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Old 07-19-2019, 10:34 PM
 
Location: planet earth
5,032 posts, read 1,917,560 times
Reputation: 11106

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Quote:
Originally Posted by adrimore10 View Post
Alright, so let me paint a picture of my life real quick. Ive been married for 10 years, were both 35 yrs. old. We have two kids, one 8 and the other 3. I work from home and he has been unemployed for like 8 months. So we are practically together all the time. While I dont mind it, I also want to preserve my friendships. I don;t have a lot of friends anymore, I used to have a lot and through the years things change. So, the little amount of friends I have now I want to make sure I preserve them. If my friends and I go out we go have sushi (which my husband hates), go day drinking (home by 10PM-latest) or go to our local coffee shop. My husband has argued that I should invite him to spend time with my friends like he invites me. But i feel like I need to keep that separate, they are my therapists free of charge. Naturally, i dont want to mix them, i couldn't vent freely. Anyway, he says that I need to stay at home and take care of our kids like he does. I dont think thats right.
He doesnt have any friends, so when i push him to go out and have time for himself he always replies.. go out with who? what friends?? This however, is not my fault! he chooses to not have friends and now he is mom-shaming me for trying to keep mine. I have tried to reason with him, i just don't know what to do, specifically how to get through him. I feel like i am trapped in a cage. Dont get me wrong, I love my family life and I am very grateful to have it, i just dont think I am solely a mom or wife. I am still ME..
advise?
Good for you, OP (re: Knowing how important it is to identify as "me," and not just mom or wife.

Your husband is jealous.

HE needs to get out there - get a job and make some friends at his new job.

In the meantime, as long as it's not excessive, you "should be allowed" (makes me gag) to go out with your friends and have fun.

You and your husband should also have weekly date nights, so he can have SOME fun.
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Old 07-20-2019, 07:05 AM
 
Location: Florida
19,885 posts, read 20,001,383 times
Reputation: 23372
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
And how often are you going out with friends? If it's more than once a week, I think it's problematic.
A question that needs an answer
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Old 07-24-2019, 01:52 PM
 
4 posts, read 1,318 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by old_cold View Post
A question that needs an answer

once a month or once every two months.
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Old 07-24-2019, 02:08 PM
 
129 posts, read 25,863 times
Reputation: 275
Quote:
Originally Posted by adrimore10 View Post
Alright, so let me paint a picture of my life real quick. Ive been married for 10 years, were both 35 yrs. old. We have two kids, one 8 and the other 3. I work from home and he has been unemployed for like 8 months. So we are practically together all the time. While I dont mind it, I also want to preserve my friendships. I don;t have a lot of friends anymore, I used to have a lot and through the years things change. So, the little amount of friends I have now I want to make sure I preserve them. If my friends and I go out we go have sushi (which my husband hates), go day drinking (home by 10PM-latest) or go to our local coffee shop. My husband has argued that I should invite him to spend time with my friends like he invites me. But i feel like I need to keep that separate, they are my therapists free of charge. Naturally, i dont want to mix them, i couldn't vent freely. Anyway, he says that I need to stay at home and take care of our kids like he does. I dont think thats right.
He doesnt have any friends, so when i push him to go out and have time for himself he always replies.. go out with who? what friends?? This however, is not my fault! he chooses to not have friends and now he is mom-shaming me for trying to keep mine. I have tried to reason with him, i just don't know what to do, specifically how to get through him. I feel like i am trapped in a cage. Dont get me wrong, I love my family life and I am very grateful to have it, i just dont think I am solely a mom or wife. I am still ME..
advise?
Is there anyway he can find something else to do while you're out with your friends? I love when DW goes out with her's because she usually comes back in great spirits. He can take the kiddos out for some super fun Dad time (movies, video games, park, ball game, etc.) Does his family live nearby? How about a trip to the grandparents house?

IMO, redirecting his focus from you and homegirls to having Daddy time would be great for him and you. You gotta do this while the kiddies still think you're cool.
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Old 07-24-2019, 02:11 PM
 
2,120 posts, read 891,634 times
Reputation: 5160
OK, this may seem off topic, but if he is out of work, why are you going out drinking and eating sushi with your friends?
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Old 07-24-2019, 02:45 PM
 
Location: Southern California
5,555 posts, read 8,204,130 times
Reputation: 5275
Quote:
Originally Posted by adrimore10 View Post
once a month or once every two months.
This is exactly what I was going to ask. I'd personally cut it down to every 3-5 mos, NOT because he doesn't like it, but because of my OWN personal preference. Hey when people get married, it's not about friends OR party, party, party anymore. The top priority becomes the spouse & kids. I'd be saying this whether the husband has friends or not.

Recalling about my parents, my dad didn't have friends either & my mom didn't go out w/ friends. She kept them on the phone, meaning only talked to them by phone pretty much. They were happy & it worked for them.

I'm SO, SO glad my fiance' & I don't have this issue whatsoever regarding friends. Neither of us ever had many. I had 1, maybe 2 & they're not close friends but more than just acquaintances. I'm an only child too by the way so lots of friends & parties never excited me. I'm used to a solitary life & am content. He had about the same. So we'd both maybe hang out w/ friends every 1-2 yrs...NOT all together but me w/ 1 & him w/ his 1. That's just how it happened to go, we didn't plan it like that.

Nowadays, I really don't have any & he'll talk on the phone w/ one from time to time. (I'm not complaining here at all, just saying what my situation is. Again, I'm happy & don't need friends to be content.)

My fiance' has 2 brothers he used to hang out w/ for the day & even spent the night at their houses, maybe every 3-6 mos I'd say. I didn't like it, but didn't raise much of a fuss. I didn't want to take away his fun even though his brothers aren't to be trusted regarding cheating on their wives, etc. I trust my fiance' & he's completely different from them. This is now completely over for the last 1-2 yrs because my fiance' saw the light about his highly narcissistic family & got fed up & is no longer in contact w/ them or his parents either.
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Old 07-24-2019, 03:06 PM
 
129 posts, read 25,863 times
Reputation: 275
Quote:
Originally Posted by adrimore10 View Post
once a month or once every two months.
Feelings on this will vary, but I don't think once a month or every other to see your friends is excessive at all. Quite reasonable actually.
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Old 07-24-2019, 07:23 PM
 
538 posts, read 99,718 times
Reputation: 1039
Quote:
Originally Posted by adrimore10 View Post
Alright, so let me paint a picture of my life real quick. Ive been married for 10 years, were both 35 yrs. old. We have two kids, one 8 and the other 3. I work from home and he has been unemployed for like 8 months. So we are practically together all the time. While I dont mind it, I also want to preserve my friendships. I don;t have a lot of friends anymore, I used to have a lot and through the years things change. So, the little amount of friends I have now I want to make sure I preserve them. If my friends and I go out we go have sushi (which my husband hates), go day drinking (home by 10PM-latest) or go to our local coffee shop. My husband has argued that I should invite him to spend time with my friends like he invites me. But i feel like I need to keep that separate, they are my therapists free of charge. Naturally, i dont want to mix them, i couldn't vent freely. Anyway, he says that I need to stay at home and take care of our kids like he does. I dont think thats right.
He doesnt have any friends, so when i push him to go out and have time for himself he always replies.. go out with who? what friends?? This however, is not my fault! he chooses to not have friends and now he is mom-shaming me for trying to keep mine. I have tried to reason with him, i just don't know what to do, specifically how to get through him. I feel like i am trapped in a cage. Dont get me wrong, I love my family life and I am very grateful to have it, i just dont think I am solely a mom or wife. I am still ME..
advise?
If he's going to hassle you about friends anyway, you might as well go all out and get yourself a REAL friend: a BOYFRIEND!
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Old 07-24-2019, 08:03 PM
 
1,233 posts, read 371,177 times
Reputation: 3883
Don't let him ruin your friendships. He is the one with the problem, not you. Friendship needs maintenance or you will wake up one day without any friends. You also could sometimes invite friends over for something simple such as coffee and homemade cookies.
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Old 07-24-2019, 08:07 PM
 
1,428 posts, read 560,750 times
Reputation: 3171
If you don't handle this soon..he will isolate you more and more from your friends so that he can have you all to himself.
You have told him...how many times about this issue?He hasn't listened.You're right in thinking that you guys' friends should be kept separate.He needs to find his own thing to do....a hobby or something.I take it that most of your friends are all women and who wants their friend's husband to be around them??!
If he doesn't understand you eventually...then divorce will have to be the path this relationship might have to take with you.
Why hasn't he found a job yet?Is he the picky type??He needs to focus more on getting a job then trying to be with you and your friends and getting upset that he doesn't have any friends because he choose that.
You don't need to be with a man who isn't working and is more worried about you wanting to keep your friends.Also seeing your friends twice a month is a very reasonable thing.It is good for you because you need an outlet.Like someone mentioned...maybe have a date night with him twice a month as well.
Also 8 months not finding work?...Why is that?feel that the sooner he finds work, the better off you both will be.

Last edited by codergirl; 07-24-2019 at 08:17 PM..
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