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Either she is one great liar and you aren't smart enough and/or your detective abilities are too woefully inadequate to out her.....or........she is telling the truth and you are suffering from a stage of super paranoia and should check with a mental health expert.
If you don't think it's you, spend the money and hire a good P.I.
If it's you and paranoia, the problem is, if a pro investigates and tells you she's totally innocent, you're not going to believe them either.
That would be the point where you have to see a psychiatrist for suitable medication .
Either she is one great liar and you aren't smart enough and/or your detective abilities are too woefully inadequate to out her.....or........she is telling the truth and you are suffering from a stage of super paranoia and should check with a mental health expert.
If you don't think it's you, spend the money and hire a good P.I.
If it's you and paranoia, the problem is, if a pro investigates and tells you she's totally innocent, you're not going to believe them either.
That would be the point where you have to see a psychiatrist for suitable medication .
Believe me Iam not mental,or have paranoia,maybe Iam not the best detective.I wish this was a bad dream.
Wow. This would make me doubt my own perceptions. She's really smooth! She had explanations for everything? For the pregnancy test, for not being where she said she was on so many occasions?
Did you tell us earlier that sex with her suddenly got a lot better, more exciting? Is that when you think she started an affair? Was it a bit after that, when you started noticing she couldn't be found in places she said she had gone?
Wow, OP. Words fail me. I guess she's now left you with no choice but to divorce, if you're sure about your interpretation of the situation. Consider getting some counseling for yourself, so you'll have someone to talk to about all this. This is traumatic.
Thanks for the responds.Yes the sex got a million times better after she started the affair,she did so many other things and was really into it,and really loved it.Things that were not in her menu of love making.So Iam only guessing these things were introduced to her by her lover,and she really loved it and passed on to me.Or she did all this x-tra sex with me because she was trying to make herself feel better for what she has done to me.Also no she has not left me,she still wants to be married.Of corse,why would she leave,she has everything in the world for her.This is her secret little world that she is doing.
I don't think you are dumb; I think you are human. For that matter; I don't think poorly of your wife either
You are going to be incapable of "investigating" her because you don't really want to know the truth.
You will actually try to talk yourself out of believing what is right in front of your face.
Your wife knows this. In fact; she's counting on it.
The sex got better because another man desired her thus making her feel sexy. When a woman feels more sexy she feels more sexual. This does not imply that you were not "enough" for her. You have been together a long time. It's kind of like a guy wondering if he's really attractive or not & having his mom say "Most handsome boy EVER!"
Because; well, it's your mom ...Thats why married women who gain weight start to have such low libido even if the husband tells them "It doesn't bother me; I still think your sexy". A woman thinks "I'm not sexy & I know it; why are you blowing smoke up my *ss?" Not Sexy = Not Sexual.
It may get worse before it gets better. Women have this way of seeing men through rose colored glasses. Men are much better at having affairs than women in that they usually have no intention of leaving the wife (even though they will tell the GF otherwise).
Unfortunately; she may have some delusions of "riding off into the sunset" with plan B.
Plan B won't last but she may leave you first before this happens. I'll bet you $100 that if she leaves you for him she will come crying back to you.
You are looking at your options the wrong way. You see: Option A: Married to a monogamous wife. Option B: Married to a Hypergamous wife & Option C: Divorced.
Wrong. You only have options B & C. The Option A's ship has sailed.
Personally; I don't think Plan B is going to last very long & as your wife must be in at least her late 40's there may not be another Plan B.
If you want to wait it out & see; thats ok but know that if you do it will be YOU that winds up being the destructive force in this marriage.
I doubt you will be able to "get over it". She won't give you enough time to get over it. If you act insecure & you get in a fight, she will say "But that was in the past!"
You'd be surprised at how recently "in the past" can be.
Every dumb thing a couple can argue about will turn full-circle into an argument about her infidelity. 5 years from now; if you forgot to take out the trash, the argument will escalate into her being a "cheating w***e".
You will have insecurities about every man that talks to her & you will use the term "buddy" more times than in your entire lifetime. Example "Who was on the phone; was that your BUDDY?" "Who was that guy you just smiled at? Your BUDDY?"
Well; thats all I have time for right now; I'm a "hunt & peck" typist & I start to annoy myself after a while.
Oh; one more thing ... Pregnancy test are frequently sold in double-packs; it does not mean anything, don't let that distract you. Also; my youngest is a post-vasectomy baby. His dad had been shooting blanks until he met me, over 15 years later.
I don't think you are dumb; I think you are human. For that matter; I don't think poorly of your wife either
You are going to be incapable of "investigating" her because you don't really want to know the truth.
You will actually try to talk yourself out of believing what is right in front of your face.
Your wife knows this. In fact; she's counting on it.
The sex got better because another man desired her thus making her feel sexy. When a woman feels more sexy she feels more sexual. This does not imply that you were not "enough" for her. You have been together a long time. It's kind of like a guy wondering if he's really attractive or not & having his mom say "Most handsome boy EVER!"
Because; well, it's your mom ...Thats why married women who gain weight start to have such low libido even if the husband tells them "It doesn't bother me; I still think your sexy". A woman thinks "I'm not sexy & I know it; why are you blowing smoke up my *ss?" Not Sexy = Not Sexual.
It may get worse before it gets better. Women have this way of seeing men through rose colored glasses. Men are much better at having affairs than women in that they usually have no intention of leaving the wife (even though they will tell the GF otherwise).
Unfortunately; she may have some delusions of "riding off into the sunset" with plan B.
Plan B won't last but she may leave you first before this happens. I'll bet you $100 that if she leaves you for him she will come crying back to you.
You are looking at your options the wrong way. You see: Option A: Married to a monogamous wife. Option B: Married to a Hypergamous wife & Option C: Divorced.
Wrong. You only have options B & C. The Option A's ship has sailed.
Personally; I don't think Plan B is going to last very long & as your wife must be in at least her late 40's there may not be another Plan B.
If you want to wait it out & see; thats ok but know that if you do it will be YOU that winds up being the destructive force in this marriage.
I doubt you will be able to "get over it". She won't give you enough time to get over it. If you act insecure & you get in a fight, she will say "But that was in the past!"
You'd be surprised at how recently "in the past" can be.
Every dumb thing a couple can argue about will turn full-circle into an argument about her infidelity. 5 years from now; if you forgot to take out the trash, the argument will escalate into her being a "cheating w***e".
You will have insecurities about every man that talks to her & you will use the term "buddy" more times than in your entire lifetime. Example "Who was on the phone; was that your BUDDY?" "Who was that guy you just smiled at? Your BUDDY?"
Well; thats all I have time for right now; I'm a "hunt & peck" typist & I start to annoy myself after a while.
Oh; one more thing ... Pregnancy test are frequently sold in double-packs; it does not mean anything, don't let that distract you. Also; my youngest is a post-vasectomy baby. His dad had been shooting blanks until he met me, over 15 years later.
Thank you for all the kind words.And caring enough to post it
I have read all of the posts and have so much swirling around in my head right now. OP, my experience with a cheater gives you this to think about:
For some women, their periods are sporadic during menopause. She could think she missed a period when, in fact, it is menopause slowing things down or skipping a turn. However, if she was only having sex with you, she wouldn't have much to worry about, now would she?
Pregnancy tests come in a two-pack so that one test is done, then a second can be done in a day or two to eliminate the chances of a false first-result. I'm 56. Never once in my life did I buy or store a pregnancy test for another person. I don't know anyone who has, and I don't know anyone that would ask to have it hidden for her.
My cheater had excuses and stories and would look me right in the eyes and tell me BS. I left, because of the cheating, but more importantly, because he LIED to me. I knew that even if I could forgive the cheating, I would never be able to trust him again. For me, trust is the foundation of a good relationship.
I don't think you need a private investigator. Save your money. Hide it somewhere (not in a saving account where her lawyer could find it). You already have proof. You are looking for a reason to find her innocent, but you are finding the opposite. You are trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, because you love her. Yet you know that you have to face the facts.
You and I are in the same age category. Believe me, you won't be alone for long if you get a divorce. People our age are looking for an SO who can be trustworthy, loyal and can go the distance. YOU don't need to put up with her crap. These days, you don't need evidence for a divorce (at least in many states), you just get an attorney and file.
I don't think telling everyone is the way to go. It will make you look like you are airing your dirty laundry. If you have children, it could back-fire on you. Take the high road.
Affairs survive on two things: 1) Fantasy and 2) Secrecy.
You end it by exposing it to EVERYONE, especially the other man's wife, people your wife respect (her parents, siblings, etc.), the other man's children, your own children, etc. Do it all at once and without any warning. Initially, she will be very mad that you told the truth (isn't that ironic), but it will very soon snapped her out from this fantasy and back to reality where everyone knows and the fantasy is no more. The fantasy becomes a nightmare. The affair dies.
After the affair dies, what you choose to do with this marriage is up to you. Chances are, she will be begging you for forgiveness.
Dear God, NO!! Do Not Take This Advice.
I know a woman who found out her husband was cheating and told everyone. Her parents, their co-workers
( they worked with some of the same people) friends, etc.
When she had time to reflect on it, she wanted him back because they had been married for a long time and this was a blip, a massive screw-up, but it was between the two of them.
Only now it wasn't. Two things happened. She was too embarrassed to admit to everyone that she wanted him back, and it drove him straight into the other woman's life for good. Where else was he going to go?
That's a one-pull shotgun. Make sure you mean to kill what you aim it at.
In this case it's a partnership of their entire adult lives. This requires reflection, not knee-jerk action.
Best of luck , OP. this affair likely had more to do with vanity and insecurity than anything else.
Ps. And sometimes telling a lie about an affair, especially if it's over, is a way of not expunging your guilty conscience at your innocent spouse's expense. Why rock their world like that? Why make them question their attractiveness? Especially if it was just some dumbass mid-life crisis hump?
And whatever you decide to do, no matter what, No One has the right to question your choices. You take care of you, OP. I'm pulling for you.
I have read all of the posts and have so much swirling around in my head right now. OP, my experience with a cheater gives you this to think about:
For some women, their periods are sporadic during menopause. She could think she missed a period when, in fact, it is menopause slowing things down or skipping a turn. However, if she was only having sex with you, she wouldn't have much to worry about, now would she?
Pregnancy tests come in a two-pack so that one test is done, then a second can be done in a day or two to eliminate the chances of a false first-result. I'm 56. Never once in my life did I buy or store a pregnancy test for another person. I don't know anyone who has, and I don't know anyone that would ask to have it hidden for her.
My cheater had excuses and stories and would look me right in the eyes and tell me BS. I left, because of the cheating, but more importantly, because he LIED to me. I knew that even if I could forgive the cheating, I would never be able to trust him again. For me, trust is the foundation of a good relationship.
I don't think you need a private investigator. Save your money. Hide it somewhere (not in a saving account where her lawyer could find it). You already have proof. You are looking for a reason to find her innocent, but you are finding the opposite. You are trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, because you love her. Yet you know that you have to face the facts.
You and I are in the same age category. Believe me, you won't be alone for long if you get a divorce. People our age are looking for an SO who can be trustworthy, loyal and can go the distance. YOU don't need to put up with her crap. These days, you don't need evidence for a divorce (at least in many states), you just get an attorney and file.
I don't think telling everyone is the way to go. It will make you look like you are airing your dirty laundry. If you have children, it could back-fire on you. Take the high road.
Thanks for all the great advice,You have made my day a little better.Thank You
There are sites that specialize in this kind of thing. A friend of mine's story is a copy of yours.
He got suspicious and found a few things. He did the "Golly this looks suspicious" speech and got the run around. Things were fine for 3ish months then he got a feeling again. He went to a website that specializes in this stuff, went all spy on advice from there and was able to get a time and place. There was a PI waiting at time and place. A year later they divorced. In NC a cheater gets no alimony. They both went through a major life change. He is fine now. She hates her job. That is her karma. Mostly I feel for their kids.
FWIW he told only inner circle friends and family on both sides.
BTW find out what you are against legally. The NE courts can be brutal to ex husbands.
I really should change to Post Title to The Secret Life Of My Wife!Because as I go along Iam finding more,and more stuff about her.That she is hiding.But in turn she still the perfect best wife a man could ever want,she treats me like a king.And all along with that she is planning different things in here secret life.I still after all this time of all you guys great posts to me,and advice I,ve gotten I still cant wrap my mind around this.I keep saying to myself.WHY<WHY<WHY!
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Hurt
Also no she has not left me,she still wants to be married.Of corse,why would she leave,she has everything in the world for her.This is her secret little world that she is doing.
