Do you think I’m asking too much of my boyfriend? (girlfriend, how to)

[Debsi]

Originally Posted by txtqueen

I smoke.
I refuse to do opioids.

I’ve looked into anti-inflammatory meds but they’ll raise my risk of stroke and I’m already on birth control and that will raise your risk too.

There are other forms of birth control that won’t, like an iud.

[Scrat335]

Originally Posted by txtqueen

Until spring of 2014 both my boyfriend and I worked, cooked, cleaned equally.
After my car accident and recovering I went back to work and it was too physically difficult, I held out on quitting as long as I could and I went about 8 months before I had to stop.

I’m not currently working and I just stay home. I get slammed with headaches almost daily, I have a lot wrong with my back and neck.

I don’t work and I basically just stay at home and keep the house clean and running.
Pretty easy stuff, light housework.

DB is messy AF tho.
He says he works and works hard so he should be able to be lazy at home.

I don’t mind taking care of what I take care of but I have a few non negotiable things.

-Clothes go in a hamper and only the hamper. Not the banister, not a chair, in the hamper. I wash, dry, fold and put away his clothes. I don’t want to find his shorts on the banister.

-Beard hair needs to be rinsed out of the sink. I tolerate the beard. I don’t like them. They’re trendy and he’s never had one before and well I’m amazing and I support things even if I don’t like them. Doesn’t mean I want to be the one who has to rinse it down the drain. He has hands, they work, he can take the 30 seconds to clean up after himself.

-Coffee cups/soda cans need to be poured out. He has those yeti mugs and he leaves them full of old coffee sitting on the counter. All I asked was that after work that he pour them out and place the empty cup in the sink for me to wash later. He also drinks soda at an alarming rate and leaves all his empty cans in a row on the counter 3 feet from the trash can that I keep a fresh bag in daily.

I bathe our animals on a schedule, he always has clean clothes, we always have clean sheets, there’s always food at the house, the bathroom is kept clean, the laundry is kept done, the house is taken care of and I keep things picked up.
I don’t think I’m asking too much.
He’s 32, not 12 those things shouldn’t be too hard for him to do.
Thoughts? Opinions?
We’ve been together for 8 years and he’s about equality at home when we were both working.

No I don't think you are asking too much of him. He needs to man up and do his part. That means taking care of himself and not being careless and lazy.

[Huckleberry3911948]

You do a lot of work
You and he are in traditional roles bek of your injury
The things that annoy you before mid 70s women endured
It was not fun

[Mikala43]

No your not asking too much, but when you look at his side, neither is he.

This is where compromising comes in.

Messes don't bother messy people. Does he come and ask why you didn't clean up his beard hair and clothes? Or does he just not care about those things?

One thing I have found in a relationship is the person who cares about the issue the most, is in charge of it. Fair? I dunno, but in the grand scheme of things clothes on the floor is pretty far down the list.

[Lovehound]

I was going to reply but I like Mikala's reply better than anything I could say.

I don't think OP is asking too much, but I do feel that their relationship needs better communications.


Side comment: I think the IUD is a good idea too. One of my girlfriends who I lived with had one and it was just set it and forget it. (Not quite, but close.) She did it for herself but I appreciate what she did, and was glad she wasn't taking potentially dangerous drugs.

PSA: Note that an IUD protects only against pregnancy and is not at all useful in protecting from STDs. IMO it's perfect for a monogamous relationship where STDs are not a concern.

[4dognight]

I'll tell you what someone told me about a messy roommate that they had to deal with. I'm not sure how you can apply this but it worked for them.

3 roommates.

Two were neat and picked up/cleaned up after themselves. One was messy and left their toiletries on the shared bathroom counter sink etc.

They asked the person to please keep their things off the sink when not using as was the agreement from the start.

Roommate didn't comply so they didn't say another word, they just started putting the items in the under the sink cabinet way in the back and put the usual under the sink items in front of roommates items.
Roommate had to dig for their stuff to get it out to use.

It worked after a few time. Roommate quit leaving items strewed around.

Maybe making his things hard for him to get to would make him decide to put them where he wants them for easier access than your choice of placement?

I don't know your BF or his demeanor so I am not suggesting anything. This may would make him angry.

Just giving you a scenario.

Also, only washing the clothes that are in the hamper and him finally not having anything clean because they are strewed could work for that one. Then tell him that you washed everything that was in the hamper.

Laying a paper towel in the sink to catch the beard hair can make for quick and easy cleanup if he will do that.

[reneeh63]

Originally Posted by txtqueen

Until spring of 2014 both my boyfriend and I worked, cooked, cleaned equally.
After my car accident and recovering I went back to work and it was too physically difficult, I held out on quitting as long as I could and I went about 8 months before I had to stop.

I’m not currently working and I just stay home. I get slammed with headaches almost daily, I have a lot wrong with my back and neck.

I don’t work and I basically just stay at home and keep the house clean and running.
Pretty easy stuff, light housework.

DB is messy AF tho.
He says he works and works hard so he should be able to be lazy at home.

I don’t mind taking care of what I take care of but I have a few non negotiable things.

-Clothes go in a hamper and only the hamper. Not the banister, not a chair, in the hamper. I wash, dry, fold and put away his clothes. I don’t want to find his shorts on the banister.

-Beard hair needs to be rinsed out of the sink. I tolerate the beard. I don’t like them. They’re trendy and he’s never had one before and well I’m amazing and I support things even if I don’t like them. Doesn’t mean I want to be the one who has to rinse it down the drain. He has hands, they work, he can take the 30 seconds to clean up after himself.

-Coffee cups/soda cans need to be poured out. He has those yeti mugs and he leaves them full of old coffee sitting on the counter. All I asked was that after work that he pour them out and place the empty cup in the sink for me to wash later. He also drinks soda at an alarming rate and leaves all his empty cans in a row on the counter 3 feet from the trash can that I keep a fresh bag in daily.

I bathe our animals on a schedule, he always has clean clothes, we always have clean sheets, there’s always food at the house, the bathroom is kept clean, the laundry is kept done, the house is taken care of and I keep things picked up.
I don’t think I’m asking too much.
He’s 32, not 12 those things shouldn’t be too hard for him to do.
Thoughts? Opinions?
We’ve been together for 8 years and he’s about equality at home when we were both working.

The bigger issue seems to be that he has lost some "respect" for you - you've lost some clout in the relationship. That's not right - but take it as a sign - what if you can never work again? What if you can but once you have kids decide to be a SAHM? Be prepared for these issues to be ongoing. And take care of yourself now!

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by 4dognight

I'll tell you what someone told me about a messy roommate that they had to deal with. I'm not sure how you can apply this but it worked for them.

3 roommates.

Two were neat and picked up/cleaned up after themselves. One was messy and left their toiletries on the shared bathroom counter sink etc.

They asked the person to please keep their things off the sink when not using as was the agreement from the start.

Roommate didn't comply so they didn't say another word, they just started putting the items in the under the sink cabinet way in the back and put the usual under the sink items in front of roommates items.
Roommate had to dig for their stuff to get it out to use.

It worked after a few time. Roommate quit leaving items strewed around.

Maybe making his things hard for him to get to would make him decide to put them where he wants them for easier access than your choice of placement?

I don't know your BF or his demeanor so I am not suggesting anything. This may would make him angry.

Just giving you a scenario.

Also, only washing the clothes that are in the hamper and him finally not having anything clean because they are strewed could work for that one. Then tell him that you washed everything that was in the hamper.

Laying a paper towel in the sink to catch the beard hair can make for quick and easy cleanup if he will do that.

"Also, only washing the clothes that are in the hamper and him finally not having anything clean because they are strewed could work for that one. Then tell him that you washed everything that was in the hamper". Isn't that the standard rule for the person doing household laundry (at least for adults)? That's the way that it works at my house and I've talked about this issue with co-workers and many people handle it that way, too. The rule my be a little more flexible for preschoolers but even most elementary age children quickly learn the rule. If it is not in the hamper, it does not get washed.

IMHO, your BF will learn pretty quickly to put everything in the hamper. Also, don't pick up his dirty clothes, even if guests are coming over, if his relatives or his buddies see his dirty underwear on the living room floor they will think that he is the slob, not you.

[deepsix]

You're not asking too much of him, but he's extremely generous for sharing half his income with his girlfriend (not wife).

[Serious Conversation]

I clean my own stuff because I just like cleanliness. With that said, if someone isn't working, I'd expect them to do more to help out to the extent they are able. My girlfriend is in a wheelchair, and I let her stay at my condo some nights. She usually does a little something while I'm at work. There's a lot that she can't do, but she does what she can. It's the thought that counts there.