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I think she saw her clock ticking, and I was Mr. Good Enough to father her child or children. Then life happened and messed up her plans. So, naturally, it's my fault. She cannot get over that issue. So, instead of working with me on this issue, for the last 1.5 years, she's been reluctant, distant and basically cold towards me. Which, again, works against her goal of becoming pregnant. The only thing she continues to say is my numbers were perfect. I would had gotten pregnant if we tried from 38 - 40. I am not over 40 and have to do this IVF because of you, and I resent you for putting me in this position. Keep in mind, we did try several times when she was 38 and 39, but she didn't get pregnant, so then, it's my fault for stalling and delaying. Because all people who stall and delay go to ERs and have the power to cause family members to pass on. So, she has an answer to everything, where it's her bad decisions, and my fault for stalling and delaying. Which, makes not one bit of logical sense.
This ^^^ is the most logical thought.
Don't fall for any ridiculous suggestions that you didn't "romance her enough," and I really doubt things were "rosy" in the beginning.
When people have desires that they aren't necessarily even aware of, like her apparently overwhelming need to be a mother, it can make them make less-than-ideal decisions, like marrying Mr Good Enough.
The stress that y'all have been through reveals the weaknesses in those types of relationships.
I think she saw her clock ticking, and I was Mr. Good Enough to father her child or children. Then life happened and messed up her plans. So, naturally, it's my fault. She cannot get over that issue. So, instead of working with me on this issue, for the last 1.5 years, she's been reluctant, distant and basically cold towards me. Which, again, works against her goal of becoming pregnant. The only thing she continues to say is my numbers were perfect. I would had gotten pregnant if we tried from 38 - 40. I am not over 40 and have to do this IVF because of you, and I resent you for putting me in this position. Keep in mind, we did try several times when she was 38 and 39, but she didn't get pregnant, so then, it's my fault for stalling and delaying. Because all people who stall and delay go to ERs and have the power to cause family members to pass on. So, she has an answer to everything, where it's her bad decisions, and my fault for stalling and delaying. Which, makes not one bit of logical sense.
- Sure, when they don't love you but are still trying to go through the motions of a relationship, they get resentful, and just want to argue and nag, and have a bad, if not terrible attitude. This is obviously what you are experiencing. It sounds like you are heading toward divorce, unfortunately.
I think you may have uncovered the real problem yourself.
Sometimes, people get married for reasons other than love - the good reason. They sometimes have an agenda. We call these marriages arrangements, marriages of convenience.
When it comes to women, common agendas for getting married are (not in any particular order):
1) for security... in other words, golddiggers.
2) Because they have a wonderful friend who happens to be a man, they wish for a married life, and they don't have a real love interest on their radar at the moment.
3) It sounds like your wife has the third type of agenda - she got married primarily because she wanted a baby. You checked all the boxes and she had not real love interest on the horizon, so you were good enough. Now that she's not getting the payoff, her baby, she is stuck in a dead-end marriage, as far as she is concerned. So, now she is just plain frustrated.
Romantic relationships and marriages take work. It takes work to relate to a person well day in and day out. The love they feel for that partner is the payoff for that work. Yet, when they don't love their partner, just like a job where the boss withholds the paycheck, they get resentful and want to quit. In the case of marriage, this means they eventually want a divorce.
Since an agenda other than love is not enough glue to hold it together, not enough payoff to do the work necessary in a relationship, she's feeling a deficit, and getting angry about it.
This does not mean she's a bad person..... many women feel the strong, driving urge to have a baby. She just forgot how important love is. Many people forget how important love is. Even counselors seldom talk about love and love levels. But without love, all you are is roommates.
I'm really sorry to give you the bad news.... but, it seems like this woman never really loved you from the beginning. It happens a lot. If she never deeply loved you and only had the baby agenda, counseling will likely do nothing; while sometimes love can be rebuilt when things go wrong in a relationship, you can't rebuild if there was never love at the beginning, if there was no foundation.
Maybe it's a blessing in disguise that she's too depressed to want sex now, because no child should be brought into the current situation. And having a child won't miraculously resolve her depression and make her feel better (I don't know if that's what she's thinking, but she might.)
It's not too late for her to have a child. The early 40's are fine, if she doesn't mind having a kid at home, finishing HS when she's 60. People do it, and it turns out fine. But your wife has other challenges to surmount right now.
What if she, struggling from depression and low self esteem for years, was not able to create a viable relationship. Then she found you, married you, not because she loved you, but because she thought you were her LAST CHANCE to get pregnant?
Not that you aren't a catch. But that she has never been able to take responsibility for her self and will always and forever find someone else to blame for her unhappiness?
I'm glad the counselor suggested one on one with her. Hope it helps, but I don't have much hope for your ability to fix this relationship on your own.
You definitely need marriage counseling. It is so unfair she blames you for her not getting pregnant. She is 40! There is a big possibility she has fertility problems.
Also, relationship or marriage will not survive if one thinks the other person must make them happy. It does not work that way. She feels unhappy and miserable and wants you to fix the problem to make her happy. If she feels that way she will never be happy with you or any other man.
If she really had wanted to get preggers she would have been asking you to be boinking day in and day out, cycle be darned.
Thought that too. However, why then avoid intimacy altogether? It just doesn't make sense; logical or emotional. She then kids around at time saying I will leave once my baby is here. But, she's been putting off IVF and abstaining from sex. Even though, she knows we need to slowly try to get back into things with sex. I am so confused.
This is such a sad story. The OP sounds like a good guy. Maybe if his wife gets help for her depression, things might improve. (Hoping against hope, here.)
Not that it matters, but this sounds like the same issue/couple and not two different ones
From what's written, it sounds like yours and your wife's priorities are different. She appears to be more focused on children than the relationship, and you visa versa.
Unless you both get in sync, regardless of the direction, the relationship will be very hard to hold together.
Before I went to couples counseling I probably would have not recommended it, but since I've been I highly recommend it. Mending a relationship with no mediator when issues are very sticky is a recipe for disaster. Therapy really is a comfort zone. It's amazing what you end up saying in therapy, and it is therapeutic as well as eye-opening.
Last edited by metalmancpa; 01-09-2016 at 03:02 PM..
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