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My wife is the same way. When we go riding in the winter and she stops to get gas, I will fill up the tank so she won't have to step out in the bitter cold. When I sit back down, instead of thanking me, it's "EEww. What's that smell. Your hands smell like gasoline." So I have learned to sit on my hands.
If I touch up something in the yard that badly needs paint, and then scrub my hands 3 times outside, and leave the brush outside --- Or if I fill the lawn mower, then come in, it's still "EEWW, your hands really stink, and you dripped paint on your shoe."
If I dare to cook any simple thing while she's out, exactly according to directions, she will come in and it's "What's that awful smell. Have you been cooking greens? (which incidentally she bought - not me). I have to open all the windows."
If I rake leaves outside, and track just one leaf in the house, it's "Oh, you're tracking leaves all over the house. You make me have to get the broom."
Once, she returned home after 2 weeks of visiting her sister in Florida. I had put away all the dishes that day, vacuumed and mopped, scrubbed all bathrooms, tidied the refrigerator and cabinets, but unfortunately I had left a pillow and bedsheets on the couch. The second she walked in the door, she screamed, "Oh, just look what an awful mess you made".
I can empty the cat litter-box, 9 days out of 10, and not even mention it, it's no big deal. But if I forget on the 10th day, she always makes a big production of doing it, huffing and puffing and complaining, and rinsing and scrubbing it out loudly, over and over.
She will go for literally years without once vacuuming carpets or anything else. If I ever turn on the vacuum just a few times a year, it's "Oh, that noise is scaring the cats, and gives me a headache. Do you have to do that? Put that away."
Not saying all women do this but I’ve know some women who do this. Their partner (husband or boyfriend) does some household chore and instead of positive recognition, the lady finds fault with how it was done. Does dishes, he didn’t use enough dishwashing liquid. Did dishes, but he didn’t also dry and put away dishes. Swept the floor, but he missed these spaces. Mopped the floor, but he didn’t do it right. Vacuumed the rug, but he didn’t do it right. Dusting furniture and shelves, but you missed this or didn’t do it the way “I do it”. With all this negative feedback is it any wonder the boyfriend or husband stops trying?
Is this something you learned from how your mom treated your dad? Have you ever considered positive feedback first and then asking politely for them to do it differently next time? Have you ever considered being thankful he made the effort to help out?
My current girlfriend is much more organized than me, but I also have had roomates who were total slobs. There is a part of your brain referred to as the reticular activating system (RAS) and it controls what you do and don't pay attention to. With the roomate who was the slob, he just never put anything away. Dirty clothes were always left on the floor and clean clothes were always left on his bed or the couch after he came back from the laundry mat. But his RAS just didn't see nor notice this clutter.
My current girlfriend is far more organized than me. In my bathroom at my place, I don't leave clutter lying around but in the drawers under my sink, I have always just kind of piled eveything on top of each other, but at my girlfriends place there are these little baskets under the sink for bathroom cleaning supplies and another basket for extra hand towels. Her RAS is just a lot more sensitive than mine.
In addition to that though the average women's baseline levels of disgust sensitivity are much higher than the average males baseline level of disgust sensivity. So if the bathroom isn't clean, that is just a bigger deal for most women than most men because they are more grossed out by things that many guys may not even be noticing.
Here is the thing, it is way more stressful to be the person with the RAS with the higher level of sensitivity. You are noticing all of this clutter and it really does bother you.
So for the sake of my girlfriend, I actually took the time, to try to rearrange my life to live up to her higher standard of organization. I actually went out and bought some baskets like she has under her sink at her place and I started really trying to keep my place as tidy as her's. Sometimes you really do need to make some extra efforts for the sake of the relationship.
Not saying all women do this but I’ve know some women who do this. Their partner (husband or boyfriend) does some household chore and instead of positive recognition, the lady finds fault with how it was done. Does dishes, he didn’t use enough dishwashing liquid. Did dishes, but he didn’t also dry and put away dishes. Swept the floor, but he missed these spaces. Mopped the floor, but he didn’t do it right. Vacuumed the rug, but he didn’t do it right. Dusting furniture and shelves, but you missed this or didn’t do it the way “I do it”. With all this negative feedback is it any wonder the boyfriend or husband stops trying?
Is this something you learned from how your mom treated your dad? Have you ever considered positive feedback first and then asking politely for them to do it differently next time? Have you ever considered being thankful he made the effort to help out?
I think this is something that can be changed with communication. I am sure that pretty often the other person doesn't know how overly critical they are. Let them know how you feel. Everyone has their own style and habits of doing things. Don't be afraid to learn from the other person and take criticism as advice to be better but also know when and where to stop and just let go.
I just moved into my bf's house a few months ago. We fought like cats and dogs for a while because we both have our habits and procedures we have done for years and they "aren't up for debate." Well, they are .
We try to be more tolerant and also take advice from the other person. I have given up trying to keep all his tools out of the living room (he leaves less laying around, so I give him an A for effort) and he has given up teaching me what knives to use for what. Tolerance. Patience. Letting little things go. I said he needs to label the knives if he wants me to use the correct one or I'll just continue to ruin his expensive knives. He cooks really well but always leaves a massive mess, it looks like 3 year year old played in the kitchen. I complained a few times and it escalated into massive fights but it just is what it is. And really, it is not that important. I now just clean it, who cares. He is messy and it will never change, you gotta know which battles to fight and where to let go. He has other qualities.
Who cares if the rug is okay clean or deep clean. Do it yourself every once in a while if it isn't clean enough. Missed some spot when sweeping? Who cares, get it next time. Always appreciate each other and say PLEASE and THANK YOU.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamajane
A lot of the time it really isn't done right, (meaning they didn't actually clean or put things away in a way that doesn't cause more work) and the other person has to redo it. Sometimes it's intentional passive aggressive behavior to do things wrong so the other person will always have to do all the work.
With something like laundry clothing can be permanently ruined if it isn't done correctly. Dusting wrong can actually cause more dust. Putting dishes sloppily in the dishwasher can cause you to have to do more loads, wasting energy and time.
If partners are going to share chores they might want to discuss the best way to do it for the household not the just the way they individually feel like doing it. That includes over-doing things in OCD ways too, just as wasteful as doing things sloppily.
Uck, this sounds like the thinking my mom would cotton to. Let me give a spoiler to all who partner up with people with thinking like this, it will NEVER be clean enough or done the right way. You’ll always be criticized. When this kind of thinking comes out, run, don’t walk, away.
Uck, this sounds like the thinking my mom would cotton to. Let me give a spoiler to all who partner up with people with thinking like this, it will NEVER be clean enough or done the right way. You’ll always be criticized. When this kind of thinking comes out, run, don’t walk, away.
I know who will be a life long bachelor.
Seriously, you move any two people into a single house and there will be chores/cleaning arguments. There is one in another subforum where it's a guy who is asking what to do because his mom is not his kind of clean.
Basically in our house DH has some cleaning chores that are assigned to him. Why? Because he doesn't really see dirt, so he just dusts and vacuums weekly. When he cleans anything, I normally come in and do the detail work. I figure if he is eliminating the bulk of the chore, it's not that bad coming in behind and polish and clean the corners and such.
I DID say something when he was dusting. He would dust a section, walk off....... shaking out the rage. My head imploded a little. I mentioned he wasn't so much cleaning as relocating the dust.
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This is something that some women have to let go of and to trust other people to do. Even if it's not the way she'd do it, the chore is done and she's part of a team. That doesn't give the husband a pass to do a sloppy, half-assed job, though.
But on the flip side women are judged more harshly for home and family. If a dad dresses his kids in mismatched clothes, he gets an "aw, he tried," If she drops off the kids in mismatched clothes, it's "I can't believe she sent her kids to school like that."
Its kind of a perfectionist thing, not so much male/female.
Seriously, you move any two people into a single house and there will be chores/cleaning arguments. There is one in another subforum where it's a guy who is asking what to do because his mom is not his kind of clean.
Basically in our house DH has some cleaning chores that are assigned to him. Why? Because he doesn't really see dirt, so he just dusts and vacuums weekly. When he cleans anything, I normally come in and do the detail work. I figure if he is eliminating the bulk of the chore, it's not that bad coming in behind and polish and clean the corners and such.
I DID say something when he was dusting. He would dust a section, walk off....... shaking out the rage. My head imploded a little. I mentioned he wasn't so much cleaning as relocating the dust.
And that is not you complaining, it is fact and the dust relocation was making his efforts pointless. That is why I like getting the cleaning tips from "experts" on Youtube or whatever, it isn't personal if you've been doing it wrong, it's more like self-improvement. It does help if we women can admit to also needing improvements and learning.
I guess something I hate is having to go over something that someone has done, unless they are new at it and learning. I like when I can trust someone to do something without me micromanaging- knowing I don't have to think about it when I already have a full plate. Just to know he's got it, that's the best feeling. It's just been a problem in my life being close to many incompetent people who would be in trouble, with things worse than dust, if I didn't help them, watch them, do the stuff they should be able to do for themselves.
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