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Yeah, I haven't seen her or a few other regular CD chat thread posters from way back. Good for them. I've been scaling back my CD use a bit over the years, but I'd like to ween myself off completely at some point. CD is about the only social media that I really use. I'm on FB but not much. I was on twitter for five minutes, that place is way too toxic.
Social media is most certainly is a double edged sword in some ways, particularly for younger people. Younger people don't get that a lot of what you see on social media isn't always real or is exaggerated etc etc.
Many people's live aren't nearly as interesting or as fabulous and many people tend to portray.
I had a two year induced sabbatical. Which was fine. I was okay with that. I deserved it. I had no intention on returning. Anyway, after the sentence I started getting email notifications. That annoyed me. Anyway, I logged in for the first time in two years. Saw that not much changed.
I decided, for the more part, not to engage. If I could offer something that was fine. If not I would move on. Also, I try not to divulge too much information about myself.
I had a two year induced sabbatical. Which was fine. I was okay with that. I deserved it. I had no intention on returning. Anyway, after the sentence I started getting email notifications. That annoyed me. Anyway, I logged in for the first time in two years. Saw that not much changed.
I decided, for the more part, not to engage. If I could offer something that was fine. If not I would move on. Also, I try not to divulge too much information about myself.
This post made me wonder if there was a sort of golden age period for CD.
I've participated in online message boards for a while, and when some of the other sites I frequented folded, somehow ended up here. I kind of like the anonymous camaraderie of these communities, but have lately felt like city data isn't the best fit for me. I know we're not supposed to talk about moderation, and they have an extremely tough job that they're not getting paid for, but sometimes it feels like you get slapped on the wrist for an innocuous comment while other posters are being blatantly racist or sexist or otherwise problematic with no consequences. I don't delve into the more controversial forums, but there are a lot of people in the TV/Movie threads who are legitimately upset that they have to see gay couples and mixed race families in pop culture.
This post made me wonder if there was a sort of golden age period for CD.
If so, you're probably lookin' at it.
I actually think that a lot of things have gotten better, though I guess that's in the eye of the beholder. Eventually a Mod will get tired of the SAME OLD EXACT ARGUMENT happening yet again that always results in a flame war and they add to the sticky and those threads stop showing up or get shut down instantly.
Because we used to have (years ago) plenty of threads in Relationships that used questions of what is "attractive" as vehicles to haul nastiness aimed at heavy people, short people, people of color, women, men, you name it. This is where I first learned about incels and they used to be far, far more plentiful and we had endless screeds trying to persuade us that there was a great Movement (I always thought, "Yeah, it's a movement alright. Can we flush it already?") that they needed to recruit men to... That used to be far, far more pervasive.
Some of the posters who showed up for that in the past got banned or moved on when their shenanigans stopped being allowed. A few create new usernames and pop back up from time to time, only to get shut down again and again. And some who were perhaps a bit more genuine in their positions (rather than just being here to stir up arguments for funsies) drifted off to other subforums to discuss other interests.
And some who used to be very angry and difficult, some few, even experienced considerable and observable personal growth and seem (at least in my opinion) to be far healthier people mentally and emotionally, today.
But some areas of the site are frankly, in my opinion, just as bad as they ever were...but at least the admins make an effort to keep them reasonably contained. Well. One in particular, I'd say.
At some point I came to REALLY appreciate the mods on this site. Because they've got a tricky line to walk, trying to be at least somewhat objective and not exercising an agenda to stifle reasonable voices, but they had to try and steer this place around the pitfalls that caused problems for the chans and reddits of this world. I think they've done pretty well.
I've participated in online message boards for a while, and when some of the other sites I frequented folded, somehow ended up here. I kind of like the anonymous camaraderie of these communities, but have lately felt like city data isn't the best fit for me. I know we're not supposed to talk about moderation, and they have an extremely tough job that they're not getting paid for, but sometimes it feels like you get slapped on the wrist for an innocuous comment while other posters are being blatantly racist or sexist or otherwise problematic with no consequences. I don't delve into the more controversial forums, but there are a lot of people in the TV/Movie threads who are legitimately upset that they have to see gay couples and mixed race families in pop culture.
Yeah, I've seen some views that I recoiled from, too, but I personally kinda feel like... /sigh... I dunno, I find SOME value in being real about the fact that there's still some of that out there.
Like, I can and often do surround myself with the "like minded" right? And if I feel that my friends are all pretty progressive, and I've got some 500+ of them on Facebook for instance where there's a lot of selection bias, it is way too easy for me to forget that there's a significant portion of "regular ol' America" that is...like that.
And I need to craft my arguments against them. And hold both ideas at the same time, that progress has been made and YET the fight ain't over. I don't want to make the error of thinking that the awfulness is confined to a tiny fringe that no one ever sees or hears, or that they are powerless.
Let me be frank, when 45 was elected, I felt a shock. I did not disbelieve the results, but I felt like half of my country were not the people I'd assumed... How many male strangers passed me by in the world who heard the "grab 'em" comment and grinned, nodded, laughed? Was I even safe? I felt literally betrayed. And during his time in office I guess I resigned myself to the idea that my country hasn't come as far as I'd hoped. Things I thought were a done deal, like gay marriage, are not safely enshrined in law beyond anyone's ability to challenge. I can't just sit back and take anything for granted if we could get dragged back to 1920 or worse. Having these voices be allowed to speak...at least if they are not simply trolling, but seem to be stating their actual position... In a way it keeps me focused and motivates me to civic engagement.
City Data skews a lot older, more conservative, and more rural than a lot of the online communities I've been a part of. And that can be good, that I'm not in an echo chamber of people just like me and we can communicate and find common ground. But that doesn't keep me from making an face when someone posts something that's not even trying to hide how bigoted they are.
I've participated in online message boards for a while, and when some of the other sites I frequented folded, somehow ended up here. I kind of like the anonymous camaraderie of these communities, but have lately felt like city data isn't the best fit for me. I know we're not supposed to talk about moderation, and they have an extremely tough job that they're not getting paid for, but sometimes it feels like you get slapped on the wrist for an innocuous comment while other posters are being blatantly racist or sexist or otherwise problematic with no consequences. I don't delve into the more controversial forums, but there are a lot of people in the TV/Movie threads who are legitimately upset that they have to see gay couples and mixed race families in pop culture.
You seem like one of the most civil people here; it's hard to imagine you getting busted. I disagree with you occasionally and I always feel a bit bad pulling your quote to argue against when others are making a similar point, but I do so because you've made the better, more respectful argument and it gives me something cogent to respond to.
I'm probably a couple of missteps from being banned altogether. My rap sheet is long, mostly for attacking people or calling out their identities (the car salesman, the Asian looking guy with the priest fetish), with a line or two for trying to undermine the censor. I've always been guilty, and I've never felt guilt or remorse for my actions. I knew I was running afoul of the rules here and the mods were doing their job.
I guess boards like this have a golden age, or maybe several depending on your perspective. I know for me having been here for almost 9 years I've gone from being new to being something like established to.....? I guess in terms of what I get and what I contribute here I peaked 3-4 years ago, if that can be called a "golden age".
I've talked privately about cutting back here or leaving altogether and I have for a month or two a couple of times. It's never been about the people here. It's been about feeling a little like I've stayed too long, but also about how I use this place. I spend most of my time in the relationship forum, and I think I'm there trying to re-write my early relationship history. Not altering the facts, sordid as they are, but maybe my perspective or tone. It can be tough to look at my own experience objectively, so reading about some of the current or past issues people discuss here looks like an opportunity to see my own experience more clearly. But looks turn out to be deceiving.
Because the experiences that most resemble mine are pretty polarizing here and I take a side. Young men who can't meet their own needs, a task no one really doubts is made more difficult, sometimes considerably more difficult by factors they can't change, and then made impossible by their failure to accept those factors and the difficulties they cause and to make the most of what works for them. The serenity prayer with the added suggestion to game the system in your favor when you can. Or maybe that's "changing what you can"?
Isn't that always the answer though? For those men or the less common women (commenting here, not necessarily less common in fact) lamenting their inability to connect? I knew that before I came here. I knew it in some nascent way when I was young and hopelessly helpless. I know it now.
I don't think I like that answer, though, because I'm still searching for another one.
City Data skews a lot older, more conservative, and more rural than a lot of the online communities I've been a part of. And that can be good, that I'm not in an echo chamber of people just like me and we can communicate and find common ground. But that doesn't keep me from making an face when someone posts something that's not even trying to hide how bigoted they are.
I think that is why they (the "lot older, more conservative, and more rural') feel so emboldened to spew their really horrible views on CD - because their views are embraced here. There are few online communities where such dated, racist, anti-poors views can be aired without fear. The anonymity is a big bonus for them. You know that not one of them would have the guts to say these things in public or in the faces of the people they hold in such bitter contempt.
Almost every day, a new thread pops up trash talking the states they see as "beneath" them, and ironically they see CA as some impoverished hell hole full of welfare queens, thieves (of course they are talking about POC, make no mistake) and homeless people. They talk trash about every facet of Californian life, and are apparently in complete denial about the realities, such as the draw it has on everyone (most of the beachfront property in my area is rented out to wannabes from out of state, where their trust fund families pay for their "California dream"), Harry and Megan relocated to Montecito from their royal set-up in GB, even both of Obama's daughters are living in CA now.
People are pointing fingers from such "dream come true" locales such as Detroit, complaining about the urban decay in Los Angeles. The irony, right? A modest bungalow home in Compton would cost at least 10X more than whatever palatial home they might have in Detroit. It is an effort for them to self-soothe at their own lot in life by trying to disparage the state that's so wealthy it runs circles around their own net-loss (federally) states.
I recently read a thread on another website in a nursing forum, and they revealed that other states deal with their homeless veterans by prompting them to relocate to CA. They mentioned the state of Indiana specifically. After they are treated in a VA hospital, their outpatient process for those who are homeless includes advising them to move to CA. There is now a tent city sprouted up in West LA close to the VA hospital and I'd bet dollars for donuts that most of them are not originally from CA.
While our whole country is running aground, they are digging in deeper into their party lines of demarcation. When I try to suggest that they are being tricked into seeing their fellow citizens as their enemy so the fat cats can make off unbothered with their full-scale wealth appropriation, they double down with personal attacks and wild accusations. Since they are the oldest generation around, they are slowly on their way out - which is little help, but at least the racist vitriol will ebb away. The thing is, most of them aren't as well off financially as they believe themselves to be, and they will leave little to no estate for their children and grandchildren.
They were born on third base and thought they hit a triple. It's like Trump's comment about the small loan his dad gave him. They talk about how the current generations don't have a work ethic, they don't "bootstrap" their way up like you're supposed to. When, in my area, a starter home goes for just shy of $1 million, and the average starting salary is around $35-40k, not to mention the cost of higher education, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that they have no fighting chance.
Offline there are some things you want to ask with friends and family, but you are reluctant because if you did, it might hurt your relationship with them, here though these types of conversations do come up and you can flush out why people believe what they believe, or just how to talk more thoughtfully about these subjects. I have had some really productive conversations with women who were sexually assaulted or molested just about how to interact and discuss those matters more thoughtfully and I thought those conversations were very beneficial to me. Again, to all of the people who taught me so much here, thank you!
I would also say that there are certain questions I wonder about say why women are making the choices they are making. Here there is a really wide group of very different women to get feedback from and because it is anonymous and there isn't a perception that I am asking this type of question as a ploy to date them, I feel like you can find pretty good answers to those types of questions, and I think this site is useful for that.
Where the site gets more mixed is that I think some people here are dealing with some mental health issues both in the people asking questions and in answering them. There are some people who I think on net are benefiting from there time here because it's helping them to become better socialized. But there are other people who the more time they spend here the more they are just strengthening their pre-existing dysfunctional views about the other gender. I don't think these people are helping themselves nor anyone else either. There are people who aren't here to help, as much as here to tear down and punish others. There are other people who seem to get repeatedly attacked by the misanthropes who I also think would be better off just not posting here. Those are the threads that make me wonder if I should post here.
There are also the people here who come to vent. I actually think that this is a good place to do that. Just the same I do find myself getting annoyed by some of the same people continuing to complain about the same things. I find myself thinking, it's not everyone else, your problem is you, own your issues and work on them. Really though that problem is me - this is a place where people should be able to vent and if I am getting annoyed that they are doing that too much, then I am spending too much time here.
Just wanted to pop in and say that I have enjoyed reading the recent comments here. I like to read about all of this group's experiences and see what you have to say. Although I don't always agree with everyone (of course), and there are a few posters that make me shake my head, it is an interesting place to hang out in
So, thank you!
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face when someone posts something that's not even trying to hide how bigoted they are.
