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Is this a guy thing? Because as a woman I can't relate. You find love and compatibility, but can't stop thinking about someone else who's "better" in bed? I mean, what makes her "better"? I would think sex would be "better" with someone you are in love with but what do I know? Men are mysterious yet simple creatures.
Note that the OP never mentioned love. He only said she "checks all the boxes", not that he was in love with her. If he were in love with her, he wouldn't be thinking about anyone else. The dilemma wouldn't exist.
Note that the OP never mentioned love. He only said she "checks all the boxes", not that he was in love with her. If he were in love with her, he wouldn't be thinking about anyone else. The dilemma wouldn't exist.
good point.
However, I feel empathy for both sides. He cannot help his feelings and she is doing her best but apparently, still not good enough. Sucks all around.
What OP doesn't realize the decision isn't entirely his. The way this story will most likely play out he won't end up with either girl, that would probably be best thing for both girls.
Listening to OP it made me think of my own experience a little different but shocking for the person that thinks they are the only one with a say in the matter.
Years ago when I was dating I dated this one guy on/off nothing serious. He traveled frequently for business and was quite successful. He was not the type of guy I would ever get serious with.
He dated many women and was not use to being rejected. He was handsome, charming and successful. I saw him as more of a friend, and kept my boundaries. One night we went out for a nice dinner and he starts talking about marriage ? I thought he was kidding? He was shocked I wasn't interested in marrying him. He could never be faithful you can't change anyone. I decided to stop dating him shortly after that.
Note that the OP never mentioned love. He only said she "checks all the boxes", not that he was in love with her. If he were in love with her, he wouldn't be thinking about anyone else. The dilemma wouldn't exist.
He did mention he loves her; that said, I agree with you re: the dilemma wouldn’t exist if he did. Clearly, he isn’t being honest with himself, his girl - and/or the Forum, for that matter.
Quote:
Originally Posted by N3XUS12
I feel awful. I just want to want my girl. I want this lusting for this other girl to go away. Even as I type this I feel like a god-awful human being, and I don't know who to talk to about it because I am scared of people I know judging me for A) lusting over a girl 10 years younger than me and B) not appreciating what I have.
I’m in my forties, and I’ve dated women who are ten years younger than me (often); nobody cares. It’s your dishonesty/clumsiness that is the problem i.e. at the end of the day, you’re stuck in a relationship you don’t want to be in (and feel guilty about). Live your own life; man up, and admit you’re not in love with ‘your girl’ (and apparently you aren’t physically attracted to her, either). Be honest/open; quit hiding. It’s clear you’re just hanging on to her out of insecurity; else, you’d be focusing on (and enjoying) the physical/sexual side of your relationship with her (and you wouldn’t be wrapped in thoughts of a 20 year old).
Quote:
Originally Posted by N3XUS12
Fast forward to March 22 and I meet this girl, she is 27, and ticks just about every box I could hope for in a relationship.
Apparently she doesn’t tick the physically attractive box and/or your physical relationship is lacking as it’s clear you’re not interested in such with her.
I'm 30, and my nine-year marriage ended in January 2021. A couple of months of soul searching on my own was followed up by a string of fun hookups, and doing things I guess I missed out on doing when I was in my early twenties.
There was one girl, she is 20 so a bit younger than me, but she blew my mind away. In a sense. It was all in the bedroom. I don't think I knew much about her at all, in fact, we only ever met up to sleep together. But, without going into detail, it was better than anything I had ever had before, or have had since.
But all the while, I remember thinking I just want to meet someone who has their own life, and wants to share mine, share each others interests, etc etc.
Fast forward to March 22 and I meet this girl, she is 27, and ticks just about every box I could hope for in a relationship. It had been over a year since me and my ex split at this point and I felt ready.
She is kind. She is caring. She is beautiful. All my friends tell me I'm punching above my weight. She has a very successful career and makes good money. She takes an active interest in my interests, even so far as to watching football and motor racing with me, purely so she can be a part of my life.
I'm writing a novel, and she is the only person who has ever read my (frankly awful) first draft. For my birthday, she gave me an actual book version of my novel, printed. The thought that went into that gift makes me cry even just typing this because I feel so awful.
She travels a lot with work. She knows I love baseball caps, I have a huge collection. She buys me one from every country she goes to. This may sound materialistic, but it's not, I'm just trying to find examples of the things she does for me without me ever asking for it.
I literally cannot find a single flaw in my relationship with her. If you had asked me a year ago what qualities would I want in a person, she would tick just about every single box. My family and friends love her. But most importantly, I love her.
Then it all goes down the drain.
The 20 year old messages me out of the blue, asking to see me for 'fun time'. She says she misses me and thinks it could have worked.
Naturally, I haven't betrayed my girl. But I am here because there is nothing more my physical body wants me to do. It's been around 2 weeks since she texted me, and though I haven't responded, it is affecting my life. I can't stop lusting after her. I'm being short with my girl for absolutely no fault of her own. Even sleeping with her, I find myself thinking about this other girl without even realising. I am suddenly finding faults with my girl, almost as if my brain is trying to find excuses to leave her and go back to this 20 year old. The only one single thing the 20 year old has is that she was the 'best' I've ever had, talking purely from a lust perspective.
I feel awful. I just want to want my girl. I want this lusting for this other girl to go away. Even as I type this I feel like a god-awful human being, and I don't know who to talk to about it because I am scared of people I know judging me for A) lusting over a girl 10 years younger than me and B) not appreciating what I have.
And even if the 20 year old was a candidate for a relationship despite all the above, she is at uni 3/4 hours away with people her own age. I work away so would see her maybe one night a fortnight. There is no way in which it would work, yet my brain won't stop.
When I was chasing my girl she was all I ever wanted. Now I have her, and she almost worships me (she doesn't literally, I just can't find the right word)... and now it's like I'm bored because I know I have it. Like a spoiled child.
And I need someone to give me some home truths, because like I said, it is starting to affect my life and my relationship. I feel shallow, weak, and undeserving of my girl.
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