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When my GF gets finished with work (she works a 9-5 desk job), she acts cold and rude towards me. Right after work she will go on a walk, go to the gym, or go to the pool, come back, and stay in the bedroom watching TV for the rest of the evening. I always ask her if she wants to watch a movie or go somewhere and she says no. I have asked her a few times if she is upset at me about something and she says "I'm not mad at you at all. I just had a very stressful day with work and need some alone time". If I ask what she wants for dinner, she says "I have no idea. I'll figure something out."
When she works at home the same day as me, I can feel the coldness from another room. She will be at her desk and I hear the huffing/puffing and sigh noises. If I go into the kitchen and make something that makes even a slight bit of noise like opening/closing a cabinet, I hear the sighing and huffing/puffing even more. Eventually she will say "can you please do that later" in a rude tone. I finally just had to go into my office 5 days a week to avoid the BS.
I get it, we all have stressful days at work but the issue is that this happens literally every single day. I was a middle school teacher for several years and had to deal with pre-teens and teens and Karen parents and I had fewer bad days than she does. The problem also is that she brought this on herself. About a month ago, she volunteered to do extra projects when she was already busy with normal work and now she is totally swamped and being nasty to me.
In a nice way I told her that I think it's a bad idea for her to take on extra projects when she is already swamped. I also explained that she should leave work at work and forget about it when she's done. She said "I'm not like you. It's hard for me to hold in my feelings. If I had a stressful day, it's hard for me to just act normal. I'm doing this extra work so I can stand out and get promoted. I can't just do my normal job duties and come home like you do." She didn't say it in a nice way and basically implied that I do the bare minimum at my job and then come home.
My GF has pretty bad anxiety which I think is what is primarily causing this behavior. Also, she seems to have some issues with wanting acceptance/recognition/praise from other people because her parents didn't give her any growing up. I think the extra work is causing her anxiety to skyrocket and wanting the extra work is about wanting her manager and higher level people at work to praise her.
She really needs to see a therapist for her anxiety but says "they don't know what I'm going through and talking about it isn't going to help me in any way".
I should add that she wasn't really this way before taking on extra projects. Maybe once or twice a week she had stressful days and acted like this but not it's every day.
What would you do?
Last edited by briskwheel; 09-23-2022 at 12:37 PM..
Reason: Removed extra spacing
You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free
The issue seems to be less about your girlfriend's job, and more about how she manages her stress and takes you for granted. You telling her to go to therapy and to leave work at work may be true, but it can also read as condescending or mansplaining. You have no say in how she does her job, but she can't talk to you the way that she does, and that's the issue you can address.
I'm curious. Do you earn more than her or does she earn more? If she earns a lot more than you that could be part of her issue and lack of respect towards you.
It's not all work. If she was crazy about you she would want to destress with you. She'd want to walk with you, watch tv with you, have meals with you, etc. She's just not that into you.
I suggest you leave and make a life for yourself. She might not even notice if you do.
If it's affecting her well being, it's important to change job to get better mental health. I've had toxic jobs that caused detriment to my health and its never good.
Sounds a little like my relationship, except both of us have difficult jobs, so neither of us have much time during the week. It's a couple of hours.
My girlfriend comes home at 10PM sometimes.
It's easy for everyone to say 'Your life sucks, just get an easier job', but ... doing what? Are YOU going to give me an easier job? Then bring it on, hit me up.
Maybe YOU have an easy job that pays 80K a year, but that doesn't mean everybody does. Maybe YOU have a job where you can knock off at 5 PM every day, but we don't. And believe me, I've looked.
The one thing I will say is that at least my SO identifies with the stresses and difficulties of my job, because she deals with the same and works very hard.
If I had to date that person who thinks they are the smartest and most efficient or has angled their way into high paying, do nothing (non-government) positons, it'd be a disaster.
THAT said, everything reaches a breaking point, and that point is very close.
I'm curious. Do you earn more than her or does she earn more? If she earns a lot more than you that could be part of her issue and lack of respect towards you.
Our salaries are pretty similar. I earn about $12K per year more than her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
How long have you two been together? And why do you cohabitate?
Yes, I'm thinking the same thing. I'm glad to see people agree with me here because I was thinking I was the problem.
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