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I don't care how stressed out someone is, constantly berating another person is unacceptable.
You're safe to take her rage and anger out on. You're with her, you care about her, and she thinks she can do that to you when she can't do it to who she really needs to talk to.
The more you accept it, the more she will do it, because it proves the idea that it's safe to do that to you.
You need to draw some boundaries, and you need to let her know what they are. If she crosses them, there needs to be repercussions.
You decide how much of this you will put up with, not her.
You have no kids with the woman...you are lucky. You can still move on cleanly. Being Mr Nice guy, walking on eggshells would get old if it were me. Nothing stops you from laying it on the line and stating why you are disgruntled. Her reaction as to whether she cares enough should guide you to your next step.
When my GF gets finished with work (she works a 9-5 desk job), she acts cold and rude towards me. Right after work she will go on a walk, go to the gym, or go to the pool, come back, and stay in the bedroom watching TV for the rest of the evening. I always ask her if she wants to watch a movie or go somewhere and she says no. I have asked her a few times if she is upset at me about something and she says "I'm not mad at you at all. I just had a very stressful day with work and need some alone time". If I ask what she wants for dinner, she says "I have no idea. I'll figure something out."
When she works at home the same day as me, I can feel the coldness from another room. She will be at her desk and I hear the huffing/puffing and sigh noises. If I go into the kitchen and make something that makes even a slight bit of noise like opening/closing a cabinet, I hear the sighing and huffing/puffing even more. Eventually she will say "can you please do that later" in a rude tone. I finally just had to go into my office 5 days a week to avoid the BS.
I get it, we all have stressful days at work but the issue is that this happens literally every single day. I was a middle school teacher for several years and had to deal with pre-teens and teens and Karen parents and I had fewer bad days than she does. The problem also is that she brought this on herself. About a month ago, she volunteered to do extra projects when she was already busy with normal work and now she is totally swamped and being nasty to me.
In a nice way I told her that I think it's a bad idea for her to take on extra projects when she is already swamped. I also explained that she should leave work at work and forget about it when she's done. She said "I'm not like you. It's hard for me to hold in my feelings. If I had a stressful day, it's hard for me to just act normal. I'm doing this extra work so I can stand out and get promoted. I can't just do my normal job duties and come home like you do." She didn't say it in a nice way and basically implied that I do the bare minimum at my job and then come home.
My GF has pretty bad anxiety which I think is what is primarily causing this behavior. Also, she seems to have some issues with wanting acceptance/recognition/praise from other people because her parents didn't give her any growing up. I think the extra work is causing her anxiety to skyrocket and wanting the extra work is about wanting her manager and higher level people at work to praise her.
She really needs to see a therapist for her anxiety but says "they don't know what I'm going through and talking about it isn't going to help me in any way".
I should add that she wasn't really this way before taking on extra projects. Maybe once or twice a week she had stressful days and acted like this but not it's every day.
What would you do?
Guess what? If she's acting this way day after day, it will never get better.
Hey, if the stress is a temporary thing, sure. We all have those kinds of days or weeks or even months.
But if she's just taking it out of you, sheesh. What's going to happen later if you're a permanent couple with kids and a mortgage and everything else? Every single day of your life is going to be like walking on damned eggshells.
My wife is an executive with lots of responsibilities and stress. So when she gets home, I typically give her a little space to sit on the couch and decompress. But all night, every night? That's punishing you for her inability to handle pressure.
When my GF gets finished with work (she works a 9-5 desk job), she acts cold and rude towards me. Right after work she will go on a walk, go to the gym, or go to the pool, come back, and stay in the bedroom watching TV for the rest of the evening.
What would you do?
I would be smart enough to recognize that she's probably having an affair which is the real cause of her attitude toward you.
When she's out with her lover and she comes home, you're the last thing she wants to see.
When my GF gets finished with work (she works a 9-5 desk job), she acts cold and rude towards me. Right after work she will go on a walk, go to the gym, or go to the pool, come back, and stay in the bedroom watching TV for the rest of the evening. I always ask her if she wants to watch a movie or go somewhere and she says no. I have asked her a few times if she is upset at me about something and she says "I'm not mad at you at all. I just had a very stressful day with work and need some alone time". If I ask what she wants for dinner, she says "I have no idea. I'll figure something out."
When she works at home the same day as me, I can feel the coldness from another room. She will be at her desk and I hear the huffing/puffing and sigh noises. If I go into the kitchen and make something that makes even a slight bit of noise like opening/closing a cabinet, I hear the sighing and huffing/puffing even more. Eventually she will say "can you please do that later" in a rude tone. I finally just had to go into my office 5 days a week to avoid the BS.
I get it, we all have stressful days at work but the issue is that this happens literally every single day. I was a middle school teacher for several years and had to deal with pre-teens and teens and Karen parents and I had fewer bad days than she does. The problem also is that she brought this on herself. About a month ago, she volunteered to do extra projects when she was already busy with normal work and now she is totally swamped and being nasty to me.
In a nice way I told her that I think it's a bad idea for her to take on extra projects when she is already swamped. I also explained that she should leave work at work and forget about it when she's done. She said "I'm not like you. It's hard for me to hold in my feelings. If I had a stressful day, it's hard for me to just act normal. I'm doing this extra work so I can stand out and get promoted. I can't just do my normal job duties and come home like you do." She didn't say it in a nice way and basically implied that I do the bare minimum at my job and then come home.
My GF has pretty bad anxiety which I think is what is primarily causing this behavior. Also, she seems to have some issues with wanting acceptance/recognition/praise from other people because her parents didn't give her any growing up. I think the extra work is causing her anxiety to skyrocket and wanting the extra work is about wanting her manager and higher level people at work to praise her.
She really needs to see a therapist for her anxiety but says "they don't know what I'm going through and talking about it isn't going to help me in any way".
I should add that she wasn't really this way before taking on extra projects. Maybe once or twice a week she had stressful days and acted like this but not it's every day.
What would you do?
The problem isn't the girlfriend's job. It's the girlfriend.
OP, after reading your opening post on your other thread from two months ago, I have to wonder why you're even with her. Why did you initiate a relationship with her, and then get a place together with her? Did you even know her very well, when you decided to rent together, or move her in with you, or however the arrangement was arrived at? And now you're still with her, after telling us your relationships always seem to go sour after a relatively short time, and asking us if it's you, or is it her.
I'm reposting this link to your other thread, so people can read what you said about her (and yourself) back in July. This is not about her possibly having an affair. It's about her, but also about the OP maybe rushing into relationships before sizing up his dates' character. Once he gets in too deep, he finds out there are issues he's not willing to live with.
The issue seems to be less about your girlfriend's job, and more about how she manages her stress and takes you for granted. You telling her to go to therapy and to leave work at work may be true, but it can also read as condescending or mansplaining. You have no say in how she does her job, but she can't talk to you the way that she does, and that's the issue you can address.
If you are willing to risk whatever fallout might occur, including a breakup or some other thing like having to move, etc. I would say "I'm not comfortable with how you are managing your stress, and I don't appreciate or feel comfortable with the way you talk to me. Don't expect me to accept this attitude and behavior indefinitely. It's making me feel bad and I don't deserve that." Don't accept a gaslighting response.
I do hope it's just a phase, as you say. But if it keeps up ad she's unwilling to adjust her behavior then you have your answer. Don't waste precious time and energy on hope or "potential." You know how the saying goes: "If you look at your partner and don't want to accept the way it is right now, then it's time to leave. Because people usually don't change."
Short answer is, OP's wife needs a new job. If the two of you can get by on one income, convince her to quit. At least find a nearby spa and get her a gift certificate for nails, hair or a massage. Then give her some space and make dinner or at least reservations someplace without a drive up window. Good luck to you OP.
OP, after reading your opening post on your other thread from two months ago, I have to wonder why you're even with her. Why did you initiate a relationship with her, and then get a place together with her? Did you even know her very well, when you decided to rent together, or move her in with you, or however the arrangement was arrived at? And now you're still with her, after telling us your relationships always seem to go sour after a relatively short time, and asking us if it's you, or is it her.
I'm reposting this link to your other thread, so people can read what you said about her (and yourself) back in July. This is not about her possibly having an affair. It's about her, but also about the OP maybe rushing into relationships before sizing up his dates' character. Once he gets in too deep, he finds out there are issues he's not willing to live with.
This is why I keep asking why they are living together. The reason for that decision lies at the heart of these relationship problems.
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