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The good news: 50% of your problem is simple. You need to lose weight.
The bad news: Losing weight is hard and from a 35 BMI it will take up all of your time, money and energy. You'll have to be 100% dedicated to it for the next 2 years.
I know. The easy part's over...the first 100 weren't that bad. The next 70 will get harder and harder, I know. I've got a plan, though.
I'd gotten out of town and gone to a mall at a larger city. I was eating at a table out in the walkways and reading a book when I got recognized by three people from work, two of whom had left a couple of years ago. It was so unexpected and out of context that I couldn't place them...made an idiot of myself searching for names. Embarrassing for me, they'd recognized me immediately.
This kind of thing happens to people ALL the time. It's not worth self-flagellation.
This past week I forgot the first name of a woman I have worked with for years. TO HER FACE. It helps to just be honest ... "Oh man I'm having a brain fart right now ... Remind me of your first name again..." or "You'll have to forgive me ... I'm having trouble placing you because we're out of context."
This kind of thing happens to people ALL the time. It's not worth self-flagellation.
This past week I forgot the first name of a woman I have worked with for years. TO HER FACE. It helps to just be honest ... "Oh man I'm having a brain fart right now ... Remind me of your first name again..." or "You'll have to forgive me ... I'm having trouble placing you because we're out of context."
It doesn't HAVE to be a character flaw.
You can always say “great to see you again, what are you up to these days?” To buy some time while you rack your brain on their name/context.
Yes, and one who has been so successful with women he's kind of burned out now and is doing the single thing by choice. I'll ask him.
Do that. Just don't argue with him if he actually tries to help you, because make no mistake it will be difficult and uncomfortable for him to be honest.
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I am 70 pounds overweight. That is honest. I used to be a LOT more, but I've made it a focus point all year. I recently hired a trainer and started a strength routine. Not much to report on it yet, very recent.
That's good that you are on the right track. I agree with the other guy that said that 50% of your problems are right here. I was actually going to post the exact same thing, then he stole my thunder. As you lose more weight, this will get easier. If you lose the weight and get into good athletic shape things will change a LOT. Probably night and day, even.
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Masculinity...maybe. Any general tips?
Yes. Watch your body language, tone of voice, and non verbal communication. As stated, pay close attention to men that are good with women and try to emulate them. Important- Do not supplicate to women. NEVER agree with a woman just because she is female, don't apologize to women, don't negotiate with women (especially when it comes to anything romantic). The fact that you asked 2 women to talk to you about this matter is a clue that you may be supplicating to women and that's a huge turnoff for woman.
I know you said you don't want to read the PUA stuff, but honestly some of it is def worth reading (it's like anything, some of it is crap). I'd recommend googling Iron Rules by Rollo Tomassi. Some of his blog and some of the comments in there are worth a look, too.
Also read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover. It used to be available online for free.
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The information I'm giving I'm sharing...the internet is anonymous for a reason. I'm not hitting on anyone here, I know I'm throwing out a bunch of flags. I started a similar thread on Reddit and on a lark decided to try the personals there. That was a mistake, using that same account. I've already worked on that, got an additional account to post more generally, including in the personals.
No, man. I'm just keeping it real here. You go into long stories of 'this time in my life I was sad, and this time in my life I felt this way', etc etc.....
It doesn't matter whether this is anon or not, you are advertising yourself as having a very low level of confidence and a self belief that you have a lack of value. Don't be naive, this is not something that is just present on this thread; I guarantee this mindset is spilling over into all areas of your life. Rule of thumb is this- do not advertise weakness- to anyone. If you are a man of faith talk to God, if not write a journal with your feelings, but stop sharing that level of detail with just about everybody else. That's not to say that on occasion you can't talk about how you feel, or show a glimpse into the deeper stuff, but it certainly can't be worn on your sleeve 24/7 or you will turn people off. That goes not just for women, but for men also, btw.
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Sense of humor- Naturally dry, dark, and sometimes sarcastic or ironic. Think Monty Python or Coen Brothers. I excel at quippy one-liners, they're my favorite way to start conversations. I've been told that I'm funny.
Fun to be around- I suspect not very fun, unfortunately, and I'm not sure how to improve it. Large social situations are difficult for me to navigate. I'm better at engagements with 5-8 people, but I'm rarely the life of the party.
Exciting- I'm fairly laid back. I don't display a lot of agitation or excitement. So probably not very?
Sex appeal- None. I've only had one person tell me I was sexy. She was in a bad place when she asked me out and a month later she drove me off. I have no idea how to work this.
Social skills- Improving. Probably sub-par for the average, but I'm working on them.
Interesting- Probably not very. I've led an insular life up to this year. I'm trying to create a base of life experiences to start drawing off of, but it's slow-going.
Skills- Yes, I have several things I do really, really well. I'm not sure how to work them into my attractiveness.
Conversation- Like social skills, improving.
Ok, the rule of thumb is to accentuate your positives and stay away from your glaring weaknesses. So, for me I'm garbage as a painter so I would never try and take a date to a painting class. If I was single, I would never even bother approaching a woman at a painting class. But I'm a pretty good athlete so if I was single I might try to join a coed softball team and meet women there, or I might try to meet women at the gym once I got in super shape, etc etc.... get it?
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Masculinity- Not very. Assertiveness is something I'm working on. What else should play into this?
Carefully guard against passivity and especially passive aggressiveness. These are feminine traits that are repulsive to women. As men, we all need to guard against passivity. But especially you because at least up until now you've been passive about your situation (otherwise it wouldn't have gotten to this point). And again, I'm trying to keep it real with you.
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Exciting- I'm fairly laid back. I don't display a lot of agitation or excitement. So probably not very?
Don't worry if you lack one or two things. Nobody is good at everything and excels at every area. It's the big picture that you need to think about.
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Sex appeal- None. I've only had one person tell me I was sexy. She was in a bad place when she asked me out and a month later she drove me off. I have no idea how to work this.
Try to be more observant. Those guys that women seem to be drawn to, what do they do? Watch and learn.
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Skills- Yes, I have several things I do really, really well. I'm not sure how to work them into my attractiveness.
What do you do well? This is important because you need to learn how to leverage your strengths in the dating world.
Ok you already lost 100lbs. The issue is your confidence will take longer to catch up because your brain still is adapted to the old body. Keep that in mind. Once you finish losing all the weight you will need to maintain with a martial art which also works on the mind. BJJ is very good for that in my opinion.
I'd gotten out of town and gone to a mall at a larger city. I was eating at a table out in the walkways and reading a book when I got recognized by three people from work, two of whom had left a couple of years ago. It was so unexpected and out of context that I couldn't place them...made an idiot of myself searching for names. Embarrassing for me, they'd recognized me immediately.
What is your point in bringing up this and other examples like this?
It sounds SO pathetic.
Like, yesterday, I went to work and my shirt was inside out, I made an idiot of myself and it was embarrassing. SO WHAT?
Ok so your forgot someone's name and it was embarrassing, we've all done that. I can't believe I had to say that to a man in his 30s.
Something is seriously wrong with you. You need to ask your therapist why you make a huge deal out of normal human things and what you can do to fix it. Please ask him that. I'm curious. Your post is something I'd expect from a 10 yr old.
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