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Im usually not one to complain, but I have no one to talk to about this and Im really confused.
I got married when I was 18 years old. I already had a year of college behind me for pre-med (I graduated high school early) and had moved into my own place, had my own car, my own computer, my own cell phone, camcorder, t.v., I even had my own light, water, rent, and gas bill! I was living 500 miles away from my parents and loving every minute of it. Ill have you know that all these things were not just given to me either I did have help but I worked my butt of as a CNA in a rehabilitation hospital.
I met this gorgeous man, 10+ years my senior, I dont believe in the age thing so please leave that alone, He was very romantic, ran my bath water everynight, surprised me with little things and cards non stop, left me messages on the mirror.....I could go on and on.
He also has 2 children that were staying with their mother when we met. A 2 yr old boy and 4 year old girl. The plan was never for them to be with their mother. Actually all her rights were taken away from her, but thats how things were. We spent 2 weeks together doing nothing but falling in love, before we picked up the children. Their mother actually died about 2 months later OD'ed which was just as well because she only called her children 1 time in the 2 months before her death and that was to beg their Daddy to come back to her.
Our babies know me as their mother although nothing is kept from them about their last mother, They are now 5 1/2 and 7 1/2. I Love my babies with all my heart and I dont know what life could ever be like without them, but they are also very difficult. They are constantly in trouble in school. My 5 year old has been in the office twice this year. My 7 year old comes home with anywhere from 6-10 checks (tickets) if you are a parent you probably understand what that means.
My husband and I are not getting along anymore. Im torn between wanting out and hanging on. I have no friends because "I cant be friends with trash" and according to him everyone that lives around us or that I meet are "trash" Soon after we married we had to sell his Expedition and the plan was to get a down payment for a new vehicle........yeah right. This was like 2 years ago, I wasnt working anymore so he started driving my car. I have been without a vehicle ever since. My car is now broke down in the front driveway, and we amazingly came up with the money for a down payment on a Explorer. Which he calls "mine" even though he drives it to work everyday. He leaves at 5am and gets home at 7pm. I run a home daycare and all he ever does is call home and tell me everything to do or say to the parents. If a parent is one day late on payment he ******* about it all night, telling me to tell them this and that and blah blah blah.. Then the "trash" that lives next to us that Im not allowed to talk to he holds half hour conversations with. Last night He was outside for an hour helping them get their keys out of thier truck.
He scrutinizes the phone bill, He asks me "Whos This?! " to everyones number he dont know. Half the time I dont know either. He comes home from work and hits redial on the phone. He constantly insinuates that I like the daycare children better than our own or that I treat them better etc. We've come on hard times quite a bit and had to pawn a few things a time or two, so far we have lost my camcorder and my flat screen tv. My laptop has enough viruses to kill a human being and we just dont have the money to fix it, So he says, So we are now renting one for 40 bucks a week......He has completly ruined my name with half a dozen companys for not paying bills, Dish network, Vonage, Cingular, which is why I dont have a cell phone now, Many more. He freaks at the word myspace, Im not supposed to be friends without him knowing He even got pissed off because I added my aunt and my cousin and didnt tell him.
I cant dress in hardly anything without him telling me its too low cut or too short, somethings always wrong. We have been on Two dates since we got married. We argued the whole time.
He HAS to *** every night or he is a complete A-Hole the next day and usually reminds me every chance he gets. Even as Im writing this I think the whole relationship is a complete joke. How can I be in Love with him so much?
I was supposed to go back to college the next year but we didnt have the money and he wont do his taxes so I cant get a grant.
I told him 2 nights ago that I wanted out. I told him everything and anything that I could possibly tell him and he told me how much it hurt and he never wanted to lose me and so on He held me all night while I cried myself to sleep thinking about losing my babies. We decided to work on this for a little longer and see if we can fix things, but we still argued all day yesterday and he's been at work today. I have no rights to the children and he said he would never let them see me again, and that he would'nt even let them keep in touch. That he would forget me entirely and to never worry about him again.
I know Im seeking advice from others but isn't that like pshycological abuse or something.
Conclusion: We are working it out. But I've been thinking that I should just give it up now, Will he change?? I know nobody knows that. I just need some support.
How old are you now? Are you still in touch with your parents? I'd say that you at the very least deserve a week back home with your parents to think about your life. Even if you stay in this unhealthy relationship, you deserve some personal space and your husband needs to start respecting you as a human being.
I'm sure that he started out being in love with you, but now he has a free babysitter for his kids. Imo, what would be best for you would be to get out of this marriage and go home to your parents and finish your schooling. I know that if I was in your situation, I would do just that and my parents would be happy to see me and help me out.
So create a family emergency and get out of there. Go Greyhound if you have to. His kids will survive. Get out of that prison!
Unfortunatly .. me personally.. thinking.. no one ever changes the way they are.. Temporarly yes.. to try and fix something and then reverts right back to what they were or are...
I give you kudos for even trying in the situation that you are talking about. I know where you are.. I have been there.. and ya know.. it doesnt get much easier down the road. The thing is .. that it is never greener over the next hill.. the same brown grass is on that side as it is on this side. Not to be negative.. sure .. getting rid of him will get rid of some problems.. but new ones will develop. Will the current situation change by leaving him? Yeah, I think so.. but let me ask you.. what is it in your heart that you really want? If it is to have peace of mind and not to worry about other people's worries.. then I would say .. leave.. RUN AS FAST as you can! He sounds like a complete jerk! Or do you want to stay in the trenches and be completely rained on by his bombs day in and day out? Your choice of course... it is much easier to get out of the trenches then stay in them. You have trudged the path you are on for some time.. In your heart what is it that you want? Do you know you are done with it? If you are.. and I will say this.. nope he will not change.. (he sounds like the possesive type.. which I FREAKING HATE!) then you need to go ahead .. cut your losses.. and start all over again.. you are young yet.. hell even I at an old age would cut my losses and start over.. You only live life once.. dont get caught up in BS and be depressed all of your life!! Do what you have to do... but do it fast while you still can!!
I think that you need to get out of that marriage. I know that you love those kids, but if you stay in that marriage, you will be smothered. And don't let your husband give you a guilt trip over HIS kids. They are solely his responsibility. You need to be able to go back to school and have a life. You need friends and he's succeeding in isolating you from the world. He's even taken away your car.
I'm in an age gap relationship myself. The difference is that I respect my younger boyfriend, I don't stifle him and I treat him as my equal. Your husband is a bully and treats you poorly and without respect. Leave him, the situation isn't going to get any better because he's always going to put up roadblocks to you going back to school, having a car, making new friends.
Amy, there are way better men out there. I have a female friend who is 27, she fell in love with a guy who was basically a loser, but his kids were 'so adorable.' After a while, she only stayed with him for the children. Bad, bad idea. Eventually she saw the error of her ways and broke it off with him, but not before the damage was done. If you're still in love with him, that's because you are a woman and women are notorious for not seeing the light. Take it from a man who hates seeing a good woman go down in flames to 'stand by her man.' Dump this LOAD a.s.a.p. and find a guy who won't trash your credit, treat you like a babysitter, and threaten you when you get a myspace page! I have unemployed, pothead friends who actually treat their women better than this bag of douche. Honestly, sometimes I think I hate women, because they let guys walk all over them, when they are worth so much more. Stupid!!@ Get the hell out of an obviously BAD relationship, and move on with your life. You are in your early twenties, you have the rest of your life, it's not like you have been married for 30 years and finally realized things suck.
If you were independent before, you can be independent again. You can fall in love again. You can have some adorable kids and love them. No reason at all to stay in this relationship, chalk it up to getting married too early.
My impression is that he is a very controlling, manipulative person (and, hence, toxic). Sounds like he really put the charm offensive on early but now you've gotten to know his true side. Perhaps he tricked you via the old bait and switch?
The red flags are all over the place with this guy: him not "allowing" you talk to people (he must think he's some kind dictator? It's as though you're living in Stalinist Russia, for pete's sake!); he pours over phone bill; he "tells you what to say."
I think you probably realize that you married far too young. But you can't change that now.
You asked: is this life? The answer is yes and no. Yes, it is part of life for many people, including you at the moment. Being in a relationship with a manipulative jerk is, sadly, part of the human experience for some folks. But, no, it does not have to be your life. You don't have to be saddled to such a malignant person.
Get out while you're still young and have the chance to start anew.
Last edited by professorsenator; 04-15-2008 at 03:31 PM..
Sometimes he makes me the happiest person in the world. He's the smoothest talker I or anyone around me has ever met. He's loved by EVERYONE...he knows everyone by name and they know him.......at the bakery, the bank, the gas stations, He always gets promoted wherever he works because he gets in good with the head bosses. He has the gift of gab so to speak. He knows exactly what to say and when to say it. He can also use his words to be extremely cruel in a way that you cant even respond Sometimes I think the only reason I love him is because he keeps me talked in to it. That sounded really stupid but its hard to understand
Im usually not one to complain, but I have no one to talk to about this and Im really confused.
I got married when I was 18 years old. I already had a year of college behind me for pre-med (I graduated high school early) and had moved into my own place, had my own car, my own computer, my own cell phone, camcorder, t.v., I even had my own light, water, rent, and gas bill! I was living 500 miles away from my parents and loving every minute of it. Ill have you know that all these things were not just given to me either I did have help but I worked my butt of as a CNA in a rehabilitation hospital.
I met this gorgeous man, 10+ years my senior, I dont believe in the age thing so please leave that alone, He was very romantic, ran my bath water everynight, surprised me with little things and cards non stop, left me messages on the mirror.....I could go on and on.
He also has 2 children that were staying with their mother when we met. A 2 yr old boy and 4 year old girl. The plan was never for them to be with their mother. Actually all her rights were taken away from her, but thats how things were. We spent 2 weeks together doing nothing but falling in love, before we picked up the children. Their mother actually died about 2 months later OD'ed which was just as well because she only called her children 1 time in the 2 months before her death and that was to beg their Daddy to come back to her.
Our babies know me as their mother although nothing is kept from them about their last mother, They are now 5 1/2 and 7 1/2. I Love my babies with all my heart and I dont know what life could ever be like without them, but they are also very difficult. They are constantly in trouble in school. My 5 year old has been in the office twice this year. My 7 year old comes home with anywhere from 6-10 checks (tickets) if you are a parent you probably understand what that means.
My husband and I are not getting along anymore. Im torn between wanting out and hanging on. I have no friends because "I cant be friends with trash" and according to him everyone that lives around us or that I meet are "trash" Soon after we married we had to sell his Expedition and the plan was to get a down payment for a new vehicle........yeah right. This was like 2 years ago, I wasnt working anymore so he started driving my car. I have been without a vehicle ever since. My car is now broke down in the front driveway, and we amazingly came up with the money for a down payment on a Explorer. Which he calls "mine" even though he drives it to work everyday. He leaves at 5am and gets home at 7pm. I run a home daycare and all he ever does is call home and tell me everything to do or say to the parents. If a parent is one day late on payment he ******* about it all night, telling me to tell them this and that and blah blah blah.. Then the "trash" that lives next to us that Im not allowed to talk to he holds half hour conversations with. Last night He was outside for an hour helping them get their keys out of thier truck.
He scrutinizes the phone bill, He asks me "Whos This?! " to everyones number he dont know. Half the time I dont know either. He comes home from work and hits redial on the phone. He constantly insinuates that I like the daycare children better than our own or that I treat them better etc. We've come on hard times quite a bit and had to pawn a few things a time or two, so far we have lost my camcorder and my flat screen tv. My laptop has enough viruses to kill a human being and we just dont have the money to fix it, So he says, So we are now renting one for 40 bucks a week......He has completly ruined my name with half a dozen companys for not paying bills, Dish network, Vonage, Cingular, which is why I dont have a cell phone now, Many more. He freaks at the word myspace, Im not supposed to be friends without him knowing He even got pissed off because I added my aunt and my cousin and didnt tell him.
I cant dress in hardly anything without him telling me its too low cut or too short, somethings always wrong. We have been on Two dates since we got married. We argued the whole time.
He HAS to *** every night or he is a complete A-Hole the next day and usually reminds me every chance he gets. Even as Im writing this I think the whole relationship is a complete joke. How can I be in Love with him so much?
I was supposed to go back to college the next year but we didnt have the money and he wont do his taxes so I cant get a grant.
I told him 2 nights ago that I wanted out. I told him everything and anything that I could possibly tell him and he told me how much it hurt and he never wanted to lose me and so on He held me all night while I cried myself to sleep thinking about losing my babies. We decided to work on this for a little longer and see if we can fix things, but we still argued all day yesterday and he's been at work today. I have no rights to the children and he said he would never let them see me again, and that he would'nt even let them keep in touch. That he would forget me entirely and to never worry about him again.
I know Im seeking advice from others but isn't that like pshycological abuse or something.
Conclusion: We are working it out. But I've been thinking that I should just give it up now, Will he change?? I know nobody knows that. I just need some support.
he sounds like my ex....very controlling, insecure, and abusive, and yes, it is mental abuse which will chew you up and spit you out and you won't know what hit you. They are very swave, caring in the beginning, attentive, and the gifts...oh my....and then, after your married, they change like no tomorrow...it was like a culture shock.
If you can get him into counseling, that would be good, b/c your going to need all the support you can get.
I was told all my friends were no good, and OUR friends were all his friends..he actually chased them away...reason being, lack of support for you...they will cut you off from your family, and control every single move you make. Nothing you do is right...and they act out like a child when they don't get there way, and here is the worst of it....the children will grow up just like him...demanding, self absorbed...selfish and give little credit to others...
Sorry, but he sounds narcissistic...which is incurable...some people...like my DIL are very cunning and manipulative about it....but him, he doesn't care...as he doesn't fear you leaving.
The children will most certainly suffer the most, if you don't get help for him, and for yourself, b/c slowly, very slowly they deplete your identity, until you don't know who you are any longer. These people are very toxic and can be dangerous to the mind....
My sympathy goes out to you...
Will be thinking of you
Creme
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