort of compromise that keeps his parental responsibility and involvement low.
That is far from ideal, for you or for the kid, but if you are able to have a heartfelt face-to-face and work out all the "what ifs" scenarios that you will run into and have a solid plan going forward, you might be able to work something out. And make sure he doesn't change his mind again (really not a fan of that...).
I know it's awhile to be with someone without a proposal but I do consider myself to be a "late bloomer". I don't think I would've been ready after 2 or 3 years. Unfortunately, I'm ready now and he's still not.
BF realized I was not kidding when I told him it was over and I was going to move on. I wasn't either.
One day when he was dying, he asked me if I knew what my "original" engagement ring was. I said "the amethyst" and he nodded "yes". He gave me that 1 year into our relationship but didn't ask if I would marry him. He was a lifelong bachelor and was scared. We ended up being married for 12 wonderful years 18 all together. 24 of knowing each other.
I honestly don't even know if I *really* want kids. I work with children and sometimes it scares the $#@! out of me to have to take care of someone other than myself and cat. But I think I do, and I don't want to regret it if I don't get the opportunity to try.
BF realized I was not kidding when I told him it was over and I was going to move on. I wasn't either.
One day when he was dying, he asked me if I knew what my "original" engagement ring was. I said "the amethyst" and he nodded "yes". He gave me that 1 year into our relationship but didn't ask if I would marry him. He was a lifelong bachelor and was scared. We ended up being married for 12 wonderful years 18 all together. 24 of knowing each other.
I wish you the best of luck.
I don't understand. You moved on but were still married?
I honestly don't even know if I *really* want kids. I work with children and sometimes it scares the $#@! out of me to have to take care of someone other than myself and cat. But I think I do, and I don't want to regret it if I don't get the opportunity to try.
Oh I see. Well, that actually makes it easier because you can always figure out your own wishes better than you are able to read other people's mind.
Take some time to figure out if you want kids: picture your life with no kids (now, in 10 years, in 30 years, after you've retired) for a while and see how that would feel. If you are the kind of person who has a ton of hobbies/friends/take off spontaneously to travel the world, perhaps kids really would cramp your style. If you like stability, more companionship and unconditional love in your old days, then having kids might be for you.
If you ultimately decide that you don't want kids, then great! Everything works out. If you do want kids and still want to stay with him, have a long and serious talk with him. Ask him exactly what his fears are re: kids. Tell him that you can't see your life without him or kids, so here's the plan: you will have a kid together but he doesn't need to play the traditional father, as long as he does love the kid, and can provide his share of the financial responsibility. You will do everything else.
It's not ideal, but you'll both be making sacrifices (instead of just you). If he loves you, he would at least consider it. If he flat out refuses to be a father in any shape or form, after you lay out all the cards on the table to make it easy for him to be a father (while not really being a father), then all bets are off.
I guess if I'm being honest I just have such low self esteem that it's hard to think that I can find someone like that.
Hummm..WHy would you believe you have "Low Self-Esteem"...WHo said that? Self-Esteem is the label's outsider's place on you...After all these years..and obviously it's been discussed..No? I can many reasons for anybody..not just men who think bring children into this world of so much uncertainty..would be unwise...or maybe he thinks giving parental love to those who don't have it..get abandoned...or what ever..Or IS it actually a selfish thing for him..does NOT want to share his social level's and have to give up anything??
I would love to think after 4+ years..you got a sense of that..Are you actually so dependent on him..you are unable to exist on your own ( NOW, that's a problem )...Maybe you need to reconsider your anointing this guy as your soul mate/Love of your life??
I believe your at the age when the "Nesting" need is high..step back and try and understand it?? Counselling..talking it out with trusted friends/family/parents...Sometime's and most time's those who don't actually bare Children do far more for society than those who breed like rabbits..who neglect..use and abuse etc...
You just need to step back and try to be objective...(nearly impossible I know) but IF you have a need for another to look after you..tell you what you want, need for the rest of your life..Then you better accept it..or you will live a life of regret and blame everything on other's even tho you made that bargain...
Best of Luck tho..The Need to procreate is strong..But reality often interferes with that notion
I guess if I'm being honest I just have such low self esteem that it's hard to think that I can find someone like that.
This is the real issue and not him. You know you have been getting the short end of the stick and now you want more and he's still not willing to give you more, actually he's now went to giving less which is his choice however you need to have more pride in yourself and trust that you can and will find someone who values you in the same way you value them.
You're at a good age to walk away in that you still have plenty of time to find someone else and have a family. This guy has decided he doesn't want that with you and he's telling you so it's YOUR decision on whether to continue to waste time with him or not.
He's told you were he stands, respect it and find someone who wants the same things you do. You will only cause resentment if you stick around trying or hoping he will change his mind. He won't and certainly do not have a "accident" do not bring a child into that kind of situation. He's really trying to tell you in a nice way the relationship has no future and you should stay with him only if you are okay with that. Which you're clearly not.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
