U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old Today, 10:05 AM
 
Location: Colorado
11,848 posts, read 7,301,922 times
Reputation: 21257

Advertisements

I just feel like there are people, and I've known some, who believe that if you have ever done something wrong then it defines you. Like if you admit to having lied or cheated before, they decide you ARE a liar and a cheater and therefore cannot be trusted. I think these people have trust issues and are looking for cause to be suspicious, they don't believe that people are trustworthy because they can't really trust, so they look to set up that very situation to justify the way they're going to act anyways. The whole thing of being grilled and judged on your past seems to point in that direction to me, just based on others I have known, who have said that if you are "capable of" doing that, then they think it's who you are. One in particular I'm thinking of, claimed that he was not "capable of" lying or cheating, but I know he HAS done those things. He just wants license to judge other people, and not be judged himself.

Personally I don't believe that most people are either 100% good or bad, we're human and we make mistakes, we have to grow and learn, and if someone isn't willing to accept that you are a human being who has lived and grown and learned and done things at times that you weren't proud of... I just wouldn't want to be with someone who was looking to constantly confirm a bias that people (or men, or women) were bad or out to get them.

So I'm not saying you need to keep it secret, but I'm also not saying you have to disclose or disclaimer it. But I am definitely saying that the extent to which someone feels entitled to that information, and how they react to it, would be of concern to me.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old Today, 10:30 AM
 
1,184 posts, read 351,583 times
Reputation: 3718
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bearsdad View Post
If you have something in your past which you are not particularly proud of (15 years ago) where you cheated on a then partner in the process of leaving, is this something that should be discussed with a potential new partner up front, or should the past be left in the past? Is there a time limit where this doesn't count?

I was involved in a discussion recently and the woman just thought it was terrible that I didn't mention this right up front. Hi, i am Bearsdad and fifteen years ago, i cheated on and left an ex girlfriend....would you like to go out?? I mean, how do you handle this? I don't know anyone who isn't ashamed they have done something like this, let alone use the subject as an ice breaker when you meet someone. Is there a protocol for this sort of discussion or should you just wait until it comes up in normal conversation down the road? Thoughts?

Pretty irrelevant. I don't think it ever needs to come up unless you are afraid someone else knows that might decide to tell your current love interest about it....perhaps leaving out that the relationship was already in the process of being dissolved.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 10:35 AM
 
6,548 posts, read 2,362,084 times
Reputation: 15060
Quote:
Originally Posted by kygman View Post
I've been in that position before. Marriage was on the rocks, started talking to a friend's wife. One thing led to another and I went over for a kiss (I promise, that was all) She panicked when I kissed her on the neck. Was arrested for attempted rape but was dropped down to sexual abuse 3rd degree. I got 1 year probated for 3. I told my fiancee all about it. Wanted everything out in the open. This was 5 years after. She appreciated me telling her about it instead of hearing about it from somebody else. She said that was in the past and, as far as she was concerned, it would stay there. And she trusted me that it wouldn't happen again. It hasn't and it won't!

I can totally understand you getting in front of this, and telling your fiancé. You never know, she could do a background check on you, or somehow come across your conviction record, and it would've raised a lot of suspicions.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 10:36 AM
 
1,640 posts, read 3,601,952 times
Reputation: 1222
Whoever the person was that flipped out about a story from the past that involved an "indiscretion" is definitely not the partner for you.

Inevitable you will have conversations about past relationships and why/how they ended... at some point. The details you want to give are up to you. Obviously things in your past that paint you in a bad light are not going to be met with the warmest of receptions so remember sometimes less is more.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 11:22 AM
 
Location: SoCal again
16,038 posts, read 12,823,090 times
Reputation: 31324
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bearsdad View Post
If you have something in your past which you are not particularly proud of (15 years ago) where you cheated on a then partner in the process of leaving, is this something that should be discussed with a potential new partner up front, or should the past be left in the past? Is there a time limit where this doesn't count?

I was involved in a discussion recently and the woman just thought it was terrible that I didn't mention this right up front. Hi, i am Bearsdad and fifteen years ago, i cheated on and left an ex girlfriend....would you like to go out?? I mean, how do you handle this? I don't know anyone who isn't ashamed they have done something like this, let alone use the subject as an ice breaker when you meet someone. Is there a protocol for this sort of discussion or should you just wait until it comes up in normal conversation down the road? Thoughts?
None of her business and if she makes it her business, I'll dump her. If she gets all worked up over this, she will be worked up over lots of other irrelevant stuff, too.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 12:17 PM
 
6,548 posts, read 2,362,084 times
Reputation: 15060
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
None of her business and if she makes it her business, I'll dump her. If she gets all worked up over this, she will be worked up over lots of other irrelevant stuff, too.

I don't think the woman he had a discussion with is the same woman as his fiancé.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 02:32 PM
 
Location: Seattle
211 posts, read 622,419 times
Reputation: 299
Past indiscretions are absolutely relevant and I laugh when people say otherwise, as they are often trying to hide under the veil of being "judged", when in reality they are just trying to escape accountability.

Case in point- I called off a recent short term relationship. There was just something "off" about her behavior in the relationship. She was 30 and had absolutely no life skills outside of doing makeup and making sure she stayed skinny. So, after doing some digging, it was revealed that she had a history of getting involved with men of means. Among her past relationships was a trust fund baby, a couple of tech executives, and a former pro athlete- and that is just what I know about. Turns out, she was engaged to the trust fund baby (she had previously claimed that she had never been involved in anything "serious")and his family gave her some form of lump sum money as "severance" after he kicked her to the curb. That, and the combination of what she had successfully leeched from other men, was essentially what she had been living off of for most of her adult life.

When confronted, she regurgitated the whole "walk a mile in my shoes" routine, but in the end, a snake is a snake. People that demonstrate lengthy patters of behavior are extremely resistant to change, and rarely do so. Partners should put everything on the table as soon as possible to eliminate any "game breaking" compatibility issues.

Last edited by Rumble; Today at 03:29 PM.. Reason: EDITED to include demonstrating PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 02:38 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
16,038 posts, read 12,823,090 times
Reputation: 31324
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
I don't think the woman he had a discussion with is the same woman as his fiancé.
I was not aware he has a fiance.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 03:06 PM
 
6,548 posts, read 2,362,084 times
Reputation: 15060
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
I was not aware he has a fiance.

Huh! I went back and read the original OP...and you're right. I guess I got it mixed up with another post somewhere. Sorry.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 03:14 PM
 
Location: Colorado
11,848 posts, read 7,301,922 times
Reputation: 21257
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rumble View Post
Past indiscretions are absolutely relevant and I laugh when people say otherwise, as they are often trying to hide under the veil of being "judged", when in reality they are just trying to escape accountability.

Case in point- I called off a recent short term relationship. There was just something "off" about her behavior in the relationship. She was 30 and had absolutely no life skills outside of doing makeup and making sure she stayed skinny. So, after doing some digging, it was revealed that she had a history of getting involved with men of means. Among her past relationships was a trust fund baby, a couple of tech executives, and a former pro athlete- and that is just what I know about. Turns out, she was engaged to the trust fund baby (she had previously claimed that she had never been involved in anything "serious")and his family gave her some form of lump sum money as "severance" after he kicked her to the curb. That, and the combination of what she had successfully leeched from other men, was essentially what she had been living off of for most of her adult life.

When confronted, she regurgitated the whole "walk a mile in my shoes" routine, but in the end, a snake is a snake. People rarely change. Partners should put everything on the table as soon as possible to eliminate any "game breaking" compatibility issues.
I'm not sure that one needs to be dished any kind of "accountability" on an event from 15 years ago when it isn't indicative of a pattern of behavior, and when it isn't very relevant to who they are now.

"People rarely change"...really? You are precisely the same person you were at all younger ages, and you never have made a mistake? You feel that you stand completely behind every single thing you've ever done and would do everything exactly the same today? I think I prefer the company of those who can admit they had to make some human errors to learn things, and that they have learned and changed over time.

But I can agree with the last bit that there might be game breaking compatibility issues. Someone who holds a person to a single event in their past and judges them and insists they are not capable of personal growth, that would be a deal breaker for me. I don't think that love is only for magically infallible persons with pristine life histories.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top