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I wasn’t a big dater, but I could definitely identify the guys I wasn’t interested in. A few I sort of liked but wasn’t sure about. Those got a second date. No one got a third date if I wasn’t all in.
And you cheapskates hush up. I always tried to pay my share and sometimes succeeded.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MinivanDriver
I think one and done makes no sense. You're expecting perfection of someone you don't even know.
Ever have an off night? Ever been frazzled by something at work and just didn't bring your A Game? Maybe she didn't care for the food at the restaurant you picked. Maybe she had a big meeting in the morning that was on her mind. Maybe her cat died.
I mean unless your date yanked out a hair at the table and began flossing her teeth with it (Or something equally awful), you really can't tell squat about someone after an hour at dinner.
The minute I met my future wife, I knew. But our first date was kind of a disaster. When I called her for a second date, she talked it over with her roommate. According to my wife, the roommate said, "Hey, he made you laugh, right?" "Yes." "Then at the very least, it's a free meal." The second date was boffo.
There are exceptions, of course. But even job candidates typically have a couple of interviews before getting disqualified. Try being a little more forgiving of other people, you know?
I’m not expecting perfection, just I see no reason to waste money or time on a second date if I’m not feeling that person in anyway. Off nights happen but I expect to endure consequences if that happens. Life is not sympathetic sometimes. Hell, last year I had a big job interview which clashed with the worst case of gas ever, as you can guess the interview was interrupted by that and no surprise I didn’t get the job. It sucks but you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression. If that impression sucks, sorry but it is life and if I have to make a decision of pursuing you and investing time and money into you, better believe you are going to get a rigorous evaluation.
I'm not a believer in one true love, instant chemistry, love at first sight etc... pragmatic self feels that it takes a little while to get to know one and decipher true compatibility from plain infatuation. I've seen way too many people jump too quickly into relationships...
As long as there no outright red flags, I'm more than likely to go on several dates and seeing things take me naturally.
While I'm not dating at this time, I've been spending a lot of time with a particular lady; I was truly upset when she had to move away (long story). When we first met, I never thought I would feel that way about her. Kinda makes me realize that familiarity is something I need to really be serious about someone.
First impressions are often entirely wrong, at least in my experiences.
In the past, I've dated guys that lied to me about their interests and beliefs on topics important to me in order to get the opportunity to date me. So their first impressions were charming and I had no idea, but it took many dates later to realize the scum they were.
I would usually give more than one date because I would always think, "What if the first date the other person was trying too hard to impress or were nervous? Maybe there wasn't a lot of conversation going on because of not knowing what to say?"
The only times I would think I probably would have called in "one and done" is if the date were to boldly be a jerk and it was super evident that they were clearly not for me. Otherwise, if it was an okay date, I would've gone a time or two again to be sure.
I’m not expecting perfection, just I see no reason to waste money or time on a second date if I’m not feeling that person in anyway. Off nights happen but I expect to endure consequences if that happens. Life is not sympathetic sometimes. Hell, last year I had a big job interview which clashed with the worst case of gas ever, as you can guess the interview was interrupted by that and no surprise I didn’t get the job. It sucks but you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression. If that impression sucks, sorry but it is life and if I have to make a decision of pursuing you and investing time and money into you, better believe you are going to get a rigorous evaluation.
Seriously? Is it just a transaction for you?
As somebody who reads a lot of your posts and really wants you to find happiness in life, you have some seriously odd beliefs and approaches when it comes to dating and relationships. You keep banging your head against the wall doing the same things over and over and over again, then complain about not being able to find someone. You won't change your approach. You won't alter your philosophy. You won't grapple with the notion that you're doing something fundamentally wrong in your dating life. Yet you are the common denominator in all these fiascoes.
It kind of follows a script. You pose a question, then when a host of us, folks who collectively enjoy long-term, fulfilling relationships that have enriched our lives beyond measure, all line up and say, "Dissenter, you've really gotta rethink how you approach things." Then, not liking the answers you get, you argue with us. I mean, a good rule of thumb is to not ask questions to which you don't want to know the answers.
Back to the original question. You're not auditioning someone for a Broadway show here based on a thirty-second read. You're not a day trader looking for a quick hit. You're getting to know someone. That's it. Sometimes it takes a couple or three dates for that person to drop her guard. As someone who evidently thinks that everyone has an angle and that the world is not a nice place, above all people, you oughta get that.
And, finally, if it's really boiling down to whether or not to spend money dating someone, then put your 450hp, fuel-injected brain to work. You live in DC, right? Jeez, man, that's Cheap Date Heaven. Museums. Free concerts. Parks galore. Not everything has to be the full-court press. Not everything has to be the Big Date, the dinner at Chez Whoowee or orchestra-level tickets to Hamilton. I dated when I didn't have two nickels to rub together. But taking someone on a hike through a state park near my apartment was just fine--not to mention a lot less pressure on the woman whom I was with.
Instead, rather than money, think of dating someone as a matter of investing time and mental energy. You might be surprised at the results.
Last edited by MinivanDriver; 01-01-2018 at 08:23 PM..
I usually tried to give guys a couple chances/dates...unless things just were really negative between us. And not because I was wrangling for a ANOTHER steak dinner. So if he was willing to ask, I'd at least consider it.
I’m not expecting perfection, just I see no reason to waste money or time on a second date if I’m not feeling that person in anyway. Off nights happen but I expect to endure consequences if that happens. Life is not sympathetic sometimes. Hell, last year I had a big job interview which clashed with the worst case of gas ever, as you can guess the interview was interrupted by that and no surprise I didn’t get the job. It sucks but you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression. If that impression sucks, sorry but it is life and if I have to make a decision of pursuing you and investing time and money into you, better believe you are going to get a rigorous evaluation.
This is a good analogy as to why I "one-and-done" isn't perfect by any stretch.
You had a less than perfect interview, does that actually mean you weren't right for the job?
I've known plenty of people (not limited to dating) where it took some time for any chemistry to develop. Sometimes, glaringly obviously, the chemistry that eventually developed was much stronger than with people with whom the chemistry developed immediately.
We all have limited time to devote to getting to know someone. So, we, obviously, can't give everyone unlimited opportunities. But, that doesn't mean that "one and done" doesn't make one miss people who would otherwise be good matches.
I did, very much so, in my 20s -- and maybe even a little ways into my 30s. I was convinced that without an instant spark there was no potential.
I had little dating success in my 20s and 30s.
Then I became older, and wiser. And I'm now married as a result, to someone who didn't leave a lasting impression after the first date.
Of course, there's a difference between not "feeling it" right away versus finding someone completely unappealing -- in the latter case, it would only make sense not to spend more time with that person.
Last edited by CapsChick; 01-02-2018 at 06:41 AM..
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So if he was willing to ask, I'd at least consider it.
