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Seriously, it's all well and good to contemplate these things in theory, but in reality we are into whoever we are into. I've been into people who were very experienced, and people for whom I was their first. If it's a factor at all, there is the point I mentioned about my preferences at this point being a bit unusual, so I prefer a man not approach me expecting that whatever has "worked" for "women" he's previously had sex with is going to flip my switches. It probably won't. Just as my favorite partners might not be the bees' knees for all...or even most...women. But there is also the point that if you are someone's first, you get the feeling that they'll never forget you. There's something a bit special about that, at least for me personally.
The one I am with now...virgin, or merely having very little experience...owes his lack of experience to a very strict religious upbringing, which he's only been getting loose from in recent years (he's in his 50's.) He was taught that he had to marry The One and be with her for all of eternity, and between that and not really having a good idea of how to read women's signals and "play the game"...here he is. But he's proving to be one of the best and most interesting lovers I've ever had. And the joy he's taking in having me in his life is phenomenal.
So...adult male virgins, take heart. And above all, don't be bitter. Live life and enjoy what it brings, be open, and be social. If you do, a loving partner is likely to turn up sooner or later.
True. His beliefs would be just as valid as your beliefs, so you basically just go your separate ways.
The issue I have is when non-virgins start making value judgements against virgins, often implying that they are less worthy, less desirable, or flawed in some way. To me it seems arrogant on the part of the non-virgin. Many non-virgins have plenty of shortcomings, issues, and character flaws, yet they have done the one thing that they feel elevates them to Rock Start status, and that is have sex. So, to me, it's like an extension of high school mentality: try very hard to fit in and do what the cool people do, then make fun of and ridicule the one's who are different.
If someone wants to have sex or not, it's really nobody else's business. Go out and sleep around all you want; or don't. If you crave and want sex, go get it. If not, that's fine. But using whether or not someone has had sex by a certain age as some major determinant as to whether that person is normal, sane, mentally healthy, etc, is asinine (in my opinion).
It's always a judgment to turn someone down, for whatever reason. The trouble starts when people start taking "Sorry, but I'm not comfortable with this" or "Sorry, but I don't think we're right for each other" at anything other than face value.
It's a harsh truth that most people hit an age where they start preferring partners with sexual experience. It's also a harsh truth that most people prefer partners who are height-weight proportionate, have a source of income, or, for the under-40 crowd, have a desire to have children.
That's not to say overweight, unemployed, or staunchly kid-free people are unworthy of love and affection, or that they cannot or will not find a partner. It just makes it harder for them.
There are perfectly valid reasons for not wanting to get too involved with someone who has never had sex before, once you hit a certain age or level of experience yourself. I don't think it's really fair for virgins to try to convince non-virgins that their preferences are invalid. You've never had sex, which means you don't know what it's like to be with a virgin, yourself, much less be an experienced person dating a virgin. Those of us who have popped a few cherries in our day know what it's like, and we have every right not to want to pop any more.
Seriously, it's all well and good to contemplate these things in theory, but in reality we are into whoever we are into. I've been into people who were very experienced, and people for whom I was their first. If it's a factor at all, there is the point I mentioned about my preferences at this point being a bit unusual, so I prefer a man not approach me expecting that whatever has "worked" for "women" he's previously had sex with is going to flip my switches. It probably won't. Just as my favorite partners might not be the bees' knees for all...or even most...women. But there is also the point that if you are someone's first, you get the feeling that they'll never forget you. There's something a bit special about that, at least for me personally.
The one I am with now...virgin, or merely having very little experience...owes his lack of experience to a very strict religious upbringing, which he's only been getting loose from in recent years (he's in his 50's.) He was taught that he had to marry The One and be with her for all of eternity, and between that and not really having a good idea of how to read women's signals and "play the game"...here he is. But he's proving to be one of the best and most interesting lovers I've ever had. And the joy he's taking in having me in his life is phenomenal.
So...adult male virgins, take heart. And above all, don't be bitter. Live life and enjoy what it brings, be open, and be social. If you do, a loving partner is likely to turn up sooner or later.
This is what I don't understand. If I'm attracted to someone, they are a good person, and we click, why would I care if they are a virgin? It seems weird to me to write someone off for something so sophomoric.
This is what I don't understand. If I'm attracted to someone, they are a good person, and we click, why would I care if they are a virgin? It seems weird to me to write someone off for something so sophomoric.
I suppose it's similar to when you reach a certain age and have a house, career, and money in the bank and you meet someone your age who is still pursuing a degree and living with their parents. If you're REALLY into them, you might give them a shot- otherwise, you'd probably prefer someone on your level.
Eh, I don't think anyone can know for sure that someone is a virgin unless you outright say so. Besides, one can easily just say that they haven't "done it" in a while.
There's plenty of people in their mid 20's-late 20's that are virgins in all likelihood, they just may have never told you.
True. I guess I should rephrase that to include the fact that based on the people I tend to hang out with and know very well and there social circles(like attracts like) none of them are virgins. So since I do hang out with these groups the most and interact with their groups the chance of meeting a virgin in my age range within any of these social circles is going to be extremely minimal for me.
I also agree that most people cannot tell outright what someone's sexual experience is. Since I was 13 men have made assumptions about me sexually that have been incorrect. Up until I was 17 I remember having to argue with men because when I said I was still a virgin they did not believe me. They said that I was thick and had hips and head a look and vibe of a girl that was experienced. Never mind that I was shy. Then once I did have sex and with such a minimal amount of men when I meet men or go out on dared they assume that I'm a "bad" girl or overtly sexual again despite the fact that I'm clearly shy and have been with less than 3 men. One of my friends told me that I have the misfortune of having a sex appeal or sexy type of look that comes off no matter how shy or conservative I dress. He termed it the Megan good look--women that look sexy no matter what they do that tend to seem overly sexual and slutty even if they are not.
On the other side I believe that especially for male virgins the assumption is that they are unattractive or awkward or have a social defect that makes it so that as soon as people see them you can tell that they haven't boned. Now is this true? I have no idea. As I don't personally know any guys that are still Virgins. I do know plenty of men, however that are awkward, not conventionally attractive and may even be on the spectrum that have had sex-these are some of the married men at my job, or guys I've seen making out with their girlfriends. So everything can be deceiving. It is difficult to tell just from a few interactions or an appearance if someone is a virgin.
As for the whole "it's been a while"-yes that could work depending on the women and the man and how it goes. I know some of my friends that are highly experienced that would tell you they could tell(they've told me this) and others who may chalk it up to performance anxiety, or it actually being too long, or whatever else could be another possible explanation for what may feel like an awkward inexperienced sexual encounter.
I do know many women that are still virgins in their twenties. My youngest sister will be 24 next year and she has never had a boyfriend or had sex. Meanwhile I popped out a kid at 24 so that disconnect is real lol!!!! I don't know if she wants to have it or not. I just know that for myself when I was ready to bone it was like a pot of water that was boiling to the point of seeping out-I could not ignore the urge for anything and with time it grew like a mf. So for those that have remained virgins well into their twenties and thirties I suppose that would be my disconnect-not understanding what it is like to never have done it even as an adult in a sex crazed society where most people have already done it and talk about it often.
I did not know there was a war between virgins and non virgins because I admit in ignorance I assumed that most people were not virgins by the time they reached 25--unless religious. Now that I am aware I honestly can say that it isn't a huge deal breaker for me but that the men that often approach me and that I end up dating are far from being virgins. If a virgin approached me I don't believe I would rule him out as long as he's packing and meets the criteria I have. *shrugs*
I do know many women that are still virgins in their twenties. My youngest sister will be 24 next year and she has never had a boyfriend or had sex. Meanwhile I popped out a kid at 24 so that disconnect is real lol!!!! I don't know if she wants to have it or not. I just know that for myself when I was ready to bone it was like a pot of water that was boiling to the point of seeping out-I could not ignore the urge for anything and with time it grew like a mf. So for those that have remained virgins well into their twenties and thirties I suppose that would be my disconnect-not understanding what it is like to never have done it even as an adult in a sex crazed society where most people have already done it and talk about it often.
I did not know there was a war between virgins and non virgins because I admit in ignorance I assumed that most people were not virgins by the time they reached 25--unless religious. Now that I am aware I honestly can say that it isn't a huge deal breaker for me but that the men that often approach me and that I end up dating are far from being virgins. If a virgin approached me I don't believe I would rule him out as long as he's packing and meets the criteria I have. *shrugs*
I was used war as a metaphor for people firing shots at each other on both sides lol. Your younger sister and I are similar in that respect, but I have had people make assumptions about my sexuality (which I think is REALLY strange) simply because of how I look. They quickly change their minds, however when they actually get to know me. According to them I give off a "naive" vibe which in their mind indicates "innocence." Sometimes my personality and friendly nature makes it harder for them believe my current situation.
My disconnect with people is when they voice their frustration or attribute their attitude problems to not having any sex. I have also heard that silly stereotype that sex makes you thicker. That is where a lot of people lose me. Like for example: people I have encountered would talk about how they got wild after their first times, and how strong their urges were even when they were virgins. I understand the urges perfectly but I never wanted to sleep with someone I didn't like to satisfy those urges. So there is a disconnect there as well.
I just figured the way I felt about it was different from others but I did find some of their experiences strange but I didn't/don't discredit them. Like you stated in that other thread about some people's libidos not being that high and how some people have set on their priority list. Deep down I know I want something more meaningful than an ONS or a casual encounter so that helps keep me in check despite the fact that sex is a big thing in our society. I felt odd about it for a while but I kind of just accepted it.
I'm not really too worried about it. Attracting men isn't hard for me, even if it was I doubt my outlook would change. If I come across someone I like, I will go from there. If not, that's cool too. The prospect of being alone and not being intimate doesn't bother me.
I was used war as a metaphor for people firing shots at each other on both sides lol. Your younger sister and I are similar in that respect, but I have had people make assumptions about my sexuality (which I think is REALLY strange) simply because of how I look. They quickly change their minds, however when they actually get to know me. According to them I give off a "naive" vibe which in their mind indicates "innocence." Sometimes my personality and friendly nature makes it harder for them believe my current situation.
My disconnect with people is when they voice their frustration or attribute their attitude problems to not having any sex. I have also heard that silly stereotype that sex makes you thicker. That is where a lot of people lose me. Like for example: people I have encountered would talk about how they got wild after their first times, and how strong their urges were even when they were virgins. I understand the urges perfectly but I never wanted to sleep with someone I didn't like to satisfy those urges. So there is a disconnect there as well.
I just figured the way I felt about it was different from others but I did find some of their experiences strange but I didn't/don't discredit them. Like you stated in that other thread about some people's libidos not being that high and how some people have set on their priority list. Deep down I know I want something more meaningful than an ONS or a casual encounter so that helps keep me in check despite the fact that sex is a big thing in our society. I felt odd about it for a while but I kind of just accepted it.
I'm not really too worried about it. Attracting men isn't hard for me, even if it was I doubt my outlook would change. If I come across someone I like, I will go from there. If not, that's cool too. The prospect of being alone and not being intimate doesn't bother me.
Well at least people change their minds when they get to know you, sadly this is not the case for me, with the rise of video vixens or women with builds similar to Kim k men almost expect you to be a freak that's been around. So my problem has always been that--I look like the type of girls that are currently represented in black media as sex symbols. This means that no matter how much they get to know me, they doubt it. Your lucky in that you are still treated with respect and don't have to be as defensive about it. I actually think it's common for men to assume women have had sex, even when they have not--because other women have had similar experiences. I especially believe that men believe any attractive woman has had sex by the time they've left college--so there's that too. What I dislike is that men don't just assume I've had sex, but that I've been around the block and that the assumption is largely based on me being thick or looking a certain way that is often associated with video vixen women.
The myth about sex making you bigger is a myth to me as well. My skinny friends remained skinny after it lol. Any ways you remind me of my sister a lot actually. She likes anime too and while she attracts male attention she's never had a bf, so I've often assumed that she just hasn't attracted the type of man she mutually wants which would then result in dating and a possible relationship and sex. Until that happens she has the same perspective as you-it doesn't seem to bother her.
I think that's a good attitude to have especially when it isn't a focus in your life. Just because everyone else does it, doesn't mean something is wrong with you for not doing it. We all are different and we all aren't operating on the same timelines. None of my sisters friends have had sex or relationships either. So I dint believe it's as uncommon as people believe. I admit that my ignorance is because socially I tend to hang out with people that date and bone a lot. I'm actually considered strange to them because as high as my libido is I choose not to sleep around and am not willing to put out with anyone just because I have an urge. Sometimes I will admit I think about discarding my beliefs about sex and just doing it for the technical purpose to get off due to the people I hang out with and the pressure so I always get curious about Virgins lol.
The other thread about 40-year old virgins has me curious about when exactly a person's virginity goes from being "okay" to "not okay". So, if you're of the mindset that virgins become unworthy of your interest/time after they hit a certain age, what age would that be, and why?
Also, just for clarity, by "virgin" I mean p-in-v sex. The person could have had any number of other kinds of sexual experiences. This is how I had interpreted the other thread so I just want to make sure I'm understanding everyone's perspective on this.
And finally, the other thread was specifically about men but I'm interested in hearing about everyone's preferences, so feel free to comment on both sexes.
There is no time frame, per se. Generally, people do best in the sexual realm with partners who are about the same in experience as themselves. Virgins should stick with other virgins or relatively inexperienced partners.
I doubt most people who have 15 years or so experience in the sexual realm are going to want to take the amount of time it is going to take a virgin to get up to speed. However, another virgin or someone with very little experience will probably be fine with it.
I doubt most people who have 15 years or so experience in the sexual realm are going to want to take the amount of time it is going to take a virgin to get up to speed.
I don't understand why the notion of this is so insulting to some of the virgins on this thread. They may not want to believe this, but those who said an experienced partner can tell when someone is not experienced are spot on, and it really does take time to get someone "up to speed," as you put it.
It's not all that different from working on cars. The first one requires that you learn some basics about parts and operation. After that, then you can get to the particulars of each make and model.
The exceptions are people who have done everything but--but usually those folks end up going all the way sooner rather than later once they start getting naked in bed with people. It's not like they're going to hang on to a technicality for 20 years.
There is no time frame, per se. Generally, people do best in the sexual realm with partners who are about the same in experience as themselves. Virgins should stick with other virgins or relatively inexperienced partners.
I doubt most people who have 15 years or so experience in the sexual realm are going to want to take the amount of time it is going to take a virgin to get up to speed. However, another virgin or someone with very little experience will probably be fine with it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JasperJade
I don't understand why the notion of this is so insulting to some of the virgins on this thread. They may not want to believe this, but those who said an experienced partner can tell when someone is not experienced are spot on, and it really does take time to get someone "up to speed," as you put it.
It's not all that different from working on cars. The first one requires that you learn some basics about parts and operation. After that, then you can get to the particulars of each make and model.
The exceptions are people who have done everything but--but usually those folks end up going all the way sooner rather than later once they start getting naked in bed with people. It's not like they're going to hang on to a technicality for 20 years.
I still disagree with all of this. I'm very experienced, and I have not an ounce of shame on that score. I've been with men and women who were very experienced, and who were very inexperienced. The ones that stand out the most to me as being incredible lovers, most of them were very inexperienced men. About a quarter of the rather large number of partners I've had, were virgins prior to me. It was something of a hobby in high school. I enjoy blowing my partner's mind, and so I had a great time with these boys. I was kinky even then. It was to the point that prior lovers would bring friends they found out were virgins, to my house, to see if I'd take care of them. Usually, I did, because it was fun and I wanted to.
Obviously I'm not most people...but people who come by significant levels of experience might have a different outlook on the subject. I've known experienced men who liked virgin women, too.
Also, when it comes to men, inexperience does NOT equal lack of skill. You'd be surprised how quickly a man can adjust fire on his technique when he really, really wants to please the woman he's in bed with. If he's perceptive and attentive, which is somewhat likely since he's excited to be there in the first place, and if he doesn't assume it should be just like what he's seen in porn (which is a problem with experienced men, too) then he can be a really great partner. It helps if the more experienced one is comfortable communicating preferences, too.
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