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Stop picking up his clothes from the bannisters. If it's not in the hamper, don't wash it. Leave the cans for him. Ditto for his drink containers. Eventually he will do them. Yes it will bother the hell out of you in the meantime but you're not his mother.
You've been together a long time - why not married?
"Also, only washing the clothes that are in the hamper and him finally not having anything clean because they are strewed could work for that one. Then tell him that you washed everything that was in the hamper".
Quote:
Originally Posted by 4dognight
Also, only washing the clothes that are in the hamper and him finally not having anything clean because they are strewed could work for that one. Then tell him that you washed everything that was in the hamper.
The above seems like game playing to me; manipulative. It's like creating a gotcha situation. Yeah, sure, do that to a roommate. I just think it's a poor idea to do that to somebody you are planning to spend your life with.
Quote:
Originally Posted by greatblueheron
He sounds resentful. Do you think he doubts your painful situation?
That's why my comment above that it appears to me this relationship needs more communications.
If you negotiate and compromise to achieve some goal, that' smart. I think when you manipulate people to get your way it's likely to cause hard feelings.
He sounds resentful. Do you think he doubts your painful situation?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lovehound
The above seems like game playing to me; manipulative. It's like creating a gotcha situation. Yeah, sure, do that to a roommate. I just think it's a poor idea to do that to somebody you are planning to spend your life with.
That's why my comment above that it appears to me this relationship needs more communications.
If you negotiate and compromise to achieve some goal, that' smart. I think when you manipulate people to get your way it's likely to cause hard feelings.
I think greatblueheron brings up a very good point, and one that I think is worth some discussion between OP and BF.
Why is it considered that OP is being "manipulative" were she to choose to, for example, leave BF's cups and cans sitting on the counter in perpetuity til BF takes care of them or decides to wash only the clothes that are in the hamper and not those strewed about the house? Why? Seems to me she has discussed and communicated her thoughts and feelings about her stated issues to BF to no avail. He has chosen to continue his behaviors, and now, OP gets to make a choice re how to handle the stated issues. Seems fair to me--parity.
Why is he "right" and OP "wrong?" That's not fair to label her as manipulative when BF has, apparently, taken the passive-aggressive route to resolution.
I agree that partners in a relationship need to engage in ongoing negotiation, compromise and communication to keep the relationship healthy and thriving. That said, it takes two people to negotiate, compromise and communicate, and if one of those people (read: OP's BF) has decided unilaterally that he does not want to participate is resolution discussions, the other person has every "relationship right" to do the same. I do not view that as a retaliatory move or response, but, rather, one that protects a given partner's interests when the other partner has "checked out" of the negotiation and compromise process.
OP's stance is not right or wrong, and her BF's stance is not right or wrong; they're just different.
I think OP needs to decide if BF's behaviors are acceptable for her in a partner.
He sounds resentful. Do you think he doubts your painful situation?
Of course he should continue to do his part...it's just as easy to throw cans in bin as it is to leave them on counter...
You going back to work, after feeling better? Bet all will return to normal.
This is what I was thinking too- I bet his whole attitude would change if you were bringing home the bacon. My husband pulled this mess on me to at one time in our marriage. Now that you are not an earner, you have become less valuable. Which, it really should be the other way around. Caring and taking care of a household is A LOT of work. Is a thank you from your boyfriend too much to ask? Go on strike. Sit on your ass until he can rinse out his dern cups and clean out the sink.
Did he just suddenly become a slob when you became unable to work? I think maybe he was always like this but its just annoying you now that you're home all day and have time to think about it.
If it were me, I'd just suck it up and tidy up after him - its no big deal. After all, he's out working all day, sharing his income with you (supporting you?). I think its a fair trade off - you clean up after him and he looks after you financially. There's worse things he could be doing!
I've been living with my husband for 33 years now and I've been trying to house break him for 33 years. LOL. Don't even go in his tool room. I still have to turn off the lights, put the phone book or whatever he pulls out of the drawer and put it back and close the drawer. Why is that camera case on the guest bed again? Why are the cabinets always open? Why are the clothes on the floor next to the hamper?
Now for the other side of the coin. Why isn't the cat box clean? I get to it when I get to it every day. Why are there two pairs of shoes in the living room? I didn't think about it. You see, there are always going to be little things that irritate us about each other. Here's a perfect example. He wants me to look at something outside and I'm still in my night shirt. He wants me to go get dressed. "Why aren't you dressed?" Well because I'm having a really bad second day controlling the pain from a broken arm and shattered wrist and the meds I'm on make me feel like crap. I wasn't dressed the whole day yesterday either. So what?
These are all small things that should remain small things. The bottom line is that we are much more to each other than minor irritants. Keep them in perspective love. I'm going out in my night shirt to look at something now. He's the love of my life even if he drives me to the brink of insanity sometimes.
Did he just suddenly become a slob when you became unable to work? I think maybe he was always like this but its just annoying you now that you're home all day and have time to think about it.
!
Did you read the OP? She said, after she became disabled, suddenly he became messier than before. It's as if he decided that since she was home all day every day, she should "earn her keep" by picking up after every little thing, as if her disability were license for him to not put in any effort at all. As if he thinks he suddenly acquired a captive servant.
I was a stay at home wife, it was my job to take care of the house and stuff, but not be anyone's personal butler.
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